Just thinking…

KnittingForty plus years ago I thought my mother boring. It was beyond me why she preferred to sit in on a Friday night instead of going out with my dad. Why didn’t they want to go to a movie, to dinner, to friends, or out to dance, anything rather than sit at home in front of the television? My mom knit whenever she sat so she was always making something. My dad watched hockey or Lawrence Welk and was not to be disturbed. Shh! I couldn’t make sense of it – then. Now that I’m living that exact life sans hockey, Lawrence Welk, or the knitting, I understand completely. Oh, and I think myself boring, too. Progression or regression. I’ve not decided. Lol

In some year or other after Woodstock, I was arrested and spent the night in a grey concrete cell. My chums were American citizens and got to go home, but I had to appear before a judge in the morning being Canadian and all. The guys in the cell beside mine were recently returned from Viet Nam and not adjusting well. I listened to them most of the night and my views shifted. Breakfast was stale Corn Flakes and milk so sour it was curdled. It wasn’t my last protest but it was my last arrest.

I suppose we are all only the sum of our parts. We dance or knit, watch the game or play it, but at the end perhaps it is what we risk that’s most remembered. And the risk might just be staying in on a Friday night and knitting.

My wish tonight is for the courage to push yourself to your limit. That’s all. Just that.

Until tomorrow…

 

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Something to look at…

Beautifulview2Well, I did not write last night and it still amazes me how easily I can skip a post now. I’m looking at it like this: all the energy I put into thinking about it and writing last year can now go into something else – eventually. Sigh.

So yesterday, I met with a client via FaceTime to discuss another business writing project. I’m finally being called the ‘expert’ and being paid to offer up advice about why a writer should be hired at all and what sort of skills they might need. For most of us, we’ve dibbled and dabbled in all kinds of jobs because the pay isn’t commensurate for the work unless you’re a technical writer. Lord knows I admire them – the technical writers – but for the love of all the saints and angels, I could not be one of them. Admittedly, I wish I’d thought up the Dummies series, but alas I did not. Anywho, I’m pleased so bragging a bit.

Today, I worked really hard helping a friend who was stuck and needed an extra set of hands and legs. Midday, we took a breath with a cuppa, then went back to it. It was dusk by the time I headed home but I could still see hints of the sea as I crested a couple turns and felt the usual rush of joy that comes with certain views here. I’m so happy, thrilled actually, to be in this beautiful place even if I am really knackered. Hehe.

So, my wish tonight is that each and every one of you finds a view that brings you joy. It might be your baby, a painting, or the night sky. It might be your mother’s hand, or your daughter’s nose. It might be the skyscraper outside your window, or the lone tree in your backyard. It matters not what, just that you feel a rush, a swell of love when you see it. It’s the feeling of connectedness with someone, or something. Go with the feeling. That feeling is what love is, only greater.

Until tomorrow…

Shhh…

LaurelOh my goodness, I’ve been eating everything but the kitchen sink lately. Crap. Anybody else forever hungry? And no, of course I’ve not really, truly, been eating ‘everything’. But I have been eating a lot more than I typically do and feel kinda blah because of it. Oh well, this too shall pass, yeah? And speaking (writing) of things passing, I’d like the cold to let up. Geesh, anything else you’d like to complain about? Really! Enough.

Complaining about stuff’s a pain isn’t it? I can so quickly get back in the saddle and gallop off with this issue or that observation. I become a runaway at times, bit in my teeth oblivious to everything, running to anywhere. It’s so much nicer to walk and smell the flowers, yeah? Note to self: Stop your bitching!

My wish tonight is for silence.

“Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together; that at length they may emerge, full-formed and majestic, into the daylight of Life, which they are thenceforth to rule. Not William the Silent only, but all the considerable men I have known, and the most undiplomatic and unstrategic of these, forbore to babble of what they were creating and projecting. Nay, in thy own mean perplexities, do thou thyself but hold thy tongue for one day: on the morrow, how much clearer are thy purposes and duties; what wreck and rubbish have those mute workmen within thee swept away, when intrusive noises were shut out! Speech is too often not, as the Frenchman defined it, the art of concealing Thought; but of quite stifling and suspending Thought, so that there is none to conceal. Speech too is great, but not the greatest. As the Swiss Inscription says: Sprecfien ist silbern, Schweigen ist golden (Speech is silvern, Silence is golden); or as I might rather express it: Speech is of Time, Silence is of Eternity.” Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus, 1831.

With that, I’m off to meditate.

Until tomorrow…

Mindfield to mindful…

Bluebells.jpgMy afternoon was especially wonderful. I spent most of it at a somewhat remote property in the countryside joined by a couple OBEs and a group who are trying to change the world. No longer a working farm, the house and out buildings have been repurposed into an artist’s studio and lots of tastefully decorated guest rooms. Not completely eco, they are steadily moving toward self-sufficiency. I found the property simply magical, a place where one expects to see fairy folk in the bluebells.

Earlier in the day, my mind had been busy boxing ideas. One thing it was on about again was labels and how we seem to have a need to call people ‘something’. Think is, a person is a human being. They are not the sum of their race, colour, or creed, illness, designation or career. Lately, with an enormous brush, I’ve found myself painting folks. Not helpful and a habit I’m going to break. It’s my belief that labels surely have some purpose but must be used with caution because naming can contribute to separating us and divisiveness does not promote the ‘me’ I want to be. I need to pay close attention to how I use labels going forward.

Another big thought this morning was about being funny. (Yes, I’m very well aware how my thoughts jump. Try living in my head!) I’m not anymore. Funny that is. I used to be. Hey, didn’t I write about this subject one night just a few weeks ago? I can’t remember which, is a problem. Wait. No, that’s not a problem at all. I’ve a great memory. Sometimes. Anywho, I recently found a picture of my dorm mistress from boarding school days. She wrote, “Don’t ever lose your great sense of humour!” Who was she writing too? Indeed, it was addressed to me and since I was the only one in that class with that name, it must be me. So, I want that back. Please.

And lastly, the final big thought from this morning was this one. If you regret not having done something and you’re still breathing, you’ve time to go do it. Okay, maybe not in every case because if you regret not having a baby and you’re really old, then it might be best to find another regret like not sky diving and try that instead, if you get my meaning. Basic idea? Stop thinking, just do it. (Thanks, Nike. I’d have never thought of it myself!)

And with that, my wish tonight is for appreciation. Sometimes, I get so busy with all the crap I think important that I fail to notice kindness, and unconditional generosity. I have been shown such goodness by so many. Thank you. I appreciate it. And truly, all around there are stunning people doing extraordinarily amazing things like getting up, making breakfast, taking their kids to school and going to work. Fabulous! Thanks Mom for doing that every day for me. I don’t think I appreciated it then. I do now.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Give it a go…

laughing.jpgI’m a sucker for a good romance. Always have been. Girl meets boy, falls for boy who is an arse, saves boy who everyone else thinks is on a course of irrevocable destruction, and off they ride down a dusty road middle fingers held high. Mustang convertible and sunset, optional. Sigh.

Smitten, you see. Over the moon, full on madly in love with romance. Further, I believe in happily ever after. Seriously. To the death, believe. Just because I’ve not actually experienced the epic lovecapades of Cinderella, Elizabeth Bennett or Buttercup, does not mean The Notebook isn’t being lived out verbatim by a gorgeous pair right this instance. Another sigh.

It’s alright. It’s because I’ve been immersed in the romantic world of business research reports all day. Heavens, I desperately need some Outlander. Oh hey, has anyone seen The Durrells? Good, really really good.

Anywho, tonight’s wish is once again about doing what you love, what makes you smile, what brings you joy. So wishing tonight for a burst of belly shaking, snorting piggy noise, tears down the cheeks, laughter. Come on, you know you want to. Go ahead, just laugh. It feels so good, yeah? Hahahahaha…hahah…hahahahahah…

Until tomorrow…

Show up and shine on!

Showup.jpgStill asking some serious questions of myself, like why I feel yeck out of the blue in waves for no apparent reason, or what my real purpose is? (Yes, I realize I am too old to be asking the latter question.) The first question I might have gained some insight into today. The second, well I need to maybe write out some lists of dos, wanna dos, and don’ts but one umbrella thought struck when thinking mainy about the yecks – I’d need to be grateful for them.

When the news of Prince’s death broke this week, the global community of music lovers shouted “NO”. It seems we’re watching what appears to be a mass exodus of greats. Conspiracy? Maybe it is, actually. Maybe we are being asked to step up, each and every one of us, and make music. Not literally silly, but yet, sort of.

This constructed society we’re in likes celebrity and all its trappings. We place them on pedestals and pay homage, seek out answers, and form cults of worship (fan clubs). Now don’t go getting all modern on me because we’ve been doing this for a long, long, long time. Nefertiti was a celeb, as were Nero and Confucius. Names too numerous to mention have influenced human behaviour en masse for probably ever and we keep fanning the flames of this somewhat manic conduct still. While bits of admiring are perfectly good and fine and understandable, as with most things, we need balance. Logic would also be helpful. Anywho, Prince, and Bowie, Frey, and Kantner to name but a few of the ‘stars’ extinguished of late, while leaving a ginormous hole, might well be asking us to ‘sing our own special songs’.

It would be ridiculous of me to suggest that Prince was anything less than a stellar musician who could move like a gazelle and sparkle like a nebula. Furthermore, it would be sheer folly to say there are tons of equally talented peeps out there just like him but that’s exactly what I’m going to say. We’ve not heard of them, though. Why? Because what made Prince shine brightly enough so we’d all see his light was his unshakeable, unwavering belief in himself. Confidence. Oh, and showing up helps a lot, too. Prince made music over and over and over again.

So I’m seeing a message flash before me. It reads DO what you LOVE. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Clichés – again! That’s okay. I understand. But listen, I think we are blessed with millions of shining stars who can illuminate a way for us and unless we do what we love, we’ll never know whether or not we are one of them. Those spectacularly bright talents that have left might well be asking us to start shining. Just a thought.

And my wish tonight? Let’s simply believe in our own unique and glorious gifts, our own light. ET did it along with countless others. We love them for it. Hey, some have even been killed because of it. So let’s show we get how important each and every one of us is. Let’s break with convention, step out of the boxes of tradition that no longer work for us and then party like it’s 1999!

Until tomorrow…

What matters most…

IMG_0108I’ve questions tonight. Not for me, although I’ll benefit, but for ya’ll. The first one is “Amongst your things what is your most prized possession? If your house was on fire and your family and pets safe, is there one thing you’d need to get your hands on before you escaped the flames? Next question is, “Do you know where that ‘thing’ is?

All my moving about has caused me to purge a lot over the years and yet, I’ve still tons. So privileged, yes? Anywho, I’m noticing how much I have as I ready to move again. I’ve way too many clothes – too many coats, shoes, tops, and bottoms. I’ve mementos and pictures, and a few books I’ll never read again. I’ve kept too much jewellery – most of it costume. And no matter how much I give away or sell, I still seem to have too much! A first world problem. Oh, and it gets worse. I pack seasonally and now every time I open a vacuum bag or container, I utter the same words. “I kept that why?”

So today while trying to work a bit, write a bit, and organize the packing a bit, it hit me. “I like 90% of the things I have but what I’d ‘grab’ if I had to escape are some pictures of my girls and a few rings that have been in the family. I think we all have items we feel are irreplaceable. And that’s okay. I am so grateful that I have special things. And even more grateful knowing that they do not matter.

What matters is passion, how we love, how we serve.

My wish tonight is for a renewal of conviction. I remember a time when helping mattered a great deal. I went out of my way to at least try. To my credit, I used to sing for the love of it. And here’s the thing. I believe that anything we do for the joy it brings us, helps. If we are doing something for the sheer love of it, it cannot help but be fuelled by our conviction. It helps us reach deeper, and it helps others who get to share in all that bliss we feel.

P.S. I remain firmly convicted to the belief that I will receive the information about my mother that I’ve long asked for and long been promised.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

 

 

Our own wings…

Wings.jpgI drifted to sleep last night fighting the urge to write. Nonsensical move for sure. What resulted was a burning desire to post at least my wish on the blog when I woke me in the wee small hours. But I kept up the fight, rolled over and forced more sleep to come. I had more to say than just the wish, you see. And so now, at midday, I’m going to attempt to put a few scattered revelations into comprehensive phrases. No small order! By the way, I’m quite amazed at my attitude toward this blog. When I do not post, I feel guilty which means I might well have created a monster! I prefer to find a kinder description, however, so will look for one later.

Redo 365 was supposed to set me straight, force me to get real, face a few demons, get fitter, and the like. I’ve made huge strides, too, except in the fitness department. That’s a work in progress. I’m more honest with myself and more positive, though, and eat better and better with ease. The promise I made on my birthday, the one to post every day, was a big one. Save three days, I wrote or vlogged through thick and thin. Nothing was prewritten, nothing edited. When still drinking, (by the way, I have had a few recently and find alcohol definitely isn’t for me) I managed to write. No matter the time, I posted. No diversion or distraction stopped me. The wish was for myself, a way to shore up a sagging spirit, or to remind me of a bigger picture.

During the year I moved house 5 times, country once and still managed to post. In the end, what I’ve realized is this: 365 days is not enough for a complete redo. How many days should it be? I’ve no wretched idea. Suffice it to say, I’ve a lot of work left to do and no choice but to continue this trip I’m on no matter how long it takes. That written, I’m feckin’ exhausted, in my head way too much, spinning my wheels a LOT, and really wonder, what the hell? Hey, there’s a good question. Not!

Seriously, much has changed physically, emotionally, and materially. Of course it has. And if I could point at one thing that might need calming or addressing it would be all this moving. As good as I’ve gotten at it, it might be taking a toll, slowing me down, making my way forward sticky. And some of the things I’ve never been proficient at are catching me up because I’ve not sufficient time or energy to deal properly with them. Time to step aside and get some advice, or some actual help. NO, not that kind. I’m not crazy-crazy! Okay, I’m a little crazy. LOL

But for right now, I want to rest. Not sleep, rest or is it surrender? I want to surrender into the womb of my own essence. Yes. Somewhere in there are the arms I need to hold me, the knowledge I need to support me, and the grace I need to see my way into tomorrow’s dawn with active, purposeful gratitude, the kind of gratitude that makes me thankful for the missteps and off-thoughts.

And so I’ll wish for wings, tonight. Sometimes we need to feel we can lift off, set ourselves free to soar out of reach of all the grasping, clawing, and confusion. We can do it. We must close our eyes, extend our arms and feel the wind gently pulling us. When we open our eyes we see no strife, only the beauty. When we come back down, we know exactly what we need to do to make our corner of the planet better. And we know we can count on our wings to help us.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Repeat and repeat…

WaterDo you ever have days when nothing seems right? In spite of sunny skies and warm breezes beckoning you stay locked up inside – inside your house and inside that busy mind that isn’t so much busy as blurry. So blurry that even though you know for certain you are not, you feel as if you’re dreaming. It’s not a good dream, but not horrible, either. It’s one of those ‘can’t put your finger on it’ dreams. You’re watching everyone and are fully aware they are right there with you laughing and talking, but you feel a bit numb, and a long way away from them. You want to reach out and touch them. You want them to reach inside and pull you out so you can be with them. But then they’re gone. Do you ever feel this way? Probably not. Sorry. Must sound a nutter, not to mention a broken record.

I’ve been here before. The way I’m feeling, the thoughts I have, are not new. In fact they are far too common. We all know what is said of those who repeat things expecting different results, yes? I don’t want to keep repeating this though so must ask questions. What exactly am I feeling? Why do I keep coming back to this place?

I know the answer to number two, but need to be more exacting about number one. Here goes.

  • I’m lonely. (Despite promises to get out and do things with others, I have not.) Check.
  • I’m exhausted. I’ve tons to do but lack the drive and motivation. (I did not plan on moving again until I was secure and somewhat solvent. I didn’t expect things to unfold as they have and although it’s all good, I’m just not coping well.) Check.
  • Money. (I’m not aligned yet so the doubt and yes, fear, adds to my exhaustion. Must catch myself and trust.) Check.

And of course, I keep returning to this place because I am not addressing the issues, not resolving them. Damn it! You’d think by now I’d be perfect!

So tonight I’m wishing for gratitude and a smidgen of courage. We all know how helpful and healing a grateful heart is so that part of the wish is a no brainer. The wish to be a bit more courageous, is not so self-explanatory. You see, we need to be a lion at times and let ourselves roar. Even when we’re hurting or in need? Indeed. It takes courage to admit we are vulnerable, that we need a hug or a hand to help us up. Bravery is exhibited by the person who gratefully accepts what comes, and who is willing to surrender to what is. I’ve got my white flag.

Until tomorrow…

Allowing acceptance…

Not as it seemsSeriously, I tried to be responsible today, do some work. I failed for the most part. I succeeded at staying pretty grounded though stopping myself from looking at the forest. It was challenging. That’s what I find amazing, how subtle and layered behaviours are, or at least those that have the greatest impact and influence on us.

Old habits, even the ones we know are lousy, do not shift with ease. I’ve day dreamed since I can remember, imagining myself the centre of attention in someone else’s life. I’m all about dreaming, and imagining is energizing, but like everything balance is key. Chasing a dream becomes analogous to any other addiction when the dreamer seeks out the fantasy over reality. Or is there something else going on?

I bet no one foresaw Oprah’s success. Edison’s teacher thought him addled. We’ve all heard what we can or cannot do from well-meaning family or friends, too. But what if we saw ourselves doing something and never strayed from that vision, losing ourselves in the notion that we were the best talk show host in the world, or whatever particular vision belonged to us.  For me it was singing. I saw myself doing it and did. And there’s tons of other examples, but mainly it’s that way. It is the law of attraction. So why don’t all our dreams come true then? Because we do not let them become the real deal.

At this stage, I won’t give up on some of my wild desires. True, I’m becoming more selective, if you think I’ve given up on winning the lottery for example, you’d be wrong. You see, it’s not about giving up on any desires, it’s about believing them possible and being ready to accept them when they show up.

Tonight, I’m wishing for the fortitude to accept the dream when it enters the real world, allow the birth as it were. I wish we would not miss the tree beside us because we’re looking at the forest in the distance. Sounds silly, yes? Why would you want to sing, be a talk show host, or an inventor only to turn away from the opportunity to do so? More common than you might think. Fear of failure, fear of success, or plain old fear tells us we cannot do it, make it, or be it. It seems failure can be sickeningly enticing so that’s the choice we make – to fail. Sadly, we then invent a story blaming others or ourselves or both. What a mess! Would it be sweeter to sing, talk, and bring light? I’m thinking yes. Let’s shine!

Until tomorrow…