Falling…

StruggleAnother glorious day of sunshine and blue skies and butter cookies. *sigh*. My eating is so totally bizarre! Could it be stress? Maybe, but I really think it is sugar that’s triggering a desire reflex. Add that to everything else going on and yeah, wildly out of control I am! However, that written, since I fly Thursday, I’ll straighten up. My usual rule is to get super behaved days before travelling, from sleep to exercise to food, because the better I take care of myself beforehand, the better the overall experience. No jet-lag. Seriously. None. Anywho, the clean-up will have to start tomorrow.

As you might expect, I’m prepared. I splurged and bought two new bags, though. And I’ve gotten some beauty products here because they are less expensive. My hair’s been cut and coloured, phone will be cancelled, etcetera etcetera. I also scored a ride from the airport once I arrive which saves my girl the bother. Booking at the last minute only works for me.

I must admit I’m kind of scared and falling prey to some second-thoughts. Ridiculous at this stage, yeah? I’d have to ship everything back at great expense and do what exactly? Yeah, I know. But I also except that it’s perfectly okay. After all, things are not done, either. I still have to file for residency and hope I’m accepted. Risky to have done things this way, for sure. As I write it out my stomach’s turning over and I’m covered in goose-bumps. Have I fucked up?

Well, if so, it won’t be the first time. And, if so, I’ll find another way to go about things. I’ll find a way.

So now that I’m weeping and feel like vomiting, it’s time for wishes. And tonight’s wish is for forgiveness. And it’s a very personal wish I’m making public.

I am brash and foolish at times but have a generous heart and trusting nature. For reasons unbeknownst to me, and that I can only explain as my soul contract, I have been careless. But in spite of every outrageous action, I’m still here. This recent folly, this newest adventure, might well be the most insanely hazardous one I’ve yet embarked on. I really have jumped off the cliff. With few resources left, I still embrace a child-like trust and enthusiasm within my heart, however. So, forgive me for taking such an uncalculated risk and I hope you can find it in your heart to send me best wishes.

Terrified until tomorrow…

 

 

 

 

A big step…

DevonI bought a ticket to Blighty today. Originally, I planned on heading to the west coast about the middle of October. Things changed and Friday, I’ll land at Gatwick instead. There’s much to do over the coming weeks and months to ensure I’m able to live legally and function successfully in the UK, but I’m pretty up for it. It’s been years in the making.

Speaking of ‘in the making’, this process has super glued my understanding of the law of attraction. Don’t doubt it my peeps! IT is real.

Anywho, I’m not going to ramble tonight in spite of having lots to say. It’s seconds shy of 11PM and I’m happily weary.

My wish is a wonderfully simple one tonight. I wish that everyone step into, just for a minute or two, the happy space. When we focus on something, whatever that something is, that’s what we attract to us. Yep. So if we focus on good, kind and happy stuff, guess what? That’s what we will attract. Hold on, I heard you naysaying! Stop, if only for a minute, because it’s okay to think good thoughts and to be happy. Really! In fact, it’s encouraged.

Until tomorrow…

Roses not quite yet…

WhiteroseTonight was lovely, spent with the group I’m privileged to see on Monday and Friday. They gave me a card of thanks and farewell. I was touched. They are proof positive people can work together harmoniously. Guess you could say they’ve got their priorities straight. I’m thrilled to have been a part of it. Really thrilled.

Of course, now you’re thinking I’m finally leaving. Nope. The above was just me sayin’ about tonight. I’m still in a holding pattern regarding the final stage of the move.

So what’s it all mean? Well let me tell you what I think.

For starters, I don’t know why things are dragging at damn near the twelfth hour. I’m gonna take a leap and guess it’s got something to do with alignment and lessons. One thing I am sure about is that it’s an opportunity. Let me explain.

So today (and several times the last many days) I caught myself bemoaning, questioning, hashing over ‘stuff’ regarding the car not selling and so on. Of course that leads to blah blah and yada yada speak. All of this is negative, a time waster. Plus, I get all judgy, self-righteous, and worse, scared. I start to doubt, get a queasy stomach, and get pissy. I get short with others whose remarks while often thoughtless, would not usually bother me so much. I’m oversensitive, clearly.

It’s okay to be a bit off my game, in fairness. I’ve a lot going on. My resources are dwindling, and I’ve no real promise my plans will manifest at all. It’s coming on winter and while I don’t have to cut down any trees, I can’t find that river to skate away on…at least not yet. But let’s get back to specifics, yeah?

When I asked the universe a couple of weeks ago to please take over the selling of my car, I set a date. It was two weeks ago today. When putting that request forward, I was gracious and allowed for some leeway. By Monday, a buyer appeared. That’s the same person who is still interested. I need patience and trust. It IS that simple.

In the meantime, I keep writing, yeah? I’ve a wonderful room in a warm house. Tonight’s dinner proved there’s more than enough food to sustain me, and people nearest and dearest remain incredibly supportive.

What is the opportunity I mentioned? It’s the chance to practice what I ‘preach’. When writing the blogs, or vlogging, I’m talking to myself mostly. It’s like I’m reminding myself to think this way, or act that way. This current situation I’m in allows me to put a lot of my suggestions into action. And when push came to shove, I dropped the ball. I’ve not been acting the way I’d like to. Not at all. SO, I’m going to pick the ball up right now.

My wish tonight is for the patience we need to wait things out. Often we do the best we can, we cover off what needs doing and prepare as best we can. But especially when trying to live a state of trust, the growing– inside and out – might not be complete so the bloom is slow to come to flower. Believe it will and in the meantime rejoice in each moment. All is well. Soon there will be a garden.

Until tomorrow…

Don’t worry…

happyToday was one big reminder about being grateful, thankful and focussed on ‘happy’.

So one of my yoga pals is a medical personage. We got to chatting about vagus nerve stimulation and the gut. In my haste to wax profound, I spout that I think everything links back to diet. She disagreed quietly saying that happiness surpasses food. She’s seen lots of happy people who’ve done nasty things to themselves still they not only outlive, but out-health the organic types simply because of the difference in their state of being. Mind over matter.

Gosh, I thought, that’s the message that’s been trying to break through! I’ve been tapping the edges of it in my posts, but here it is ever so succinctly. This re-do is about finding my happy place and moving in!

So my wish tonight is that we all source our “happy” and let it be the breath we breathe. It cannot steer us wrong because true happiness is inextricably woven with gratitude, compassion, and kindness. Seriously, have you ever met a mean happy person? No. So soak it up. Let the happy consume you. What have you got to lose except maybe some sick days?

Until tomorrow…

Just enjoy…

BreadIt’s too easy to slip into old ways of being. I find I’m doing it lately with food. Over these past maybe four or five days I’ve eaten more bready stuff than one human being should. Today, I started back in on the cookies. Sugar. AND, I’ve been putting cow’s milk in my coffee. What AM I THINKING?

Starches from processed grains and sugar, not to mention dairy, make me ache. Seriously. I mean, besides the whole ethical issue around the dairy industry, those food stuffs don’t do me any favours. *sigh*. So, the question is, “Why am I eating them with such wild abandon?”

There’s a shop between where I live and where I work that is a boutique food market. They sell lovely fresh produce as well as a unique array of in-house prepared foods like pizzas, dinner entrees, and the like. Their bakery makes these little buns they’ve named ‘breakfast loaf’. Essentially it is ciabatta style bread infused with cranberries and chocolate chips. It might sound boring, but this shop has managed to combine bread and sweet chewy bits perfectly to create a scrumptious little delicacy.

Now, when I write “little” I do not mean single morsel size. No. This thing is substantial and takes several big bites to consume. With a cuppa-something it’s absolutely yummy. I might go so far as to suggest it is comfort food. And, one should be plenty. ‘Should’ being the operative word there because I have taken to eating, or more accurately inhaling, more than one at a time. And, I crave one now. It’s probably official – I’m addicted. But really, is it all that bad?

The answer is, no. In the big scheme, no. I am so lucky to be able to pop into this lovely place and buy these tasty, bready treats. AND, they make me happy! Okay, over-indulging is not healthy, but I’m not hoarding them. I enjoy the odd one on occasion. So why am I giving myself grief over this? Habit.

It’s difficult for me to fully enjoy anything without tempering the good feelings with guilt. Enjoyment leads to destruction of mind and soul, so anything that gives me pleasure must be bad for me. Austerity is the name of the game for me to achieve Zen. Ah-ha! That’s NOT RIGHT!

Living fully means letting go (there’s those two words again) of guilt and loving oneself enough to simply do what’s best. If I see myself as a divine thing, a part of the omnipresent and wondrous cosmos, I know what I need to flourish and thrive. Indeed, I might need to get quiet to hear and discern sometimes, but the message is there – always. It’s not magic, it is miraculous. We do know.

So my wish tonight is that we find our own breakfast loaf and eat it with zeal. No regrets! The body doesn’t need, nor do you really want to abuse it with more than it should have. Savour each bite and with humility and gratitude be thankful.

Until tomorrow…

Choices…

Cloudy dayToday was so beautiful. Not for any specific extra amazing miraculous thingy at all. It was just a beautiful day. Nope, no sun and not particularly warm. In fact midday it was trying to spit snow, but only halfheartedly. Still, it was a wonderful day! And just when I figured it couldn’t get better, as the last hazy bits of light were fading to dark, a stunning moon popped into the sky; a full one. I was moved by it, pulling over to simply enjoy the view. Lovely.

And that’s enough.

My wish it that we always choose to see the beauty. Stop resisting. Just do it!

Until tomorrow…

Letting go of hate…

Let goThe word ‘willingness’ struck me today. I heard it used in a mindfulness reflection after yoga and thought, “I must remember that word”. And for once, I did.

I’m not the most willing of subjects. Oh, I’d like to think I was, but I’m not. While spontaneous and pretty fluid, for a good part of my life I was dragged into things kicking and screaming. The trait still raises its resistant and ignorant head a fair bit, although to a much lesser degree these days. When it does come up, goodness it’s irritating. That stubborn reaction springs from fear, that much I know, but what event gave birth to it, I’ve no idea. It’s got to thinkin’, though.

Do you ever find yourself behaving badly in spite of your inner voice insisting you stop? Afterwards, you berate yourself royally, feeling so horribly guilty you can only placate yourself by promising there will be no repeat of said behaviour EVER AGAIN because, well, you KNOW BETTER! Until the next time. *sigh* I think I could write a half dozen dissertations on the subject from drinking to sex, to lying. I’ve messed up a lot and, as a result, spent countless hours in the pits. What a fucking waste of time.

But could I stop? No. Why not? I do not know why not. Maybe I didn’t really want to. Maybe beating myself up was easier than trying to be better. Or maybe I just didn’t think I was worth it.

I’ve written a lot lately about feeling good. We like to feel good. It makes perfect sense, yes? So would anyone chose repeatedly to feel bad? If they hated themselves enough, probably. And I’m pretty sure self-loathing is analogous to other addictions.

Hate gestates like everything else does. If you got your first hit of heroin and decided to stay with it, gradually the effects of the drug on your body would start to change you. You would plan your day around your next fix with a mind altered by the drug. Patterns would form.

If you were operating from a mind that formulated its plans based on a foundation of self-hatred, you’d likely be making a lot of stupid, destructive mistakes, too. You could only pray that one day, like the junkie, you’d get yourself clean.

Now I’m not trying to excuse bad conduct – not completely. I am trying to make a case for tolerance. Some folks have it harder than others when it comes to doing things right. But if shown a bit of understanding they might grow, feel encouraged and end up finding a willingness to try harder. At the very least, they might feel better about themselves, and grow to think themselves worthy, even loved. They might be able to change then – if willing.

My wish tonight is for awareness. Being aware at the deepest level means being ready to embrace letting go. It means we are willing to wash off the old, sticky patterns, filled with judgement and drama. Yep, it means we might be free-falling for a bit, but oh what a feeling. No parachute and no net. Are you ready to claim unfettered joy?

Willingly falling until tomorrow…

Breaking up is just fine…

BeautifulnatureEarlier today I had a glimmer of an idea for this post tonight. Of course, thinking I’d remember, I did not take note so now there’s no thoughts at all wondering around in my grey stuff. Not that it matters…hehe…because something usually shows up once I start writing.

It’s been 234 days since this exercise began. And like all exercise, if there’s no pain, there’s no gain. I’ve seen a lot of gain implying there’s been lots of pain which, there has been. Thing is, I had little trepidation when I began this because I knew I would come out the other end better. I knew I’d have to let go, and shift up my game. And indeed, that seems true in every way at this point.

Oh sure, there’s days when all the emotion overwhelms me and my focus is gone. Those days, hours, or just moments, are uncomfortable but they are losing intensity. And when they come, they dissipate more rapidly. There’s some gain right there. I think it’s because of the reward – the reward of feeling good.

Humans have evolved to the high end of the cognition spectrum, but the simplistic reward stimulus for learning is still effective. We like to feel good, generally. But that can backfire on us and we end up hurting ourselves. We get tricked into believing something is good for us when it is anything but. Hmm. Maybe we’re not as evolved as we’d like to believe, eh? Anywho, when we realize we have to stop doing something that once felt so good, well, we know breaking up with patterns is hard to do. Mr. Sedaka sang the truth.

But I’m going to testify, shout from the mountain top, that change IS possible. Patterns can be broken no matter our age, or stage. Persistence is the key, along with an honest attempt to recognize the reward when it comes which, means letting go of the drama, for starters.

Getting the mind to see in new ways is worth every effort. Listening to your language, the words you continually us, is critical. Listen to how many times a day you say “but” as a limiting condition. Pay attention to how many sentences express concern about a future event you’ve no control over. Hear how often you say something is likely to go wrong, or that you cannot do something because of… Let go.

The above is not pie-in-the-sky. I am practicing listening and know the difference in my own heart, and in my head. Like you, I see tragedy, sorrow, pain, horrors, and misery. And I feel, as a result, all the flourishes of panic, anguish, and fear. But, by switching my attitude to an awareness of the wonder and joy of all life, peace replaces the unease. That is my reward. I am not turning a blind eye. Instead, I am opening my heart to life and love in ways I never dreamed possible. My attitude does not have to focus on ugly to know it’s there.

And I want to write about it all now. I’ve fallen in love with writing again, and am enjoying immensely the practice of paying attention to words, and charming phrases. Spending my days wrapped in words sounds like heaven to me.

My wish tonight is that you can live your passion and love what you do. It’s probably not possible to place every mundane act into that package, but attitude can help make even the least pleasant activity, better. And if those boring things get you closer to, or find you more hours for doing what you love, then jump into the mess with your whole self and enjoy the swim.

Until tomorrow…

 

Expecting changes…

OwlmomToday I heard something I didn’t think I’d ever hear. It twisted my heart into a pretzel like thing.

I was not a particularly good mom. It wasn’t for lack of trying, though, because I tried hard! It just didn’t come naturally. I very much wanted my children to feel loved. I wanted them to know that no matter what, I was in their corner, that I was their greatest stalwart champion. Of course, I know now how difficult it is to do something you don’t know much about. So, as it turned out, some of the very things I desperately wanted to do for them, I could not.

Looking at my struggles back then, I recognize I was especially stubborn and incapable of trusting anyone to advise me on a better course of action. My gut pretty much told me what to do. Is that instinct? I was reminded about that trait today – instinct – and that perhaps it is the primary driver. I’d like to think logic and love enter the picture at some point, but maybe not. Regardless, it’s easy enough to get caught up in wondering what I might have done differently, but it’s a fruitless and frustrating quest.

Still, sometimes we need to face failures and mistakes even though it takes a toll. It is heart breaking to think you’ve disappointed someone you love, let them down. All you can do is ask for a soupcon of understanding, and a dollop of forgiveness knowing full well that some ‘sins’ are difficult to near impossible to forgive. I suppose that’s where the understanding comes in.

This past winter, I was told rather sternly, no one would talk to me about children because they knew too well what my thoughts were on the subject. I was devastated but wore the sting of another misunderstanding for a shorter time than normal and defended myself.

Does every woman long to have a child? Society heaps heavily its constructs demanding females have babies; little hims or hers. If a woman does not want that for herself, however, I support her. A woman should feel empowered to choose not to have a baby if that’s her desire. She shouldn’t be locked down by standards and values belonging to others. This is not the middle ages, people. We are not prehistoric! On the other hand, if a woman freely wants to have a baby, a wee little creature to nurture and love, to share her life with, then by all means I applaud her courage and support her choice.

I stand by those thoughts now as I wrap my head and heart around the idea that a new life is soon to come that will continue to toss further afield DNA I thought might end with the three of us.

Tonight I wish for an end to the morning sickness my gorgeous daughter is suffering through. I wish for her all the support, love, and guidance she wants and needs to enjoy her pregnancy to the fullest. During this time, they can chat about many things with glorious anticipation. Oh, and find just the right powerful moniker. Names are important. Elizabeth is a good one, yes? LOL

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Tonight some rest is needed…

RestingAllowing is important. Believing is key.

When drifting, eating right is problematical. For example, I like a breakfast smoothie with fresh berries for the antioxidants, pineapple and organic raw turmeric for me joints, fresh greens such as spinach (not baby) or kale, or high quality powdered spirulina, or chlorella with a hunk of ginger for digestion. The piece de resistance is half a frozen lemon, skin and all, for the cleansing, energizing, and purifying it brings. This concoction creates an acid and alkaline environment the body enjoys. Of course, making it requires a blender. You might be surprised how few people have one. I KNOW! Hard to believe if you rely on one like I do. Anywho, shouldering a blender with everything else I’ve in tow, isn’t convenient. So, the diet suffers.

I’ll survive, of course. This recent drift is temporary and sooner than not, I’ll be back in a routine. I do miss my smoothie, though. Both mind and body longs for the nutritional goodness.

One aspect of living without a fixed address is the reduced level of responsibility. It is freeing. It’s not for everybody, though. Hey, maybe I should write a book about drifting? Hmm. Maybe I should finish the book I’ve already started before I think about writing another. What say you?

Speaking of legal stuff, did I talk about the recent reassurance from the lawyer who has promised I’ll get my birth mother’s information? I talked about it before but can’t remember if I brought you up to speed with that. However, I thought I was getting it months ago, so am not holding my breath. Oh, and on that note, I’ve been slipping on my yoga – again – which keeps me breathing properly among other things. My daily practice is getting shorter, and shorter and shorter. Grr. Worse still, meditation has been cut short some days, too. I’ve taken to the mornings to practice but enjoy my evenings more. Sigh.

Anywho, I’m going to cut things short. I’m still fuzzy and a bit incoherent. Tomorrow, I plan to write about Elizabeth’s exploits and am looking forward to that. But for tonight, I’m going to watch some of my fav British shows, and veg.

My wish tonight is for patience and trust. That’s it. I wish for more patience and the ability to trust that I am safe, and sound, and perfectly fine. Why? Because I am.

Until tomorrow…