Reaching and wondering…

beaconDo you ever enter into a random conversation with a virtual stranger and walk away from the conversation feeling uplifted, even renewed or at least, encouraged? How about encounters that leave you feeling a bit breathless, really hopeful and inspired? Then there are those rather rare surprise meetings where you learn something new, but it’s not actually new-new, more like a deep knowing you’d never articulated but suddenly, when someone does, you say, “I didn’t know that but then again it feels like I did cuz what you said makes so much sense!” That’s how I like to view this blog, offering up a soupcon of all those serendipitous synchronicities that rumble around in me.

Despite a fair bit of repetition (which I am seriously going to address!), this blog is pretty much all over the place. It remains unscripted. It’s me writing down my thoughts on everyday simple, and not-so-simple, stuff. On purpose, I’ve not ranted too wildly on topics I’m passionate about and there’s a reason for that which I’ll explain at some point. I’ve also chosen to stay out of the political arena for the most part although I think most readers would agree that my leanings are obvious. But, I no longer take any pleasure in debating problems, political or otherwise. There are so many. Over these last few years, going ‘there’ has become increasingly difficult. My heart aches and my eyes weep at the obscene violence, neglect, and destruction we ‘advanced’ humans continue to perpetuate on the innocent. My grief is acute. I take some solace in knowing there are many able minds seeking solutions, however, and I have no doubt there are more beautiful souls trying to better the world than there are fucking it up.

My musings are not wordsmithed, but they are written with a degree of care. I write in an effort to discover who I really am, face every demon, and stand accountable for every atrocious thought and act. I write to expose my frailty and seek forgiveness for everything. I know I’ve a few gorgeous readers, and am super chuffed about that, but the words I write are directed to me – for me.

Perhaps I should stick to only a couple of topics, the ones I know best like depression, or adoption, or stupidity. A desire I’ve already expressed is to be funnier. I’d love to be slightly irreverent, sarcastic, and witty. I’d also like my posts to be more orderly – or is it ordered? Whatever the case, that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. The thought of stepping it off strikes more than a little fear in me, plus that wasn’t how this exercise began. The initial intention was to talk about redoing the best way I could. I’m still a work in progress definitely, and even though I’m not writing every single day, when I do, stream of consciousness is still the best way for me to talk about what’s going on.

Maybe I’m not being honest enough. I consider that quite often. I skirt some intense issues and there have been a few posts I’ve erased. A teacher and coach asked me to get real once. I didn’t quite know what she meant but tried to alter my style and my grades reflected success. I would have very much liked to remain under her tutelage but she died holidaying in France. No one else took the same interest in my writing.

Anywho, I’ll wrap up this epistle but mention how lonely I’ve been lately, but how well I’m eating and sleeping. I’m back in a yoga class but only once a week. I need to get moving more and to that end am considering hiring a trainer. I’ll keep you posted.

I wish today for warm breezes to ward off a chill. Healthy food to fill a hungry belly. Clean, fresh water to quench your thirst. I wish that you can find an understanding ear when you are troubled, and lots of supportive hands to hold. We have needs, all of us. Maybe today we can be that understanding ear or helping hand. And maybe, when we listen, or help, we will feel a warm breeze, a full belly, and our thirst will dissolve. Sometimes our needs are best filled by helping someone fulfill theirs.

Until tomorrow…

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