I drifted to sleep last night fighting the urge to write. Nonsensical move for sure. What resulted was a burning desire to post at least my wish on the blog when I woke me in the wee small hours. But I kept up the fight, rolled over and forced more sleep to come. I had more to say than just the wish, you see. And so now, at midday, I’m going to attempt to put a few scattered revelations into comprehensive phrases. No small order! By the way, I’m quite amazed at my attitude toward this blog. When I do not post, I feel guilty which means I might well have created a monster! I prefer to find a kinder description, however, so will look for one later.
Redo 365 was supposed to set me straight, force me to get real, face a few demons, get fitter, and the like. I’ve made huge strides, too, except in the fitness department. That’s a work in progress. I’m more honest with myself and more positive, though, and eat better and better with ease. The promise I made on my birthday, the one to post every day, was a big one. Save three days, I wrote or vlogged through thick and thin. Nothing was prewritten, nothing edited. When still drinking, (by the way, I have had a few recently and find alcohol definitely isn’t for me) I managed to write. No matter the time, I posted. No diversion or distraction stopped me. The wish was for myself, a way to shore up a sagging spirit, or to remind me of a bigger picture.
During the year I moved house 5 times, country once and still managed to post. In the end, what I’ve realized is this: 365 days is not enough for a complete redo. How many days should it be? I’ve no wretched idea. Suffice it to say, I’ve a lot of work left to do and no choice but to continue this trip I’m on no matter how long it takes. That written, I’m feckin’ exhausted, in my head way too much, spinning my wheels a LOT, and really wonder, what the hell? Hey, there’s a good question. Not!
Seriously, much has changed physically, emotionally, and materially. Of course it has. And if I could point at one thing that might need calming or addressing it would be all this moving. As good as I’ve gotten at it, it might be taking a toll, slowing me down, making my way forward sticky. And some of the things I’ve never been proficient at are catching me up because I’ve not sufficient time or energy to deal properly with them. Time to step aside and get some advice, or some actual help. NO, not that kind. I’m not crazy-crazy! Okay, I’m a little crazy. LOL
But for right now, I want to rest. Not sleep, rest or is it surrender? I want to surrender into the womb of my own essence. Yes. Somewhere in there are the arms I need to hold me, the knowledge I need to support me, and the grace I need to see my way into tomorrow’s dawn with active, purposeful gratitude, the kind of gratitude that makes me thankful for the missteps and off-thoughts.
And so I’ll wish for wings, tonight. Sometimes we need to feel we can lift off, set ourselves free to soar out of reach of all the grasping, clawing, and confusion. We can do it. We must close our eyes, extend our arms and feel the wind gently pulling us. When we open our eyes we see no strife, only the beauty. When we come back down, we know exactly what we need to do to make our corner of the planet better. And we know we can count on our wings to help us.