Get some sleep after the wings appear…

Butterfly-HdSo picking up on last night’s message about energy. I’ve been tired a lot, yes. But transformative experiences can bring about fatigue. Those events like a new job, a new home, or morphing into a butterfly, are exciting and although we might well have entered into the adventure willingly, but it’s tiring, nonetheless. Almost anytime we step out of our comfort zone we begin to alter ourselves from the shortest of journeys to the most challenging of moves. When I referred to the fatigue I’m dealing with and being open to answers about why it is lingering, though, I was talking about the internal stuff.

I joked last night about doing things that are naturally exhausting and then complaining about being tired, often saying something ridiculous like, “why am I so tired?” We really need to watch that talk and change it when we can. If we stayed up all night watching movies, of course we’re tired the next day! If we’re working on a project that’s taking a long time to complete, it might be wearing us down. We need to take care of ourselves, watch our patience and take a good hard look at our expectations. If we expect to not feel tired but ask way too much of ourselves, we’re not being very realistic. Again, though, that’s not what I was getting at.

The re-do is about sustainable change, accountability and self-responsibility. It has become more things, too. And, I’m different than I was all those months ago when I started it by leaping into the unknown. Taking ownership and being honest has altered me. I am transforming into a truer and better version of myself. And, it’s tiring. Deeply, unrelentingly, exhausting. That’s the kind of tired I was making reference to. And it’s good.

So, I can get some sleep, slow down, and spend more time on the cushion if I’m pushing myself too hard and need rest. With the process of transformation, unless I want it to stop, I’ve little to say over how long this weariness will plague me. It’s too late. I’m in too far. I don’t want it to stop.

So I suppose that’s the answer for me. I’ll accept whatever I need to if it means all these good changes will keep on happening.

So my wish tonight is for clarity. Sometimes it’s really hard to see what’s in front of us. Other times we keep being reminded but refuse to ‘buy in’. It will hurt to go deep inside, we say. It will hurt to change. Yes. That’s true, but clearly, if you’re seeing the words, reading the stories, noticing the mantras, you are meant to. They’re not for anybody but YOU. Put on your glasses and have another read. Wipe the fog off the mirror and take a good look. Change starts with no on but you. And it can be exhausting, but exhilaratingly so.

Until tomorrow…

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Mustering…

All I have the energy for tonight is my wish. Apologies.

So, I’m wishing for more energy. I know, no imagination!

I’ve mentioned, although I’ve been up to lots, I’m weary of late. It seems, the tiredness is hanging on. I’m not sure why, but am open to answering that question. I’ll figure it out because it’s got something to do with transformation which is exhausting in itself and yet, perfectly okay. But it’s vital to be patient when we’re tired and look for the real reason. If you’re doing a zillion things, not sleeping, or making no effort to calm your overstimulated mind storms, then suck it up. You’re gonna be tired. Furthermore, no amount of wishing for energy is gonna bring it. However, if your life is changing in profound and soul-level type ways, you might become fatigued and need to simply trust and breathe. The energy will return. Ahhh…

Night, night.

Until tomorrow…

Writing and staying dry…

Floods.YorkshireAh, what a day. I wrote book stuff. Goodness, that brings me so much joy. You’ve no idea! I’ve still a very long way to go before “Adopting Elizabeth” is complete, but from where I was to where I am – gosh – it’s nothing short of a miracle. And I’m happy with the story so far.

I edit when I write. Someday I’ll break that habit, but for now, it’s as it is. I mean, even as quickly as I write these posts, I’m editing as I write. It’s not close to the same intensity, but it’s inherently the same process. I pick up the story cold where I left of – obviously – but not before I’ve re-read a bit. Yes, it’s arduous! LOL

Sometimes an idea has come to me during the day etc., so I get that down before going back. Other times it’s just continuing along from where I left off before I review. And the edits can be a little or a lot depending on my mood and/or the quality of what I’m reading. I don’t always make changes. Today I’m gonna brag because I actually liked what I was reading and thought it good. I added to one or two vignettes, enhanced a character slightly, but all in all, left things pretty much intact. Moving forward posed the only problem. I’m a bit stuck with the next chapter. That said (or more accurately ‘written’) I’ll figure it out. The biggest challenge is to get back to my promise of 500 words a day. I really must try to meet that target or the bloody thing will never get written. And that is unacceptable.

It’s still very warm here. If you’re a follower of weather you’ll know that, like Texas, we’ve had too much rain here. Flooding persists in the far north, but it appears we will see some warnings issued this week for us here in the south. The rivers are swollen and the ground saturated. Our home is high up, but businesses and many homes in the village are not. My fingers are crossed.

I am wishing for awareness tonight. Not the internal kind although that’s always important, but an awareness of others. In bad weather of any kind, let’s try to keep in mind those who are vulnerable. There are elderly, the sick, or folks with little ones who are not as apt and able as those of us with cars or strong legs and good backs. In our busy day-to-day it is too easy to narrow our focus to things that, in the grand scheme, might not really be that important. Staying aware of a neighbour is not that difficult, is it? Nah. And heck, checking in just to make sure they’re safe and sound makes everybody feel good, doesn’t it? Yeah. No question.

Until tomorrow…

Making more room…

RoomAccepting stuff is sometimes a pain in the ass. Of course it’s worth it, but in the moment, goodness knows the pull to rail ‘against’ is oh so tempting. But that really won’t help in the long run. Giving way to human frailty seldom does. Furthermore, I don’t particularly want to be frail. I would prefer to use the powerful, stronger bits of me.

Of course I fall. My ego steps up to the plate and l start judging others or doubting myself. I regret or want to blame. I fear for my future and worry. Human weakness, yeah? Forgive myself and get back up!

The good old pain-body and I struggle less and less. With practice, knowing it’s my choice what happens next and that I can choose to get up and not wallow, I forgive myself. Once I do that all kinds of space appears. I’ve made room for real change. But, I’ve written before about forgiveness being necessary for self-love. In fact, I’m sure forgiving is necessary for living.

Over these days of searching the soul (me mind) and chipping away at obstacles, I’ve removed a fair amount of waste. I’m less cluttered inside as well as out. Maybe it’s time to really settle down. Or maybe not. I’m not ready to commit to that line of thinking just yet.

So my wish is for the gift of discernment. We’ve sometimes important decisions to make. They may involve others and so can be of vital importance. By seeking the quiet and becoming still, we can discern direction. Another’s path is not always the one we should walk. Another’s voice is not the one we should speak with. In discerning the messages meant to guide OUR path, we cut our own trail, and find our own voice. It is truly a sacred and holy pursuit.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Small, smaller, smallest…

SmallFeeling slightly ‘thin skinned’ today. I’m not used to being with people all the time and these last weeks since leaving Canada have been a veritable cornucopia of meet and greets. While wonderful at its core, and an adventure, the whirlwind is taking a toll begging the question, “Could I actually live with someone?”

Over these years of wayward-ness, I’ve become smaller than ever. Okay now, stop laughing. No, I’ve not lost a lot of weight – yet! It’s coming. You doubters will be very surprised when I post my after pics. Anywho, my meaning of ‘smaller’ is that I leave as little trace as possible. I move in a lot of stuff without anyone’s help, sort through it, and organize it if staying. If transient, just about the time I’m organized is when I’m ready to move on.

While under someone else’s roof, I stay hidden for the most part, clean up after myself, and breathe quietly. Maybe not the best way to come fully into “me”. Anyone planning on pulling up stakes like I have would likely act similarly. It depends on your funds, mostly. If you’re loaded, you can disregard everything I’ve written about small because it doesn’t apply to you. With oodles of cash you can get suitable accommodation that suits your needs without relying on the kindness – or couches – of friends or acquaintances. Still it’s all a learning experience and I’ve learned so far that I’m not myself around others.

I wonder why that is? I grew up like most of you in a pretty normal home. I think I fit in okay, if memory serves. Later, when I moved out, I lived on my own for few years but went to school or work and entertained. Then I got married. We had dinner parties and the like. I had kids and attended lots of functions involving lots of people. I survived. When did I start to become so small?

I guess it doesn’t really matter when, just that if it’s not working for me, I best think of becoming larger. Not sure how that looks right now because I’m just getting used to what it means to be small. I’ll figure it out though. And of course, write about it here as it unfolds.

My wish tonight is for space. We don’t often give each other much of it, in actual fact. We tend to get pretty much up in people’s faces when they aren’t doing what we think they should. There are lots of scenarios we can surely think of where we pressured someone to do what we wanted with little regard for what they wanted. We know best! But do we, really? Not likely. It’s just that we’re afraid if we give someone their space, they might challenge us. Heavens! Worse, will they do something we don’t want them to? Even worse, what if they leave us? Preventing another their space is really about us. We’re afraid. Think about it and try to relax the hold. Before you know it you may end up with more space than you know what to do with. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Until tomorrow…

Merry Christmas! Tis the day…

Merry ChristmasMerry Christmas everyone! I hope your day was wonderful. Did you get all the gifts you’d hoped for? I certainly received tons more than I gave, so am feeling very blessed indeed if a tad guilty. Lol.

As good as the day was overall, I missed my western girl terribly. I admit I feel guilty when I’m with one and not the other. Funny thing, that. Note to self: Figure out why.

The rains set in today and stayed so I was not able to see the full moon tonight. I was happy I’d caught a glimpse last night. There is much going on in the heavens and the energy is quite dense. For me personally, I’m feeling a bit invigorated, my cough is subsiding, and clarity is settling back in. Being empathic has its pluses, but when there’s a lot of stuff floating around like there traditionally is during holidays, it can be pretty chaotic. Not so much this year. I’m becoming more grounded, or losing my touch. Either way, I’m not complaining and will keep doing what I’m doing.

I made a promise to not overindulge this year around the table or when out and about, and I’ve done better than expected. However, I’ve decided I need to pull up the reins on sugar. Me thinks I’m eating too much and that it might be what is tapping my energy. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m ingesting a lot more than I think in any given day. Not healthy, but apprehensive about making big prmomises about ridding the dreaded stuff from my life. That written, I do want to try. It’ll be worth it, I’ve no doubt.

So my wish tonight is for self-care which means on both the physical and metaphysical levels. The latter, of course, is the hard stuff, the stuff we don’t want to deal with. For me, I recognize that my persistent cough is me barking at the world, feeling misunderstood. I have been working to clear that old story for years now and have made wonderful progress. But I know full well when I’m setting myself up for failure like not resting, or eating too much stuff that will only hurt  me. And that’s not self-care. Loving the world means loving myself, too. And loving myself means taking responsibility. Period.

Until tomorrow…

Gratefully…

Full ChristmasTime is passing on this wonderful day. Earlier, the sight of an almost full moon beaming in the sky quite took my breath away. As I drove across the river toward home it was as if it was speaking to me, that white orb, telling me I’ve more to do, have faith. Tears started to well up but nothing too serious. I was driving and didn’t want to end up in the river below.

And now as this eve comes to a close, all I can think to write is, Merry Christmas.

My wish tonight is that we who are safe and warm, able to wake to gifts, food, and the laughter of loved ones, practice our most profound degree of gratitude ever. We have so much to be grateful for.

Until tomorrow…

Calm amid the chaos…

LightThe feelings I’m moving into are a bit funky all of a sudden. The impending full moon, the return of my allergy-based cough, along with my waning energy is dragging me down. However, I’m okay. I know this “mood” will pass as quickly as it comes, but it’s a good reminder that I need to keep myself focussed on positive thoughts and even spend a few more minutes on the meditation cushion.

I’m writing late again tonight because after seeing the fantabulous, amazing, spectacular Star Wars movie, I went to a club to hear a band. The bar scene alters radically when you don’t drink. The energy, however, does tend to tire me. Not because there’s so much fun being had, but the opposite is sort of the case, I think. All that confusion and grasping. It’s exhausting. It was good to be there for a bit, and good to leave.

My wish tonight is for the ability to find peaceful quietude in a noisy world. Of course, that’s what meditation is for. The practice not only calms the mind, but makes the world around less noisy, too. It lowers our blood pressure. With so much coming at us these days, from every blessed direction, it’s as if we are swirling in a storm. That’s exactly the time to take a deep inhale, and close your eyes on the exhale. Don’t open your eyes right away (unless you’re driving), and find the light. Let it wash over you, that violet white light, if only for second. Do that every day. You are meditating. Peaceful, isn’t it?

Until tomorrow…

Memories of holly jolly…

BoatsIt was 1973. I lived in a tiny, albeit charming, one bedroom apartment along the river. When foggy, lake freighters would blast location warnings to other ships often sending me through the roof. Those horns were loud. One morning, I woke with a sea-faring cargo ship moored outside my windows. It was so close I could see the crew, and they could see me, too. I seldom drew the shades because mostly it was a pretty private spot. That morning, I was thankful I’d worn pyjamas to bed. Anyway, I waved and went to the bathroom, closing the door behind me obviously. When I came out, the boat was making its way into the shipping channel. I saw some arms waving, so I returned the farewell with a mental reminder to close the curtains on foggy nights from now on.

My mother died in February of that year, so it was my first Christmas without her. I was also alone. Waking on Christmas morning, by myself, turned out to be not the nicest experience I’ve ever had. I vowed it would not happen ever again. But it has. It’s not felt quite as bad as that first time, though. I steeled myself, perhaps, or simply got used to it.

Whatever the case, whether alone or with family or friends, I’ve always kept my love for this season. Nothing, not even the hardest or saddest times ever dampened the joy I let it bring. When working as a music director, the months of rehearsal and preparation were fun. Oh sure, there was stress because I didn’t know who to handle it then, but I still loved it all; the decorations, the festivities, the shopping, the colours – you name it I loved it. I don’t have a clue why, and it doesn’t matter.

Now, saying all of that, I’m not traditional about it anymore and have not been for a long, long time. I’ve not had a tree, for example, since 1994. Oh, I decorate, have no doubt. Every room is set a glow with Christmasy things, and lights are wrapped around garland wherever I can put them. But, no tree. I wouldn’t do a live one in spite of loving the smell. And, of course, there’s no turkey. But the meals are fantastic without it.

Last season, I was with my girls. It was wonderful. I’m happy to be with family again this year, but will miss daughter number one and her fella. This is what’s awkward about having kids so far apart. We’ve been doing it like this for a long time, though.

My wish tonight is for grace, both the noun and the verb. The noun meaning is “courteous good will” while the verb means to “bring honour”. During this time of holiday making and over-indulgence, we can lose sight of virtues. I am reminded of the teaching, “When you’ve the opportunity to choose right or kind, choose kind.” Kind is a grace filled choice. Of course, that’s the noun meaning, yes? Here’s the verb. Regardless of your beliefs, in the western world, history has shown we can bring honour to our race during this season. We have embraced the enemy, we’ve fed the hungry, and we’ve gifted the poor – for a day. I’d like to suggest the real honour comes in the chance for us to carry on with those feelings of good will, charity, and kindness 364 more days. That might just bring a whole lotta grace to the whole world. It is worth a try.

Until tomorrow…