Doing what’s best…

  Making a hard decision, and acting on it is, well, hard. Even when it’s the right thing, parts of it can feel wrong. What’s that all about? It might come down to expectations (both others and your own). It may be you don’t believe you can make decisions for yourself without damaging planetary alignment. Or, maybe you’re just too thin skinned. Goodness, I dislike that turn of phrase. 

My father told me I was that – thin skinned. He said it would be a good idea to toughen up. He meant well, figuring I’d get hurt, or be easily misunderstood. He was correct on both counts. I resisted toughening up, preferring my empathetic and passionate responses to the stoic ones I saw from the adults around me. I resisted a lot of good advice, actually. I know now that toughening up properly would have brought me better balance, and raised my emotional quotient by several points. I also know what you resist, persists. In order for me to grow into a confident and capable adult, I needed to manage my emotions rather than being slave to them. By the time I figured that out, however, I was deep into adulthood.

Obviously, I’ve learned how to behave accordingly for the most part, but sometimes I slip up by taking on more than I can handle, or making promises I can’t keep. Then I run from confrontation because who likes confronting anyone! Plus I do not like to let people down, even when it’s hurting me. The good thing is, I don’t drag messes out as long as I once did, though, and try to make amends even if poorly. Not always easy.

So wishing everyone lots of self awareness. As we practice our meditation, we deepen our awareness. What becomes clear is how ‘hard’ isn’t where we are meant to be. If we are there, we’ve created it. Are we happy being in that hard place? Do we feel good? If no is the answer, the good news is, we can uncreate it. We can turn the hard to easy. It may take practice but the results will encourage us to keep practicing. And the hard will get easier. 

Until tomorrow…

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Say again?

PeaceI listened again today and learned more about my own behaviour. Afterwards, I came away with a nagging question. How do I engage in conversation and not add fuel to victim narratives by association? Tough one. When I started this re-do, one goal was to become more attuned to language that is negative. I’ve heard a lot of it lately, but chimed in knowing full well I was complicit. Ugh. The good thing, however, is that I knew full well I was complicit.

One thing I’ve found, or rather am finding out, is that speaking ill of anyone makes me feel bad. It should. When I trash talk someone else, I’m trashing myself. Since we’re extensions of the other, as in all one, everything we see in another is part of our own journey, our essence in fact. When others get under our skins, upset us, even hurt us, we are choosing that experience. Often times we get angry because we are resisting a teaching. We don’t like to be shown our dark side. And who likes to change? Other times we’re noticing what we’ve left behind. We notice in others’ behaviour something we’ve successfully altered. These moments should make us happy, but don’t get cocky. Arrogance is not attractive. Neither is false pride. Plus, realizing you’ve changed could mean you have to move on.

I’ve been moving on my whole life but not always for the right reasons. It is with confidence and a grateful heart I can say I’m no longer running from anything. How delightful it feels, too. Of course, I might still have moving on to do, but that’s a normal and natural progression in life. Well, it should be.

So my wish tonight is for graceful ease when change is needed. We sometimes become addicted to chaos and drama, unaware we are creating it. When we become aware of the fact, however, that we are writing our own story, both the good and not so good parts, we owe it to ourselves and others to take responsibility and try to drop the histrionics. And we will as we become more aware. Awareness demands it. Are you listening?

Until tomorrow…

Only nice words…

StrengthHave you ever been faced with a difficult situation that moved you rather surprisingly, showing you something about yourself you did not know? I’m pretty sure it’s happened to me a lot, but today’s event was out of the ordinary. It’s left me sad but more aware. How’s that possible? Here’s the drift.

Listening has become important to me. Oh, I still talk too much, but am becoming a better listener with practice. You can learn a lot more from listening, especially when there seems a challenge or three. It’s the only way I can stay present and positive, and it helps me figure out the right questions to ask if and when the time is right. Today, however, what I heard broke my heart.

Speaking down about others is a bad habit. When your words are chosen to cast dispersions or lay blame, they hang in the air like a viscous ooze. I am guilty of speaking like that. Hearing it today from someone else made me realize how much damage it does. It’s low, very low.

In another post I wrote about blame culture. Today I felt it. It’s not nice, but I’m not sure how to change it. Can it be changed at all? Of course, I can change my attitude and perspective. And, I can chose to remove myself. One thing I did was forgive myself for my own past behaviour. That’s the thing about noticing things, anything really, it’s a reflection of sorts, a chance to see something about our own lives. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worthwhile.

My wish tonight is for the strength to stand up for what is right – always. When we see others as an obstacle, the reason we aren’t doing something, going someplace, making enough, being happy, and so on and so on, it keeps us from the real work. The real work is us. Not them. Us. So what is right is forgiving ourselves so we can forgive others, loving ourselves so we can love others. But it can be a hard slog, hence strength. And the funny thing, the more you do what is right, the stronger you become. Let’s start lifting those weights, okay?

Until tomorrow…

 

 

 

 

Breathing with the wind…

BreatheI’m going to talk more about that bloody massage. A thousand apologies, but I can’t think of too many experiences to rival it. Hard to believe how getting rattled and rolled, bent and poked, can do anything, actually, but I’m convinced it has helped me immensely.

My breathing is better. Breathing properly helps with many things of course. Pranayama, the practice wherein one controls the breath, or vital life force, is an exquisite discipline. Even though I work at this, I had begun unconsciously gasping. I sigh a lot, and that’s fine. Gasping for air is not. Can’t stay well-grounded breathing like that.

My cravings are still at bay, too. Such a relief to eat warm stews of root vegetables with a hint of spice, good oils, and lots of colour. I’m so satisfied. Quite miraculous. It makes me think of my pregnant girl hoping she’s able to enjoy food, keep it down.

Speaking of my daughter, she’s a better woman than I am. She’s managed to keep working, plan things, and find the supports she needs. It’s such an emotional time, isn’t it? All of sudden, in a nanosecond, you are nurturing a life. A philosophy professor once said we human beings are less logical than we believe. His reason? No logical person would choose to have a child. He had three.

Is that true what the funny doctor said? Probably yes. Probably no. No matter, she’ll be a fantastic mom.

SO I must end. I’m very tired and there’s a bit of storm brewing. We’re getting the warmer version of the winter storm that hit the US eastern seaboard. My skylights are groaning. I will meditate the wildness away, then sleep.

My wish is that we remember to breathe in, and out, thankful for the oxygen as it bubbles into every cell of our being. In breath is life, the beginning and end of it. Life. All of it. Breathe in with gratitude and exhale any doubt. You are a glorious speck filled with the enormity of the universe.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Holding it all up…

Belt.jpgI bought a belt today. It wasn’t wanted because I’ve several, but I don’t know where they are, and am tired of rifling through containers searching for them, so I bought one. And it’s nice. I had to buy a belt because some of my pants are not staying where they’re supposed to. They’re falling off in actual fact and the Bieber look doesn’t suit. Oh, and no, I’m not becoming a stick. I’d like to say I was but that would be a lie, and I’ve sworn off lying. No, it’s more about washing. Because there’s no drier, my pants don’t ‘shrink’ back. They just keep stretching out. Hence, a belt.

It was another nice day weather wise. I don’t miss snow at all, and seeing blooms this time of year sprouting wildly, is glorious. I’m nervous though. Time is ticking too quickly. I must trust, keep the faith.

I continue to be energized after my massage, and craving better, less sugary food. What a lovely treat that is! My digestion is really good. I’m sure I’ve read somewhere, that when you’re eating what your body needs, cravings tend to subside. This is only day three though, so I best not get too cocky. I’ll see how things progress over the coming days.

For the past week, we’ve been sitting a friend’s dog. A gentle lurcher, Jess is good company. We spent the afternoon together yesterday walking along a river and up into the hills. There are places here where it’s easy to let dogs off leash, but you have to watch for sheep. If a dog worries the herd, a farmer’s likely to shoot it. I suppose it’s the code one learns to accept here. It makes sense, but I wouldn’t want to ever be on the receiving end of an event like that. Knowing the rules, eh? It can be pretty important.

Of course, a lot of rules should be broken. Everything we’re told is not correct. Some regulations are downright awful, perpetuating division, disparity, and even poverty. It can be hard not to think that whole world is bad, or that everyone is really against you. As I’ve noted before, though, if that’s what you see, that’s what will be.

My wish tonight is that we’re able to find a belt when we need one to hold up what might otherwise fall down. Most of the time we’re fine, able to hold up everything that needs holding up. Then, other times, we need a little help. Look for it. If you do, you may well find all the help you need.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Energetically energized…

NameAfter that massage yesterday, I spent an almost sleepless night. Odd, that. But it’s good. What I’d hoped for kind of happened because something’s been jostled and I’ve ended up with lots more energy – not the “running on adrenaline kind”, but the real kind. So much so that I want another treatment. Soon. Lol. Amazing, yes? Indeed. But I’m not going to wax on about massages.

Since changing my name, what’s funny is how many people tell me they’ve never liked theirs. Makes me smile. Why do we do that to ourselves? In spite of Shakespeare’s roses, I believe there’s a lot in a name. Seriously, Elizabeth is a nice name, but put Queen in front of it, and the world’s your oyster. Probably wouldn’t work quite as well without a coronation and legal claim to the throne, but you have to admit, Queen holds more sway than say, Princess. Just sayin’. Anywho, I find it interesting, all that energy living in an around names.

Speaking of names, I went walking today on A’s advice to get back to it. Okay, names have nothing to do with it, but I couldn’t segue easily. It felt good working up a sweat. It is warm here – really warm – and I love it. Feels good.

So with that, I’m going to end tonight wishing for healthy energy to abound. Today we know full well that many of us get too little sleep, eat noxious foods, and stress about lots of things. Our poor adrenals, hearts, and organs in general need a break. Loving ourselves as much as we want to love and take care of others is key to health and well-being. When we do rest, relax, and do what we know is good for us, perhaps our body’s way of thanking us is with more energy.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Finding out what you knew…

Dorothy  Levitt.jpgI decided to book a session with a shiatsu massage therapist. I met her recently and saw the results of her work first hand. It dawned on me she might be able to narrow down what needs doing to move this feeling of being under a weight, not to be confused with body weight. Some of that excess is steadily heading for the hills. Hurray! The weight is this sluggishness and because I’m still complaining about being tired, hoped she might shift something for me.

Anywho, the appointment was midday today. The village she lives in is a picturesque 25 minute drive. I should tell you, the reluctant driver of a few weeks ago has been transformed into a 21st century Dorothy Levitt who barely notices the pretty Devon countryside anymore because she’s apparently hell bent on breaking a land speed record. Anywho, I did slow down when I saw the sea. That view always slows me down. I love it. A lot. But I digress.

This therapist is recently returned from abroad and building her business. I don’t think she’ll have trouble. What an experience I had! How could she know what she knew? She is terrifically gifted at reading the body. And she managed to shift what I’d hoped she could shift. I’m already feeling better. She did, however, tell me I must get back to doing things for my body instead of staying in my head – which I’ve been in way, way, way too much lately.

Because I’m not sleeping all that well and staying up way too late, not meditating, practicing yoga or walking… What? I can hear you saying it. What? Sorry. Failed to mention all that stuff I’m NOT doing, didn’t I. Yeah, it’s true. I’ve fallen off the self-care, best practices for me, wagon and it’s had a negative effect on me very quickly. I walk a lot more than I did, but it’s not enough. Certainly nothing close to what I was doing the first few weeks. It’s okay though. I can get back to meditation fast, and a few simple poses here and there will help my inflexible wee bones and muscles immensely. I just didn’t realize how much I need it all. It helps me stay out of my head, I guess. And that’s a super good thing. OH, and she said — are you ready for it? “Ah, you like the sugar, eh?” Nah. How could she see that?

So it’s back to square one with much less sugar. Again. But hey, it’s okay. Rome was not built in a day. I’ve a couple months left on the re-do. Plus, regular, faithful, disciplined practice to anything is not a forte, so patience is needed. Tons and tons of patience. Sigh.

Did you know your baby toe is related to the bladder? You did? I did not. Cool though.

Wishing us all a bit of balance. The kind you sought when a kid sitting on a seesaw, remember that? Practicing could hurt. Falling off was really painful. The BANG when your partner stepped off too soon, or the weights were all wrong. Ouch. But then there was the joy when balance was obtained. Wasn’t that a lovely feeling of accomplishment? Let’s remember how worth it it all was.

Until tomorrow…

Gratefully…

agatha-christieOh how I want to write a gripping piece for you tonight. Something with mystery, intrigue, and a dollop of humorous rhetoric to soften the edge and raise a smile. A Christie style narrative with an upstairs, downstairs cast. Or maybe a dark, brooding story of wicked depravity and things going bump in the night. But alas and alack, I’ve not the stuff in me to write of such things. So instead I’ll talk about my mundane day.

I’ve still some uglies hanging around and was in the clutches of one this morning. I woke tired, wanting more sleep. This restless uncomfortable feeling I call ‘ugly’, kept me from more rest. The feeling the word ‘ugly’ is supposed describe, doesn’t quite do the trick, but it’s the best I can do so far. Suffice it to say, it’s unpleasant, extremely unpleasant.

Anywho, it’s still hanging around as I write tonight, but not as bad. I’m doing my best to confront it in an attempt to determine what exactly it is, what causes it. It’s fairly familiar, this feeling, but because I believe it is attached to something old and perhaps traumatic, it’s stubborn. I’d like to get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, life goes on, doesn’t it?

And speaking of life, I’ve been reviewing my “luck”. Wow. I’m a lucky woman. I’ve been looking at my “attraction skill”, too. Wow, I’ve attracted and manifested amazingly. So, I’d like to start keeping more track of things like that.

Remember the process of selling the car after it sitting for a long time? Then this car, here? Okay, you’re right, there’s more to life than cars. But I was offered a job before I left Canada, and have found new clients here without even trying. I did, however, ask that I find work.

My writing is suffering, however. I need to figure out what I need to do to keep writing full time. I guess I’m asking that question in this moment.

The winning lottery ticket hasn’t been bought yet.

And I’m thankful, ever so grateful for all I’ve been given. Yep, even the tough parts, the pain. Because I’ve also asked to work on myself. And that work continues. And it’s hard. And some days it hurts – a lot. And the responsibility falls to me to keep going. To keep believing, trusting, and faithful to the request. I’ve changed. A lot. But I can’t sit back just yet.

And I’m elated walking the coastal paths in the rain and wind. And I’m elated to step back and look at my fear from the spot I’ve come to, my own watcher.

My wish tonight is that those who have gifts, find them, unwrap them, and live out their bliss.

Until tomorrow…

Roar…

SlatsSlats was the first lion used for the newly formed MGM studio. I remember hearing that when I was at the Dublin Zoo. He was born there March 20, 1919. Slats worked for four years, from 1924 to 1928. He was fired when the studio decided to use a colour picture. Go figure. There have been lots of lions since then. I’m still partial to Slats even though we never met.

I don’t know what brought that memory to the forefront. Anywho, I’ve shared it with ya’ll. Hope you enjoy.

Wishing for lots of colour in your life. It’s funny how colour can alter your mood. Let’s look for colours that spark a response, a good response. Colours can be around you, or you can see colours in all the layers you are. You are lots of different things, yeah? SO you’ve lots of colour to share with plenty left over to swim in, float in, enjoy.

Until tomorrow…