Aching head…

imageDifficult day today and my words are all jumbled in my head. Wayne Dyer, Oliver Sachs, and other light beings are departing this plain. Spirit led teachers who stayed their course and contributed greatly seem to be leaving us to our own devices.

Finding out about them only made me feel worse. I’m feeling lost, sick, and scared out of my skin about an uncertain future, again. Felt confident yesterday. Of course, all I hear in my head is that I’ve not stayed the course or contributed. And it is true. I’ve not planned, squandering talents and money until there’s little of either left. My head hurts with it all. But what can I do? What do I need to do to change these feelings? Well, I do need some help, for sure. But I’ve asked for help, so it is on the way.

The rest I have to surrender to for tonight. Feeding these feelings is not healthy, so I’m not going to talk about them further.

My wish is for courage and second chances. Sometimes we just need to believe we’re strong enough to get by, and that when we do we will have learned what we needed to learn. With a second chance comes a surge of energy. We must use it wisely. Do-overs are divine blessings. If you get one, be very, very grateful.

Feeling grateful until tomorrow…

Was Perry A Magician? Maybe.

StarsI’ll apologize at the start of this blog because I’m a bit empty this evening, my words squandered on several other projects today. My mind is full of the memory of those words and phrases, but they are not the stuff of my blog. Well, not the usual stuff of my blog, and most certainly, not what I feel inclined to write about tonight.

No. Tonight its about wishes. Pure and simple. Oh, and stars and dreams that you wish will come true. There’s that word again. Guess there’s always room for wishes, yes? Let’s just talk about them then, shall we? Oh and toss in a soupcon of magic. The fullness of the moon has inspired that, methinks.

My dad and mom loved a crooner named Perry Como. I never met him, or saw him live, but they did and I’ve the picture to prove it, which is what has me thinking about him these days. I saw that picture when getting boxes organized for my move last week. Also, I’m trying to come up with an appropriate name for a Facebook page about wishes – one that a million others do not already have. Mr. C. sang a song called “If Wishes Were Kisses”, you see, and like that. A lot. But there’s much more to him than meets the eye, just as there is to my getting acquainted with him again after all these years. There’s some magic in it. I’m sure of it.

Of course, I’ve no idea what all the recollections are about yet. Fooled you, didn’t I? You thought I was going to seamlessly weave a story of wishes and magic and Perry Como songs, yeah? No. Not yet, anywho. All I can say right now is that he sings of dreaming, of rainbows, of catching falling stars, and of love. On this shiny night, I can only add magic to that list, then plant a kiss on it for all of you, and me, too.

Kisses are good. Until tomorrow…

Wishes do…

Wishes Do you ever have one of those days when you just know you’re actually a super hero? You’ve gotten up on the right side of the bed to greet the morning with zest (not the soap), breakfast tickles your taste buds and, you’re smiling unprompted. When you head out to work or run errands it is with unparalleled zeal. There’s nothing mundane in your world today. You’re floating in your very own event horizon!

Of course, you’ve guessed this was my day. And goodness, what fun! My mind buzzed with creative thoughts and eloquent phrases I couldn’t wait to articulate to the page. There were moments of clarity, too, epiphanal really, and I simply felt okay. But not the bland kind of okay, rather the calm, peaceful, happy kind of okay.

I didn’t manage to start writing until a bit ago, though, so some of those most brilliant of lines, woven lovingly in my head, won’t make it to the computer’s loom tonight. But, I recall vividly the sub-text and am quite sure the ideas will still be accessible tomorrow.

A wee taster of the overall theme might be in order, but I find I cannot write well late in the day. Ah-ha, and I prepare my blog late in the day! But the blog, you see, is drawn from a different place and essentially writes itself. Right, and so now you’re thinking, wouldn’t you want to write everything this way? Ofbloodycourse!! And eventually I will. As I flex my writing muscles more and more, the better and more fluid the work will be. It is exactly like yoga. The more you do, the more you can do.

Before wishes tonight, I will say this: (it’s ‘write’ this actually, but that just sounds so stuffy, yeah?) sugar is not good for me. Remember I wrote last night about giving up a treat? Well, tonight, after picking up my passport – can you believe it’s here already? – I picked up a small Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut bar. I know! I’m scolding myself this very minute. Anywho, my fuzzy head is the result of the sugar. A little is fine, but it must be only a little and balanced with other foods like proteins. Good reminder.

Wishes come true when productivity accompanies them. Wishes also come true when the expectation is that they will. Keep moving in the direction of the wish. Believe the wish will come true. Be specific. Be sincere. And be watchful. Sometimes our wishes are granted and we don’t even see them before us.

Looking all around me, until tomorrow…

Even a good farewell can be tough…

Food smileMost of us have habits we should swap for more productive ones. On this 365 re-do I’m looking at behaviours ad nauseam. But I mentioned that last night. Anywho, today I was forced to look carefully at a relatively new practice I’ve adopted that is not a good one. Since it is new, I’m sure it will be easy enough to switch, as in I’m not likely to go into serious withdrawal, but I am sad. Parting can be such a sweet sorrow even when it’s a good choice, yeah?

SO, bye bye DQ Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard. You’ve given me sublime gastronomical pleasure and my palate will miss your cold, creamy sweetness. My tongue will always relish the memory of your chewy and oh so aptly named bits of fudgy brownie, while my teeth will remember with unfettered fondness your cruncy pecans. True, I savour dipping the bright red, long handled plastic spoon into your colourful paper cup knowing the joy that will come with the first bite of your chocolatey goodness. Oh tragedy! You have become an addiction. I must stop now! You are adding an unwanted addition to my middle parts. I call her Stella. She grows bigger by the day and if I’m to get rid of Stella, I have to say adios to you immediately.

I’m bereft. Still I must go on. After all, there’s Stella to deal with. Perhaps once she is gone I can visit Blizzard again, but best not to think about that now.

So here’s wishing for moderation and humour, for often when we find we’ve fallen out of balance yet again, the best thing we can do is have a laugh at ourselves and start over in the morning.

Laughing until tomorrow…

Let’s imagine…

WordsSo, tonight I feel the need to address my re-doing so far. I used the expression in the title of yesterday’s blog which, made me realize I might be – uh – wandering a bit? I mean, not really, because everything I write is heartfelt and stream of consciousness. As a result, a lesson pour moi turns up almost daily as a result of putting thoughts into words. But I have to tell ya’ll, accounting for myself daily is a spectacular change for me. Still, I’m happy I’ve bit off this task and equally happy with insights gained so far.

Because I know I’m going to write something every night before or after meditation, I pay attention to my thoughts and personal interactions with more scrutiny than might be healthy. I think I’ve always paid attention, but it was different because there was no tangible accountability. Now, I listen more carefully to the words I use. The result of that practice is that I’m actually catching myself and able to alter negative speak to positive. Not always, certainly, but I’m aware. That’s a critical first step!

For example, I plan on eliminating the phrase “At my age.” There is an inherent implication of negativity when you toss that into the conversation. And since positive statements take more imagination to write, I’m pleased as punch to flesh out new ways to write and speak and think. It means my mind has to get into the game to find how to flip old, tired, and diminishing speech.

Of course, things others say resonate more poignantly. When I hear “but” and “cannot”, “if” and “how” and “it is his/her/my mother’s fault”, it becomes a reminder of the task I have before me. These words and turns of phrase are insidious, deeply embedded into not just our language, but our psyches. Changing them is an onerous task. But I believe I’m seeing glimpses of light and have decided to keep walking toward it. It simply feels right.

And with that, I’ll offer a wish that from this day forward, only positive affirmations pass our lips. Positiveness can purify our thoughts. Our thoughts become our actions. When positive thoughts and actions marry, we transform, our sub-conscious effecting even more profound changes in mind and body than consciously imagined. It’s something to strive for, look forward too. And it is doable. In point of fact, it’s done.

Positively positive until tomorrow…

Re-doing Energy

IMG_0182Holding in excitement is something I’m better at now than I used to be. Oh, familiar bubbles of anticipation suddenly appear and float around inside, but they don’t spill out or prevent me from getting on with things. Maybe they should, though.

I remember well my mother’s preference for her lazyboy and knitting needles to a ride into town, or a walk around the neighbourhood. Age plays into it, or so we are encouraged to think, but I believe it has more to do with a collection of dis-es and un-s.

When we become disinterested, unproductive, discouraged or uncaring, it likely has more to do with low level depression triggered by a lifetime of perceived failures. Regret is draining! Discouragement leads to disillusionment and so on. But these are all perceptions, and in the end, we control how we respond.

I was invigorated today after receiving a message. It made me hyper aware that I seemed to suddenly have more energy. But how do we find energy? An answer to that question leads me to my wish.

Tonight it’s all about energy…but only the good kind. Energy comes in different forms and as Einstein said, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” And it can be transferred and transformed between one another. So if my energy supports negative thinking, sadness, disappointments and a belief in lack, it can support positive thoughts, joy, and a belief that I’m swimming in abundance. Period.

Energetically until tomorrow…

The Whole Picture

Mona LisaOn days when I’m overwhelmed with fears, regrets, or worries, I can usually remind myself to breathe seconds before I crawl out of my skin. Walking helps, keeping busy a blessing. I ask myself if I’m “okay in this moment” and I can’t ever recall a time when I answered, “no”. Sooner usually rather than later, the explosive tension in my chest is diffused. I’m intact and life goes on.

There was a time I wasn’t sure which came first, but am now convinced the depression did. I think the anxieties resulted from a mind seeing only fragments of pictures. It’s a challenge to behave properly, learn well, when you’ve not the whole picture. While others gazed lovingly at the entire Mona Lisa, my eyes hone in on the odd perspective of the landscape, for example. When you walk through day to day life that way, you remain horribly (wonderfully) out of step with what most consider normal. Obviously you want to smile at her almond eyes and marvel at her ridiculously unlined hands, but you can’t get past that strange path behind her. You only see what is different. When deep in its grasp you know full well there is a beautiful, preciously glorious world out there, but your depressed mind locks your vision on oddness and differences, and promises only an out of sync landscape even if your gaze breaks away.

I remember being grateful many times, even when deeply ill. I liked the insights that came during those desert days. And, I remain grateful for having survived. The pain I caused others, I’ve yet to reconcile completely, but I continue to try. It begins with forgiving myself, and breaking free of a limited vision.

And wishes can make it so. Without them we will never see change. Of course there’s all kinds of stuff wrong in this world, but we need to look for what’s right and build from that. When depressed it’s impossible to snap a finger and have it gone, but bit by bit, breathe by breathe, moment by moment, believing it is gone means the whole picture might come into view. No more zeroing in on a fragment.

Dreaming of the whole Mona Lisa until tomorrow…

Sailing…

With sailsAs soon as I stepped on the gangplank a smile crossed my face. I love boating and sailing aboard a tall ship has been a dream. Being among the first to board meant staking claim to a prime spot, though, I noticed later there was no bad spot.

The sun was shining and a soft breeze, blowing. The harbour’s blue water tossed scores of boats of all shapes and sizes. They moved by motor and wind. It was heavenly. Setting off meant a chance to help hoist the sails but I gave that over to a bunch of eager kids. If memory served, it’s hard work. And, we were off.

I was the guest of dear old friends today who were celebrating a family birthday by sailing Toronto’s harbour. I am so grateful for the invitation to join them. It was a glorious day and one that reminded me of something. Being with loved ones, positive and supportive people, is wonderful and I need more of these kinds of experiences. The last time I did anything similar was Christmas. That’s way too long ago.

At one point on the car ride up, my friend and I were talking about my move and she suggested something good. I will consider it, but more importantly, her suggestion highlighted what I’ve written about as recently as yesterday (?) about alternative ideas. I’m uncomfortable, fearful even, about sharing my plans. That means I might not always make the best decision because there could be an idea out there I’ve never even considered. I’d asked for help in this area. It has begun.

There was one itsy bitsy downside. A snapshot was taken of me sitting and I saw it. Sigh. I’ve decided to call the lovely bulge around my waist, Stella. She and I are going to work conscientiously to find her a new home.

Life is magical isn’t it?

My wish is for more unfettered communication. Now, I do not mean rash, or thoughtless, which might seem a bit contradictory. But unabashedly open dialogue should not attack. Oh, ideologies can withstand some rough housing, but personal attacks are not acceptable. That becomes gossip, and gossip is destructive. Eckhart Tolle teaches about the “positive no”, and His Holiness, that we choose kind, always. If we add those elements into the mix, our conversations will be fun, constructive, and create a safe and welcoming space where thoughts, plans, ideas, and goals flourish.

Chatting kindly to Isabella until tomorrow…

Deciding… Maybe

LucidSecond guessing is normal, I suppose. It’s not a good thing, though, especially done after the fact. So, of course, I’m doing it. After all this shifting of goods and trying to figure out the “what’s next” steps, I’m suddenly not sure. Why? Why are decisions such a problem for me?

One reason is that I wander unchaperoned in my head all the time. Oh sure, I talk about plans and ideas to others, but only in fragments and always with a degree of reluctance. Those are fear based reactions. I’m afraid I’ll be misunderstood, told I’m nuts, or both and, therefore, I don’t know how to discuss things, have constructive, helpful dialogues. The result being big decisions take me forever to make and can be, have been, somewhat disastrous even when deciding for something I really want. Why? Because I’ve not thought the plan through and while I’m all for spontaneity, living by the seat of one’s pants is not the best for the long term. At least I should set out a goal!

All that written, I made a big choice to ship everything away leaving me with nothing here. Thing is, it’s done. When I decided to do it, in the moment, it felt right. I need to go back to that feeling and stay there. I had my reasons. Another important thing is that my stuff is, after all, stuff. I’ve not seen it or used it for almost two years. And while I’d like to have a home of my own again sooner rather than later, it’s not a top priority for me. Getting settled somewhere, is. Hmm. Don’t the two go hand in glove? Yes and no for me. But what’s next?

Next steps are deciding how to support myself and stay mobile. Easier said than done but not impossible. It will require self-promotion and some dedication to task. Not strong suits. Also, a game plan is needed and for that I need advice and guidance. There, I’ve put it out there. Universe, do your thang!

And that’s all I can muster tonight. If I attempt to dissect my life further at this point, I’ll only end up a confused mess. Sigh. Fini.

And so my wish is for the strength to stay in the moment and trust that responding from the gut will always be the right choice. I don’t know when I started to suffer from analysis paralysis. Once upon a time I’d just dive in! But I do recall being persuaded to look at planning as a better alternative overall. I just wasn’t supposed to stay in the plans phase. Anywho, I’ve lived long enough to know that standing still gets you nowhere in a hurry and just because I’ve not got a huge tribe to help me with decisions, I’ve a good mind. Mistakes aren’t fun for anybody, but doing nothing isn’t an option. So here’s to trusting that a faithful heart will never lead you astray.

No third guesses.

Until tomorrow…

His Name Is Jock…

ElphieI posted a sly joke today on my Facebook page that nobody got. Best work on my written delivery. Or maybe my peeps are not into witticisms. I, for sure, don’t always clue in to subtleties though hold in great esteem those who do. Maybe I’ll try again soon. It’s good practice.

So I’ve not updated you in awhile on how things are going. You know I’ve packed up a lot of my goods and shipped them to the UK as of yesterday. Because the truck ended up having room in it, I took advantage of the chance to move it abroad. A very few items will be sent west meaning I’ve virtually nothing to set up a home in BC now, though. Pots and pans, couches and chairs, lamps and linens went a-sailing. My reasoning is pretty sound, however.

My goods have been in storage for almost two years and likewise, would go into storage out west. Since I’ve no idea how long it will take to find employment, I’ve no idea how long it will take to find and afford a place of my own. A lot of the stuff will go to my UK daughter’s house and since I’m expected to stay with her when there, it made sense to me at the time.

And now suddenly, after writing it all out, I’m not feeling as comfortable with ANYTHING. But it’s done. Ta da! I’m going to go with my gut. Arghhhh. Let’s change the subject, okay?

My food intake is quite excellent these days. I’m still cringe-gulping apple cider vinegar first thing in the morning. The follow-up honey is nice. It might be just that since it is recommended for joints, or the raw turmeric I’m adding to my breakfast shake, keeping me limber and pain free. Oh, and yoga. Whatever the case, my body is moving more fluidly than ever. I still faithfully take my B complex with maca, 100 milligrams of 5 HTP, and 1000+ milligrams of D. I’ve stopped the vegan DHA until I get a cholesterol test, or until I feel inclined to start them again. My weight is down a few pounds but nothing to take to the bank so I’ll just report it as holding steady. I’ve not had any alcohol for weeks and with each day, the desire remains as strong as ever to leave it off my menu.

Meditation is still my joy. My pillow beckons and I leap to meet it. I know I’ve written this before, but if you don’t do it, please, please, please, try it. It builds a house of desire inside you. It is a hand reaching for you, a light in the dark night. Enough. But, try it. Please.

As for blocks and any issues I’ve brought up previously, all the work continues. There are moments of illumination and clarity and seconds of doubt and fear. But less and less I feel swallowed up. I continue to reach out and ask for help. I’m, step by step, facing my big financial block. With the help of gurus who advise wisely, I’m confident I’ll reduce that block to dust. It is deeply rooted, but I’m persistent. I CAN. That’s it. CAN.

Interestingly, tonight I want to keep on writing. That’s awesome. Seriously. Awe. Some. I won’t, of course, not here anywho, but it’s a wonderful feeling. Muse is close by. Perhaps a page or two for the book is in order. Ah, yes.

My wish tonight comes from a news item. It is a story of cross-species helping hands, or in this case, trunks. It’s the true tale of a traveller named Adrian who while logging his journey on board an elephant, drops his selfie-stick encased camera. Drat! Without missing a beat, the oh-so-helpful and incredibly savvy pachyderm picks up the camera, then swings his trunk up delivering the device safely into the hands of the astonished rider. Voila! My wish? Let’s always believe in magic, the impossible, and the improbable. Let us believe in mystery. Let us treat all beings as we would want to be treated. Let us treat ALL BEINGS as WE would want to be treated. As Jock deserves to be treated.

Believing until tomorrow…