You can’t be spiritual if…

Spirit.jpgYesterday’s post was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Goodness, what is wrong with me? Okay, nothing, I just need to shake things up a bit, get shouting, you know? So in the hopes of doing that I’m gonna write a proper rant today in spite of stating – was it yesterday? – I don’t do rants. Fibber am I. Nevermind, it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want. So there. (Yes, I’m sticking my tongue out.)

Okay then. Who is over the word spiritual? I’ve been careful to not use it all these many months because I’ve got a bit of a hate-on for what it seems to stand for now. It used to be such a pretty word conjuring images of lightness. It supplanted conventional religious imagery with the ethereal and attempted to convey a personal essence for all humans, not just saints and angels. No more crosses or bloody heads but colour and sheen. Sure it was new-agey and traditionalist’s scorned it – at first – until those same traditionalists adopted “spiritual”. WTF? Then, in true-to-form fashion, the redefining began. Marketing departments and PR folks got busy and made spiritual sexy. They put it in a box and wrapped it up with all the meanings necessary to make it a ‘thing’. Of course, to be a part of that ‘thing’ you had to buy the package. Lastly was the babble. I will not go into the babble! Why do men (sadly I have to play the gender card in this case) take beauty and distort it with wild abandon? Jung warned us this would happen.

We are all spirit (breath), banged out from the heart of a star. As such, every single thing we do can be deemed spiritual. In this way of thinking we blend, rather than split up, our beings. We shift from an unhealthy notion that some external force is in charge of us, to ruling our own destinies. Responsibility sits firmly in our corner instead of being the whim of an omnipresent third party.

I guess what really gets me – and reminds me to watch my mouth and not judge – is hearing folks wax spiritual, telling anyone who will listen, how to be truly spiritual. In that self-righteous tone they describe a glorious new world, when everyone becomes like them that is. OMG!

When “spiritual” became appealing to a large group who felt organized religion was no longer on the mark, it was nice. When it became another version of organized religion, the igniting spark was extinguished.

No single individual has all the answers. Some of us are a tad too preoccupied with controlling outcomes, hence painting a detailed portrait of the future according to a myopic view. Perhaps if we try harder to open our hearts and minds in this moment and blend our humanness with all its foibles, instead of telling others how to look or move or speak, we will create utopia sooner rather than later.

Keeping my spirit intact is easy. Being spiritual according to another person’s design is impossible.

My wish tonight is for grace. Earlier I watched Adele’s performance at Glastonbury and thought, “There’s a class act – one graceful bird from Tottenham”. She was funny, warm, honest and generous. There was no distance between her and the thousands gathered. She swallowed her stage fright, sang her heart out, and walked into the crowd fearlessly. Such grace. Graceful. I admire her. She is twenty eight years old and I’m gonna be honest, I want to be young again. I hate getting old. Still, I’ve a choice. I can accept how I feel and laugh out loud, or I can wallow and grumble. I can also pretend not to care at all. I can do any of those things and more and each is perfectly all right. I’m still full of grace and my spiritual self is rocking it!

Until tomorrow…

 

 

 

 

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Reaching and wondering…

beaconDo you ever enter into a random conversation with a virtual stranger and walk away from the conversation feeling uplifted, even renewed or at least, encouraged? How about encounters that leave you feeling a bit breathless, really hopeful and inspired? Then there are those rather rare surprise meetings where you learn something new, but it’s not actually new-new, more like a deep knowing you’d never articulated but suddenly, when someone does, you say, “I didn’t know that but then again it feels like I did cuz what you said makes so much sense!” That’s how I like to view this blog, offering up a soupcon of all those serendipitous synchronicities that rumble around in me.

Despite a fair bit of repetition (which I am seriously going to address!), this blog is pretty much all over the place. It remains unscripted. It’s me writing down my thoughts on everyday simple, and not-so-simple, stuff. On purpose, I’ve not ranted too wildly on topics I’m passionate about and there’s a reason for that which I’ll explain at some point. I’ve also chosen to stay out of the political arena for the most part although I think most readers would agree that my leanings are obvious. But, I no longer take any pleasure in debating problems, political or otherwise. There are so many. Over these last few years, going ‘there’ has become increasingly difficult. My heart aches and my eyes weep at the obscene violence, neglect, and destruction we ‘advanced’ humans continue to perpetuate on the innocent. My grief is acute. I take some solace in knowing there are many able minds seeking solutions, however, and I have no doubt there are more beautiful souls trying to better the world than there are fucking it up.

My musings are not wordsmithed, but they are written with a degree of care. I write in an effort to discover who I really am, face every demon, and stand accountable for every atrocious thought and act. I write to expose my frailty and seek forgiveness for everything. I know I’ve a few gorgeous readers, and am super chuffed about that, but the words I write are directed to me – for me.

Perhaps I should stick to only a couple of topics, the ones I know best like depression, or adoption, or stupidity. A desire I’ve already expressed is to be funnier. I’d love to be slightly irreverent, sarcastic, and witty. I’d also like my posts to be more orderly – or is it ordered? Whatever the case, that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. The thought of stepping it off strikes more than a little fear in me, plus that wasn’t how this exercise began. The initial intention was to talk about redoing the best way I could. I’m still a work in progress definitely, and even though I’m not writing every single day, when I do, stream of consciousness is still the best way for me to talk about what’s going on.

Maybe I’m not being honest enough. I consider that quite often. I skirt some intense issues and there have been a few posts I’ve erased. A teacher and coach asked me to get real once. I didn’t quite know what she meant but tried to alter my style and my grades reflected success. I would have very much liked to remain under her tutelage but she died holidaying in France. No one else took the same interest in my writing.

Anywho, I’ll wrap up this epistle but mention how lonely I’ve been lately, but how well I’m eating and sleeping. I’m back in a yoga class but only once a week. I need to get moving more and to that end am considering hiring a trainer. I’ll keep you posted.

I wish today for warm breezes to ward off a chill. Healthy food to fill a hungry belly. Clean, fresh water to quench your thirst. I wish that you can find an understanding ear when you are troubled, and lots of supportive hands to hold. We have needs, all of us. Maybe today we can be that understanding ear or helping hand. And maybe, when we listen, or help, we will feel a warm breeze, a full belly, and our thirst will dissolve. Sometimes our needs are best filled by helping someone fulfill theirs.

Until tomorrow…

Balancing balance…

Balance1I have to continue along on the theme of yesterday’s post. This quote from Buddha strikes a profound chord. “Suffering is not holding you, you are holding suffering.” How do the words make you feel?

It is raining again today, a slow steady almost mist-like rain. There is fog blanketing the hills which dissipates before reaching the valley. The wind is picking up flicking droplets of water off the leaves of the vines wrapped on the fence. The terracotta pots on the deck darken as the soil in them becomes full of water. Everything is shiny. It’s cold. It’s a day for fish, or ducks. I like it.

After sharing my views about us shifting to a more proactive, self-responsible approach to our health, I realized today the subject is quite dense and not an easy one to tackle in a brief blog post – even if longer than my average ones. Of course, language plays a big role in how we proceed, or not, with everything. Our current conditioned reliance on institutionalized medical care is only partly problematic. It can be a huge support. I suppose it’s yet another example of balance. Overuse or total reliance on a system is as damaging as resistance. But since I’ve been writing about transforming instead of release, it seems to apply.

When I consider my emotional well-being it is as important as my physical. For me, the body speaks. When sick, it’s saying all kinds of things. It’s like how we talk about stress as triggering so many problems. Our body shouts at us telling us we are not coping by going into hyper drive. Our mind reels, and before you know it, we’re sick. And that sickness can run a wild gamut of diseases. Find a way to deal with the stress, however, and away go the symptoms. But the big question for most of us is, how do we make the change and furthermore, make it stick?

For many of us, including yours truly, the forest is most often hidden by trees. We do not want to see the way to alleviate our issues because it would require giving up something. Take money. I hear all the time how people do not have any and yet they live in lovely homes and drive smashing cars. They take holidays and buy new clothes. How can they have no money? Choices. We all make them and chatter. We keep up the talk. Contradictions. So changing my talk – self and conversational both – has become an ongoing challenge.

For example consider the banal expression, “I’m tired.” I say it a lot but working to catch myself so I can look at what my words really mean. I’ve learned that most of the time it’s a worrisome or attention seeking expression. Now, I say nothing or, “Nap time!” or similar. It may sound almost trite, but it is anything but. Interesting is that the more I do this, the more aware I am of the feelings I attach to my words and that helps a great deal.

I wish tonight, again, for balance. Surely it is a worthy goal. We will likely never ever achieve it, but by recognising when we are out of it, we can try to find it again. When out of balance, feeling deep sorrow or even ecstatic joy, it is important to acknowledge the feelings, of course, with a nod to knowing they will pass. Once they have, we can reclaim our equilibrium and begin to decipher the learning. From a more balanced place we can transform.

Until tomorrow…

 

Intuiting my well-being…

AgeI embark on this blog topic with some trepidation. My opinion tonight – emphasis on “my” – might be deemed hippy-dippy, or worse, judge-y. Why discuss it all? Well, I’ve chosen to state my case on this subject because of what I hear – repeatedly. Bear in mind Redo 365 was about words, patterns, blocks and the like. In keeping with the progress I’ve made these past 12+ months, when what I hear triggers a deep response, I must give the rumblings their due. When, over time, others’ comments elicit the same response from me in spite of having given it consideration, I need to “discuss” it.

This topic is a common one certainly, with many stories happily shared everywhere from street corners to lunch counters to social media. Many sagas are rife with tragic near misses, and the ineptitude of services. Funnily, the dedication to an institutional construct does not frighten me, rather it strikes me as odd because we’ve so much viable information to draw from that contradicts tradition. Oh well. Change happens gradually, and even more slowly when self-responsibility is required. Ouch! But what am I actually on about? Well, it’s western health care and more specifically our concept of illness especially when it comes to aging. Not so much pharma because that’s an after effect. But steady on, maybe what I’ll write next isn’t so bad.

You regulars are well aware of my dealings with mental illness. Most of my life saw me in and out of situations because of it. But here’s the thing. Lately, I am even more thankful for the experience because of what I’ve learned living with it. There’ve been many little lessons, surely, but the biggest one is finding out that I am the ruler of my own domain via thoughts. I truly determine ‘me’. The healthcare system helped a lot. But in the end, healing was my choice.

It’s taken over sixty years for me to get to this point. During that time, I’ve fallen more than I care to mention and treated myself poorly. But here is a question for you? Be honest with your answer. When you look back on most situations, did you not hear, or rather sense, intuition suggesting a course for you? Did you not have a pretty good idea when you should, or should not, have done something? I certainly do! Every time I hurt myself, let my fear or anger triumph, or ate crap, or did not exercise, and so on, I knew it wasn’t going to help in the short or the long run. Even when in the height of some of my worst episodes, I KNOW there was an internal guidance system active. That’s where the adage about hindsight comes from. But does it have to be only in hindsight that we know? Absolutely not. Problem is, we are not taught about intuition. It is demonized mostly. But let’s get back to health care.

Because of my age, I’m expected to act a certain way, look a certain way, and visit my doctor regularly. I’m supposed to slow down, sleep less, get fat, and ache all over. I’m supposed to forget things, retire, and realize my time to matter has passed. And although many of you are shouting to the contrary right now saying things like. “Not me”, or “I’ll never do that!” friends, I’ve heard you say it, watched you act it out, and know without doubt, you buy the scenario about aging.

“I never go to the doctor! I think they’re crooks! I don’t do pharma.” Good for you! (Not the crooks thing because that’s not true of all.) But wait a minute. I hear you talk repeatedly about aches and pains, poor sleep or loss of memory. You are a walking contradiction which is not helpful. If you feel unwell, deal with it. You’re not a hero by constantly bemoaning one illness or another and bragging about not seeing a professional. That’s silly. Work with people who want to help you find a way to wellness. It doesn’t have to be conventional therapy or big pharma. There are all kinds of healers, healing. Find one. Find ten. Get some advice. That’s taking responsibility. And then? Make some changes. Change the narrative in your head that comes out of your mouth. If you do not, you’re part of the problem of aging myths, not a solution.

Another common one. “I go to the doctor because I’m proactive. I don’t want the diseases that come to us all. I’ll get a jump on them with early diagnoses.” Okay, that’s like pushing the old “you’ll catch cold going out without a coat.” Of course, I’ll get cold if it’s cold, but I won’t catch a cold from the cold. Nor will I ward off diseases by focussing on them. I will remain healthy by remaining healthy. That means balanced. And what about all those people who are diagnosed with awful diseases every day? That is where we need to apply some common sense.

For years it was too painful for me to take responsibility for my health. I was nuts but it wasn’t my fault. It was my genetics, or my DNA, or my absent mother or neglectful father. It wasn’t me. Trust me when I tell you, it started and ended with me. How I perceive what another does is up to me. And everything I do is reversible.

Oh, of course, there are layers and endless stories. But the bottom line is this: My health and well-being is my responsibility. If I believe disease is not a part of me, then I cannot engage with it to remove it if it comes. It will win out because I have no hope to regain my health – not really. It will remain an external and ever present foe. If, however, I believe that I can strengthen myself, balance my life with movement, and a proper diet, I’m making progress. Mostly though, it is my head that will determine my fate. It is how I think that will make me okay. It will not be a doctor or a hospital, but it will be whatever my head tells me. And if my thoughts tell me I am okay, then no matter what happens, I’ll be okay.

Tonight’s wish is for wellness. Being well in body, mind, and spirit might take a bit of work. If you’re like me, you’re not naturally balanced and need to nudge yourself toward better thoughts and a more balanced lifestyle. One way I ease up on myself is by paying attention to my intuition. I do that with meditation. When I sit in the silence, I allow. My thoughts run amok. I’ve done everything from my cushion from flying an airplane to falling in love, for a second or two. As the thought passes and I return to my breath, I realize it’s all okay – I am okay. When I am okay, I am happy and when happy, I am well.

Until tomorrow…

Ask and you shall receive…

TodayCan I love more? Yes. Can I give more? Yes. Can I trust, believe, act, abandon, relax, travel, more? Yes.

Today, I acted to transform an old pattern. My habit is to walk away when it comes to standing up for what is owed me, for example. Instead, today I communicated with a positive demand something that was owed to me and the result was immediate. The goal was accomplished. I stood my ground and requested what was my due. This was scary for me deep inside although I expected nothing less.

Never doubt you are worth what you are worth.

My wish tonight is that you follow through by biting down the fear that rises from your belly into your throat. When you follow through you affirm your talent and recognize your worth. Only you can do this. It is never someone else’s job. If you feel you cannot get the job, you will not. However, if you feel you’re up to the task, the job is yours. Go for it. You’ve everything to gain.

Until tomorrow…

Not in a china shop…

CattleWhat a day of contrary. I did not run the gamut of emotions at all, still there were some highs and lows both motioning me forward inch by inch primarily. That was good, of course. The contrast rests in a feeling of being static. Not an unknown feeling by any stretch, but strange at this point. Inexplicable for the most part.

I watched a wonderful animated movie today which triggered a visceral response from me contributing to those jumping emotions. It was a story of seeking whatever it is that makes you feel connected and more complete. That is instinctual, I think. I feel connected here in England and felt it once when in a relationship. I can’t honestly say whether I felt it when little because it was too long ago. There were times I felt it when making a home for my girls. Generally, however, I’ve only resonated to a place but remain slightly envious of those whose bonds with friends or family run deep. Perhaps when it comes to people, I am not able to trust. How could I believe another human being would want to commit to building any kind of life with me in their lens?

To that end, I’ve constructed my life. Today I became aware of this path I’ve laid out for myself and feel it needs to change. How? I’ve no idea but the desire is there so the opportunities will present themselves. I just have to be up to the task of accepting what comes. Hmm. Opening myself up to that degree of change is humongous. Am I up to it? I’m not sure but willing to try.

So I was rolling all of these revelations around in my brain when I headed off to yoga tonight. I was a couple of minutes behind so wanting to hurry. Now, keep in mind that hurrying on a single track road is not a wise course of action, nevertheless, I was sailing along until about a mile or so from the main road. At that point, a truck came by and because there was a car behind me, the truck backed up to the lay by so we could get by. Just as I was inching past the black SUV, I noticed the hedgerow behind the vehicle moving. Out popped a bull. Well I’ll be! The truck moved on but neither I nor the fellow behind me could move as the bull raced ahead on the narrow road. Suddenly, out came a dog and a frantic farmer both racing after the harried beast. The dog succeeded in turning the bull around but then the poor farmer yelled, “Back up! He’ll wreck your car!!” OMG. Okay, the dude behind me isn’t moving back. I’m stuck but thankfully, fate intervened and the poor bull threw himself back through the hedgerow a few feet from me, disappearing into the field. Well, well. Off to yoga then!

I’ve no idea what, if anything, today’s events have to tell me expect that I seem to be experiencing some wild and crazy things here and to date, remain unscathed. Life’s wonderful and certainly interesting.

So tonight I’d like to make a wish for trust. I knew before today that I’ve issues around trusting, but have the clarity and focus to accept and learn about those issues now with a view to correcting the so-called issues. Trusting others is a big one for many of us. Too often we come to relationships with so much baggage, suitcases chockablock with expectations, agendas, and needs. Goodness knows we set up others to fail all too often. But I have had people help me, bail me out, stand by me, and boost me up. That I cannot do it for myself is most often the real problem. But if I start deepening my own integrity and trusting that I am an okay person worthy of love, then maybe I’ll be able to trust others will want to hang with me. That would be nice. Dinner anyone?

Until tomorrow…

Transforming…

Holding space.jpgHad a bit of a revelation on the issue of release and decide I prefer to call it transformation. I like the sound of the word and its meaning. It’s the metamorphosis saga which makes me smile. From this point on, I’ll be transforming myself. Bring on the butterflies!

A new friend invited me to a late lunch this past Sunday. I accepted not knowing what I’d find when I arrived. To my surprise, I knew about half of the quests. My new friend is accomplished and always surrounded by people. She’s a movie in countless acts, charming and generous, flitting about her set and reading her lines with confidence. Her friends are interesting to a fault, well travelled and educated. I enjoyed the afternoon immensely remembering how I like that type of banter. To tell the truth, I had little to add and at times had to boost myself up when listening to talk of Zanibar’s slave quarters and snorkling in Papua New Guinea, but I admired rather than judged so got on well. It did get me to thinking, though. Surprise, surprise.

A great deal of my life has been spent rejecting and resisting life. Many of the choices I made were from fear. I regret all of that but am gradually coming to terms. Each day, I doggedly cling to the desire to transform the fear into love – love of self firstly, then others. I worry a bit that I’m contributing less than nothing to the world, but because I feel that way, the answer is to get out, get involved, and – well – contribute! Worry serves absolutely no purpose. And, after all, I’m still breathing so there might just be time to deal constructively with that pile of regrets.

My wish today, on this special day of the summer solstice and a full moon (won’t happen again until 2062) is to always hold space for others. We are so distracted today, our heads off someplace, our thoughts busied with stuff. It’s too easy to forget people. Not just our family, either. Family can be an easy diversion or a convenient way out. But keeping space for others requires attention to ourselves. It means quieting the voices. It means listening. It means letting go of any preconceptions and simply holding space so another human being can rest there. It is sacred, miraculous, and a grace filled opportunity for all concerned.

Until tomorrow…

 

A balancing act…

balanceLots of tears today each blending with the rain – steady and soft. I hinted last night in my post that something was going on and while I’ve still no clear idea what that ‘something’ is, the tears are a sign that something needs recognition, maybe even release. The latter is where I am stymied.

There’s much talk around me of late about releasing stuff. I am not sure I buy the generic notion. Maybe it’s not been properly explained to me, or perhaps I’m not able to do it so choose to poo-poo it. Maybe, but it’s not likely either of those reasons. It’s likely more to do with a line of thought I’ve pondered for a while which suggests expunging isn’t necessary. Balance, on the other hand, is. Without it, we might be spinning some, if not all, of our wheels.

When it comes to feelings, I am still stuck on the recognition bit, first and foremost. What I feel, I feel for a reason. I’ve a real concern that I will push out or reject, repress or resist something of value if I ignore or dispose of even the worst feelings. That’s not to say I dwell on the hard and painful ones. On the contrary, I try not to wallow or move in with them anymore. Rather, these days, I acknowledge them and then calmly see if I can figure out what’s going on. If there’s no immediate insight, I give them their due and then gently try to find a feeling that is sweeter. It might take time – an hour or a couple of days- but eventually I do feel better. I think we all do this in varying degrees. However, when we feel better, have we released the emotion that caused us trouble, or have we merely out-distanced it? Only time will tell, really, which leads me to believe that we do not release anything. It is all part and parcel of our human condition and as such, glorious. Elevated, enlightened, or aware? Certainly not all of it, not now, not yet, but glorious nonetheless.

In recognizing and acknowledging the crap I do not forego my desire to be a more compassionate, kind, and generous person. I still practice giving pause before speaking and catching my mind when criticizing unjustly. But there is no actual release for me. There is only growth, and the joy brought by small successes. Those “successes” are the result of my choices. I have free will, you see, as do you. And I can choose to see the good or deem something as bad. My wish is that I keep striving to choose harmony, peace, love, and forgiveness and my thinking is moving me to believe that nothing is “bad”. Bold statement? Yes.

This idea about nothing being bad is the line of thought I mentioned above. Of course it’s controversial and I’ve not fleshed out an argument for it. Currently, it’s merely a pervasive idea. I also do not know if it has a life of its own or what its limits are. What I do know is that it has some merit especially when it comes to how we perceive ourselves. Also, it is, after all, only a word. But if I were to say to you that my anger was an ill-thought choice, or a mistake for which I ask forgiveness of self and any who might have felt its sting, would it be different than if I called myself bad because I got angry? Would you call me a bad person if my anger roared at you? You might want to retaliate by throwing something at me. Is that bad, or is it a natural defense for which you can choose to follow through or instead, quickly assess the situation and decide to walk away? Semantics? Perhaps, but it can go much deeper.

Of course there is black and white. We’ve created it. We’ve also created night and day. It’s our constructed reality. Are they right or wrong, good or bad? No. They are part of the whole until out of balance. Equalized, we see only their supreme, omniscient purpose. IF that is what we choose to see. In my case, I am choosing to seek a balance in which life flourishes – in which I flourish. Enough said for now.

As we approach a full moon in this hemisphere on the summer solstice no less, my wish must be for balance. The natural world struggles to maintain it, righting itself when unimpeded. We can certainly do the same. True, we have created dense obstacles and formidable barriers in many cases and must find out what they are and then the best way through or around them in order to reset our equilibrium, but we are capable. Together and in solidarity we can return to love, find our way in the darkest night, and in the end shine as brightly as the stars from which we come.

Until tomorrow…

What feels right…

UnicornI didn’t want to miss another blog post, but am struggling to find the words. I’m back to being tired and am frittering away my days. Heaven knows I’m waiting for a bunch of things to materialize but that’s no excuse. A day should never be wasted. Still, I’m filled with lots of low-level emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel different somehow. And it’s all okay. Nothing too up, nothing too down. When you’ve a tendency for extremes, boring old calm with little feeling can be a relief.

My writing has been on my mind. I can’t seem to pull myself back to the book. Other work has come along and it is important work so must be attended to. I miss “Adopting Elizabeth” though and look forward to visiting with her story soon. The longing has got me to thinking back to a time when I was a storyteller, or I fancied myself one. I lived in books, and then later, movies. Fiction and reality blurred for me then and probably still does. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no romantic. I like the term innocent pragmatist. Over the years, experience and education have informed a more balanced approach, but I’ve not let go of all my dreams, either. And I’m happy about this. I still trust and hold an unflappable belief in life. That wasn’t always the case.

One sneaky reality for most who deal with depression is its unwavering pessimism. The word “but” slips from the tongue like saliva as it competes with “no” for supremacy. “How” is another that keeps one in a constant state of limbo. Unchecked, these words are as a potent as any drug. Once caught and used appropriately, some of depressions hold can lessen. Of course, it is not that easy. There’s much more work that needs doing, but I’m simply speaking of my own change from a pessimistic person to a positive one. It redefined me and in so doing helped me cope. It was challenging at first but it’s easy now. And it makes a difference. A good one.

My wish tonight is that whatever path works for you, you have the strength to keep on it. Like depression that pulls one away from feeling good, doing what feels good seems natural when healthy and clear minded. Why would you ever stray, or move away from feeling good? It makes no sense. No sense at all.

Until tomorrow…

Take my place…

Polite.jpgWell, this is the longest break from blogging I’ve taken to date. I’ve missed you, or more accurately, I’ve missed the routine of connecting – and of writing. And while I’ve not a lot to tell you to catch you up on things, I do have an “issue” of sorts I’m trying to work through. No, of course it’s not new! *sigh* That written, I’ve new insights into my behaviour. *sigh* yet again. Oh well, better a view than none at all, yes?

It’s so easy to blame others. I’ve been called up on my judging ways a few times lately. Here’s the thing. When I know what I know, I’m not judging. I’m calling a horse, a horse. Simple. And while a horse to me might be a dog to you, it’s all perspective at the end of the day. It’s an opinion. OH. There it is. Opinion. What another ‘reads’ by my tone or expression or look might well be their own judgement, or their opinion of me. OH for goodness sake! Can we separate it all out? Of course. But the first step in figuring it out is likely keeping our – uh – opinions – to ourselves. I’m not always good at it but have come a long way in the art of biting my tongue.

My opinion does not always have to be voiced to the world, but often better the world than an individual. Someone once said that they were not judging another when expressing their wonderment about certain behaviours but merely speaking out loud their confusion in an effort to figure it out. I get that. I also – am speaking of me now – know that sometimes I’m looking to affirm my shitty thoughts of another. I take full responsibility for that low-end stuff and ask forgiveness when that’s the case. I’m sure it’s too often. On the other hand, when not judging, I must learn to not hold resentment when another thinks I am.

But I’m way off track and it’s too late in the blog to wax brilliant about some earth shattering insight. LOL, so it’s on to the wish.

A few weeks ago I blew a hole in my girl’s Vitamix. A friend, knowing my deep need for smoothies (have I told you this?), graciously made loan of a spare blender. The repaired V-Mix arrived today so I headed out to return the loaner. Before leaving, (remember I live in the middle of nowhere) my landlord asked if I’d stop for some bread for him. Of course. Once in town and at the shop I found the particular bread he liked and made my way to check-out. Well! Everyone stepped aside for me. Two separate lines and three people – one way ahead of me – asked me to step up!! I am serious. This is not a “story”. This is a real experience. I could NOT get out without stepping ahead. I finally did because it seemed the best course. Moral? People are lovely. Give them a chance. In fact, expect it. I wish quirky, wonderful, happy, serendipitous events that bring a smile, a tear, a tweak that reminds you of your truest desire to feel GOOD. Goodness is everywhere.

Until tomorrow…