I went to the bank today – I deal with two and have been to one – to do the name change thingy. The lovely woman taking care of me and I had a great chat about chasing dreams and going where the heart leads. It was invigorating and just what I needed. So much gratitude. Before that I was thinking about ruts.
It’s easy to fall into ruts. They’re everybloodwhere. How do I avoid falling headlong into one? That was a question I asked myself today. Funny, because if I’m honest, I’ve been in and out of ruts for way long. Thing is though, only if I believe that. The real big rut I’ve been facing lately is the rut of “how”.
Asking “how” is a pain. Of course I don’t mean the standard question of, excuse me, how do I get to… or how do I put this together? Nah, I mean the how spawned from doubt. When your dreams, your goals are laid out in front of you and your head says, “How is that gonna happen?”
Mike Dooley calls them cursed. He tells us the universe only responds to positive and nothing that questions our plans is ever positive. Good point. SO, in other words, I don’t need to know, how, I just need to determine clearly and sincerely what I want. Narrow it down. Be specific, put it out there and then, let it go.
I write all around this topic a lot, don’t I? It’s because I’m reminding myself, giving my head that shove it needs to get back on track. Good one, FS!
So I’m gonna turn a cursed how into the gloriously kind adverb it wants to be. How sweet is that? (See what I did there? No? Hint: Antonyms for cursed are kind or sweet. Hehe.)
Before I end tonight, here’s an update. I’m still moving as in getting going, down dogging, planking etc., but not enough. Stretching today was scary so I need to move more. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga! Sigh. But, I’m loving all the writing. My brain’s in the groove treating me to phrases with words like dalliance, and infinitesimal. I have set “thesaurus” as my default page. But it’s a good thing that!! Honestly.
So my wish is for faith. Have faith in what you know to be good, and right for you. Stay in that place and when you see the ruts, smile a great big toothy smile, run at it and take a leap. Hurray, you’ve chosen the best way. And with faith that all will be well, it will be.
Faithfully yours until tomorrow…
A friend, or more precisely an acquaintance I feel a kinship to, is frightened and doubting her health. Because of this inexplicable bond, I believe I understand how she processes information and find I am moved by her fear. She’s been ill so there’s a disturbing and frightening memory residing in her head. I’ve a desire to help her eradicate the fear, and remove any doubt that she is anything but well because I know she wants that, and believes that. Possible? Of course.
Readers know I’m not a supporter of worry. We all fall into the trap on occasion, being human and all, but the trick is to not hold on. We’ve gotta let go of that monkey mind stuff. Doubt is like that, too. The “what if” scenario is powerful. Remember, we manifest what we believe, what we feel, and what we think about. So, while I can’t help her delve deep into her psyche and have “those” chats, I can learn more about myself and how I cope with doubt and fear. As I strengthen my resolve moving steadily toward trust, I raise my vibration. In so doing, any energy I’m able to send her by way of support, is stronger. Make sense?
I’m an empath. Ever in tune with energies around me, some days can be exhausting. Grounding practices learned early on through meditation and ritual helped me get through more than one messy time. But I did not have in my circle, resourceful, trustworthy guides or teachers. I suppose I surrendered along the way, feeling that developing strengths given sensitive types was not my lot. But, as we know, things change and now many of the gifts that lay dormant for decades are wakening in me. Hurrah!
So when I “feel” the fear and doubt of another, I do indeed feel it in my blood. But unlike a times when another’s sorrow broke me, now I can truly empathize without falling apart. Further, rather than shaking my head and bemoaning the misery and hopelessness of life, I sense a call from a voice asking that we hold firm, believe, trust ourselves, love ourselves deeply and truly, and commit to taking the necessary steps toward healing. Even in the worst case scenarios!
So tonight my wish is for ease. Aligning ourselves with new practices that bring radical change are daunting to say the least. We must take our time, allow for slippages, and adopt patience. I’ve heard it’s a virtue! We must rely on the strength of others when we are not strong, trusting that in that moment, our vulnerability is exactly the feeling we are supposed to be feeling. (The tables will turn and we will repay the kindness.) In the meantime, shake the hand of fear then say adieu. Look doubt in the eye and say goodbye. None of us need those emotions except to remind us that we do not need them. See, easy peasy.
Easing into tomorrow…
Oh my gosh. Sooo, it worked. At least for today. I went to bed at a reasonable time (close to midnight, but better than I’ve been doing) and got up at 6:30 AM. Took my honey and vinegar, showered, did about 20 minutes of yoga and the same for meditation. Thought I could get some research writing done, but opted out of that. Was early for work, felt alert enough (I stand most of the 3-4 hours I’m there) then headed to my spot at Starbucks to work on my report AND I’m still going. Just sent off the first draft. Of course, I need to meditate and still get to bed very soon, but I’m on a roll!
Food consumption is also wonderfully sane and there’s been no alcohol for a bit now. Often, when I have a busy day, my mood – is that sugar? – changes and cravings hit about 5ish. That’s not been happening at all which means I want to keep doing whatever I’ve been doing because it’s working. I just need to get back to a more “moving” routine. Whew. I will report in tomorrow about this.
So, it’s off to the cushion and then bed.
My wish is for calm. It’s too easy to fall into anxious thinking. We worry, we fret, we stew and in point of fact, what good is it? Are we okay in the moment? Probably. Do we have a plan, a direction to take to resolve the stuff floating around in our heads? If not, make one, then put it aside until it can be implemented. Lastly, trust that if you’re doing what you can, or have done what you need to do, all will be okay. Life is, after all, going to unfold. We can be either pro-active or reactive. Worry and ANY negative thinking only stops the flow of good and the feeling of calm.
Chillaxin’ until tomorrow…
I’ve been writing and researching all day so am sort of dried up at this point. In spite of a good morning, because my sleeping pattern is nuts and I’ve not been moving much, I tend to be overly stiff. My downward facing dog was more like downward bark today. Still, I needed to find inspiration and I did. With a Tuesday delivery date on my first major project, I need to be almost finished the report, and I am. There are two more to be done, though, so it’s important to keep the momentum.
I need more exercise. I decided that yesterday, actually. I tire too easily and am way too fuzzy all day. Experience tells me it’s from too much sitting. So, as I mentioned above, I’m stiff from the lack of moving, so best I change that. Always something that needs doing, yeah? But it’s important to get moving especially because this low-level funk is persistent and therefore, desire is dulled. Exercise, breathing, and getting my heart pumping, will definitely help.
My Joy-filled friend who advised me about my name change, more than once cautioned me about the power of the number 10. It’s an instant manifestation number. For the moniker to work for me, I must remain focussed on the positive. At this stage of life, it’s a great test of my determination. I do believe. I trust. I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Everything is exactly as it is supposed to be in this exact moment. Woot!
And with that, I’ll get ready to sign off.
My wish tonight is for magic. Sure, even the card trick kind of stuff is fun, but I’m thinking more about the magic that serendipitously arrives, washes over you, when you least expect it. It’s the pay-it-forward at the drive through when getting your morning coffee. It’s the smell of flowers after a rain. It’s a job offer just when you thought you wouldn’t be able to pay the rent. It’s knowing you’re dreams will come true when you’ve no idea how. And on, and on, and on. Magic is always happening as long as you believe.
Waving my wand until tomorrow…
What I meant, but failed to express clearly, was that this blog isn’t about rehashing shit, pointing fingers, or extolling the imagined virtues of a bygone day. Rather it’s meant to be a beacon of encouragement, one I endeavour to shine so I can see in the dark.
When I write of my past, those experiences from another time, it is as a storyteller, as a writer giving context and a pinch of flavour to a tale. Or, it might be so that I can figure something out like why I behave a certain way, for example. But I want to make something clear; I do not live there. To do that would cheapen the gift of life. I am alive, breathing, apt, and able. Living fully now means to be creating my past in this moment, not paying homage to a time that is gone.
I also want to let you know that I seldom re-read the blogs I write, or watch the vlogs. True to the nature of a quick, end of day reporting not unlike a journal entry, I write, edit once, and post. On the rare occasion that my gut calls me to reread, I do so, of course. This, however is the first time I have commented on one. I fear if I looked at them closely, I’d have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.
My wish tonight is for perseverance. Just show up. I mean what can happen? Nothing at all if you don’t put in an appearance. As a friend reminded me recently, carpe diem.
And with that, I’ll toddle off to temporarily walk the hills of Devon, in my imagination. I do love period movies.
So it is far from the madding crowds I’ll be till tomorrow…
Right. It’s not that simple. AT ALL, but faith, trust, and not giving in to the very convincing nature of a mind motivated by depression, is key.
I just had an idea. I KNOW, amazing, yes? It’s not really that kind of idea, though. It’s more like I need to tell ya’ll something.
I need to re-write the About page. I will do that later. It’s just not clear enough. I also need to elaborate again on why I’m doing this Re-do 365. That’s as much for me as you. By the way, we’re closing in on 120 days! And last, I need to explain a bit more about the title of the blog. So, here goes. I’ll start with the title of the blog tonight. That might be enough for one post.
The title of the blog was meant to suggest transition, transformation, and change, and all the stuff that happens along the way as the tagline notes. It is about the dream dreamed by the dreamer to travel to enlightenment.
I’m neither on, nor have I ever been on, Prozac. At least, I don’t think I have. I have taken prescribed anti-depressant medications and am thankful they were there to be had. At this point, however, I am not using any pharma to get through my day. I am thankful for that, too.
When I write about issues arising from depression, I know of what I write. Diagnosed as a very young child, over the years, I have had several minor episodes and a few major episodes resulting in hospitalization, but no accompanying psychoses, ever. That all written, I do not consider myself a depressive, either chronic, clinical, or bi-polar. I have experienced these illnesses but they do not define me, nor do they run my life. Early on I established unhealthy habits based on the influence of disease. With patience and diligence, trial and error, I’ve overcome many of these unhelpful behaviours, and continue to do so. I believe we all can do this. It just takes a certain amount of introspection, honesty, and a desire to live a happy, joy-filled life.
My posts for Re-do 365 talk about my day to day, but at the core are meant to be about hope, believing the impossible is possible. They are not about labelling, holding on to drama, or the past. Rather my reflections are about my efforts to break free of blocks and behaviours that hold me hostage. By facing my demons, I turn them into angels.
Okay, that’s enough for now. In closing, my wish is for kindness. We are always in control of our behaviour. It’s never about anyone else’s words or attitude. If you want to be kind, then be kind. No agenda, no payback expected. Be. Kind.
Kindly saying ‘night ‘night, till tomorrow…
It took me a while to pull it together this morning. I woke up heavy…no other word to describe it… no rational explanation for it. It’s a draping of mind and body with a cloak of shame. (Oh that it were one of invisibility!) It comes out of the blue. It’s dense. My head hurts, my stomach churns. It is what it is, though, and best to simply try to get on because it might go away as seamlessly as it appears. If not, I hang with it, get cosy with it acknowledging it without allowing it to drag me into the pit it’s beckoning me toward.
In spite of the super blahs, I manage my lemony smoothie avec supplements and drag myself into the shower. I put on clothing suitable enough for public consumption and plan to head to a fav coffee shop to work. I stop at a license bureau along the way so I can change the name on my driver’s license and car registration, first. Furthering Frances, I’m calling this process. There’s a lot of stuff with your name on it! Anywho, catastrophe is averted at the cost of $80 when I learn my DL’s expired. Whew.
Back in the car, legal to drive now, I head to the aforementioned coffee shop which is a Starbucks. Apologies. We’ve not a plethora of spots in London that supply what I need – steady Wi-Fi and a table near an electrical outlet. They do. Enough said.
Happily, there’s some choice seating when I arrive. I get an Americano and sit. Soon, my head phones are blasting Pet Sounds and the research progresses smoothly until Sloop John B comes on. Goodness, the feelings bubbling up! I’d no sooner regained some composure – remember, I’m in a public place – when the next song hits me like a tsunami. I’m a goner.
What the fuck is going on with me these days? I’m like some frail, vulnerable waif, totally and irrevocably at the whim and fancy of emotions from her past! Crapola time people. Mucho crapola. And as the song implies, God Only Knows, why.
I do know that all I can do is ride this out just as I’ve ridden any and all episodes to date. Truly, there is a learning in every experience and each down means there’ll come an up. Hurrah. So for now, I’ll simply accept the emotion with as much dignity as I can muster and trust that all will be well…at some point.
So, my wish tonight is for grace. There’s plenty of it always available but it’s something you usually ask for. It might be a subconscious, deeply covert even, act of asking, but nonetheless it is bestowed via the request. We were taught way back when that grace came only as a gift from that omnipotent source of all life. Since I believe now that grace is a universal miracle freely available and hoping to be used, I’m evoking the memory of its many visits, and letting the feeling of goodwill wash over me. Perhaps it will help lift the funk. If not, it will keep me going strong for at least one more day.
Beseechingly, till tomorrow…
The other day I listened in (not eavesdropping, but was a third party in a small space) to a conversation two moms were having about responsibility, being accountable, consequences. As you who are reading along know, these topics are close to my heart, so my ears perked up and I learned that while on a group excursion one of the mom’s tykes decided to lift a souvenir. Needless to say, he was ratted out and all hell broke loose. Hence the discussion.
I felt for the mom who had to cope with the news. She was clearly in a wrestling match with myriad feelings, the least of which was shame. But I could also see she was moving beyond it all, and falling back into ‘like’ with her kid again because, well, because that’s what parents do, not to mention that in the grand scheme this misdemeanor really isn’t a big deal. Caught and punished, the perp will decide whether a life a crime is worth it now that he’s a benchmark. I’d love a crystal ball to find out if he ever decides on a five-finger discount again. But I’m not making my point.
While I get the injured mom, the other mom, not so much. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not judging her values, but rather, mine. The other mom was determined to see punishment doled out with a heaviness of hand that still gives me shivers. There was little room for leniency. As I say, though, her response got me to questioning myself. Do I not have a moral compass at all?
Without being specific for fear of blowing my cover in the witness protection program (kidding), my life fits the adage, “There but for the grace of God…” I’ll go one step further and suggest that we all live in glass houses, yeah? Still, the discussion has me taking a look at myself from a slightly different angle.
Is there capital M moral and small m, moral? And where does retribution fit in?
I’m solipsistic. In other words, I think my own code correct regardless. It does not mean I’m not moral. On the contrary. But I don’t sweat the small stuff. And no, I do not believe that the occasional slippage means you’ll end up killing someone. However, if you decide to cheat a pensioner out of her last pennies, expect a big blot on your karma scorecard.
I’m not big on punishment at the best of times. Weakness? Perhaps. But I believe in the theory expressed in karmic philosophy and also that a guilty conscience is more destructive than any jail. Oh sure, there are tons of psychopaths skulking around, but I’ll let karma deal with them, too.
I sure don’t always behave appropriately, but am almost always willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. While I don’t always forgive myself readily, it’s easy for me to forgive others. I might not forget and go on to use a juicy experience as fodder for one story or another, but I forgive, always. That attitude stems from being misjudged and misaligned most of my life, I think. I really do not want others to hurt as I have.
So then, back to the question of Moral or moral. For certain, I’ve no doubt, I’m Moral. I strive to love, to give and receive it (working on both), and feel compassion for all believing that we are all one anywho. Ah, now the crux. I might not be moral. At least not in or through the eyes of another. And that’s where it does not matter – at all. For I dance to the drum beat that makes music for me, just as others must sway along to their own beats.
And with that, I wish for a compass that directs us always back home to our heart’s desire. There we cannot go wrong, do any injustice, ever hurt ourselves or another. When we breathe each breath to the beat of a heart that’s in love simply because it knows nothing else, we are incorruptible. Morally speaking that is. Ah ha!