Light it up!

SparklersAnother late night after a full day of writing. My fuzzy eyes reflect an equally fuzzy mind. I must clarify, the writing was not for my beloved story, but was actually editing which, of course, involves writing but is quite different. And it was work. I don’t see it as work in the traditional laborious and gloomy sense, however because I enjoy what I do and marvel that I can do it at all. It’s neat. And like anything, practice makes me better.

Anywho, enough about me and writing, or not. I’ve a special wish tonight. It’s a nostalgic one and childlike. I wish for each and every one of you the joy felt when waving around a sparkler. Do you remember? Anticipation and exhilaration all rolled into a tiny stick that when lit up brought sheer joy. We can actually become that stick, you know. Believe it. Let yourself sparkle. Let yourself glow. Wave to the sky and dance upon the earth with wild abandon. Light your sparkler. I double dare you.

Until tomorrow…


Sing a new song…

Dance1So it’s  Friday night and I preened as much as I could before scooting me body down to the pub for open mic. I can ‘fess up now that last week when I showed up at the same spot, I’d earlier succumbed to demon alcohol. I’m pretty sure the substance supported me then so not high vibing at all. Certainly not something I want to repeat.

So, different scenario tonight. I’m back on the proverbial wagon and show up ready to sing stone cold. Here’s the difference. I’m in control tonight. I’m aware. I am willing to face all the doubt and fear.I’m ready to face the music! Big step for me to break a deeply rooted pattern of doubt. Still I did it. I stepped up sober and conscious. And, I killed it.

We can all do this. Everyday. We can walk up to any and all of our doubt demons and say “Hey, love ya, but I’ve things to do!”. We can confront our fear demon with respect, of  course, but with a firm, I CAN. Familiar theme? Indeed. Worth repeating? You bet your ass.

My wish tonight is to ask each and every one of you do this: Stand up, show up. Do NOT lash out, speak out, or strike out. Instead, hold your place and reach out, grab hold of, and hold on to, both literally and figuratively, everything and everyone you trust. Caveat. Check back in. Does your resonance (a combination of head, head, heart and gut) feel good? Sit as long as you need too until you feel you can stand firm. Once there, showing up is easy.

Until tomorrow…

Shortly sweet…

EscarpmentLovely day but do need to address a couple of – uh – issues for lack of a better term. Will think about things more tomorrow. Yesterday I had the second in a series of three visits with a kinesiologist and it was good. It seems a pretty far out there practice, but the results are dramatic. Because I’ve experienced energy manipulation first-hand, and seen changes, not to mention I am a reiki practitioner, it’s all pretty cool. I’ve a particular desire to become more grounded, so we shall see.

Anywho, it’s late and I’m just getting to the computer now at nearly midnight so will wrap up.

My wish tonight is that we look at the word “appreciate”. It means the same as gratitude but I think it denotes a simpler command, plus I just like the word. It slips off the tongue softly, fluid because of the ‘c’ in the middle. It’s also sounds lighter. But when I think of it, I feel lighter, too. Saying it makes me smile. And when I start to look around I can see so much beauty it’s impossible not to appreciate it. What can you see that makes you think, “I appreciate this?” Hey, I see you! And suddenly I’m filled with appreciation. Thanks for being there.


Until tomorrow…

Try, try…

can.jpgSo, I’m still seeking but for the love of all things in heaven and earth I’ve no clue what! Where Have All the Flowers Gone is playing non-stop in my head emphasising the lyric line “when will they (substitute ‘I’) ever learn?” Dagnabbit. Okay, here’s a thought. Maybe I should simply surrender to the searching I seem to do naturally in the hope I’ll be imbued with an explorer’s passion. It’s just a thought.

Lately, my wandering ways have been brought home to roost with the realization I’ve spent most of my life looking for something. Consequently I’ve lived with my suitcase packed – or unpacked – so to speak. I’ll hazard a guess I’m not alone. Explorers are everywhere. In fact I’ll bet most of my readers are explorers, searchers, seekers. Furthermore, I bet most of you who’ve stuck with me are hoping to find a nugget in my words that will set you free to explore even more!

We are ALL the same. We seek love first and foremost and freedom second of all because we’re locked up in these bodies of ours. We’re conditioned by societal constructs which include families, and traditions. There’s a part of us that wishes to break free from it all and to sore with the eagles. There’s a part of us that notices the construct or routine is flawed, restrictive, and actually silly. Our fear of being different, hurting those we love, or becoming an outcast, keeps up retreating and repeating unhappily all those things we dislike most about being in those holes we dig for ourselves. Change?

Some of us are happy in those holes, but for those of us who are not, life can often be hellish. Let’s grab hold of any opportunity to change. Yes indeed, we might misstep. We might turn into the tyrant or the persecutor which is not the desired outcome if you want world peace. However, it’s a step toward a step. Pick one at least!

So my wish tonight is kind of obvious. Try. Pick a path, pick a feeling. Make a decision to do something! Remember when I wrote about complacency? Well, you cannot be complacent if you make a decision. And remember this – you can always switch it up. So what if it’s not the greatest choice? At least you made a choice. If it’s not the right one, pick another. That’s the beauty of it. Try.

Until tomorrow…

Redo 365… it had to do with language.

Boxes.jpgHere’s the thing about changing language, expressing yourself differently. You begin to hear others speak in locked in, negative old patterns, more frequently. You get aggravated but try to stay detached. The comments you hear are good reminders to remain vigilant in your own development. The hard part is not judging either the speaker or yourself. The hard part is not attacking or belittling.

It’s not surprising I’m finding this lesson tough. I’m a long time know-it-all who fumbles around wanting everybody to think like me and see things my way. Now that I’m aware of the narrow minded destructiveness of that attitude, I want to accept more, open more, and allow, but find I’m still pointing my finger at people. Confession time: I’m still judging. OMG, I’ve become the reformed smoker, yeah? *sigh*

Here’s my conundrum. Silence versus conversation. Dialogue can enrich us, but all parties must be listening, engaged with head and heart. For really deep subjects, the conversation can go around and around and can often become heated. How do we teach, then? Patience, I suppose, heaps and heaps of it with big dollops of acceptance and trust tossed in. I need to work on the latter. Oh hell, I need to work on it all.

So let me paint a picture. You’re making small talk with a person, someone you know, and they start talking about the past and how things were better back whenever. You bite your tongue and think to yourself, “The past had its moments, but so does the present. I prefer to focus on the now”. Not wanting to drop their thought, in spite of your lack of response, they start on about how much better life would be if there were no combustion engines, if everyone lived simply with horses and buggies, quietly going about their day in semi-solitude. There’d be no pollution and no noise. It would be the best, the better way surely! And cities are all hell holes. Who can live a spiritual life in a city? People need to live in the country.

You’ve stopped biting you now bloodied tongue and reply that we cannot go back so why not make the best of the present? Sure it’s annoying when a machine wakes you or breaks a sweet reverie, but I’d rather travel quickly and efficiently by car, rail, or plane, you say. The countryside is magnificent, but so are big cityscapes. One need only decide to see the beauty. It’s perspective. I choose to be proud of what we’ve done rather than wallow in failings. We’ve fucked up badly. But nothing we humans do has ever worked perfectly. We mess up terribly, and continue to do so. But we can change. We are changing, you state.

Of course you’re thoughts are not validated. Your opinion is not shared and the conversation ends with a feeling of frustration on your part and maybe some anger for good measure. You walk away pissed and unsettled. The dissection begins. What went wrong? Why the icky feelings?

Well here’s my thoughts. Firstly, there’s some old stuff at work about worth. Your friend’s opinions are her own and she’s entitled to them. You do not share them, think them foolish. But come on, you don’t see eye-to-eye with everyone, so why does this person’s attitudes get you riled? Perhaps because there is a deeper truth being shown about how easily we become locked up in our thinking, and how insidious that thinking can be, for if we believe another time and another place is better than this time and this place, we cannot be fully alive in the here and now. It’s that simple. It is also, perhaps, yet another reminder about how we express ourselves, that our language is steeped in not just negative but some very destructive patterns. The good news? We can change it. We are all a work in progress.

When the voice in your head points out all the things it sees wrong with the human condition and then suggests the only solution is to go back to another time, it is lost. Lovely memories are just that, lovely memories. We cannot stay there. However, we can most certainly bring all those wonderful feelings to the present day.

Another aspect of this ‘issue’ is putting it on the person. It’s not up to me to change everybody’s thinking. It’s up to me to change my thinking. If I believe that the way I speak, or that the language I use is hurtful, then it’s up to me to change that.

Another confession. Wow, two in one blog. I’m feeling a tad over exposed. Anywho, this time I’m disclosing how I really feel about the present time, and people in general, and the economy etcetera. Has my age something to do with my thoughts? Of course. But the work I’ve been doing has more to do with them than anything.

I think the world right now is brilliant. I think people are amazing, resilient, kind, and fair. I think there is enough to go around for everyone. Now, are there seriously, serious issues, problems? Do people want, hurt, struggle, need? Yes. And it makes my heart ache. But here’s the rub. Worrying about them, dissing about this person or that, this bad thing or that, heightens those problems. It gives them more leg power. Am I ignoring them? No. But if I am not called to take direct and specific action toward resolving an issue, solving the problem, then by blaming others, by wailing on about the awful state of this, or the horrible conditions of that, I’m part of the problem. What can I do, then?

I see situations resolved, I envision peace, I Imagine. I simply believe. And with all my being, I trust good intentions, and positive imaginings support all those working faithfully for change, for absolute understanding. It is prayer, it is the power of positive thinking. It is a silent vibration pulsating outward. It bolsters me, you, and on and on.

It is the best I can do in this moment. Is it working? You bet your ass it is!!

And so that is my wish. Smile. Have hope. Take a hand. Choose kind. Pay it forward. Every single action matters. See the beauty. Keep your heart open. Think good. Imagine…

Until tomorrow…







KentisburyI did not post last night. Naughty, but there’s a reason. I was down the hill at my new local’s open mic night singing me little heart out. Okay, that’s a big overstatement. I sang one song, poorly. And please, no sympathetic outcries, my performance was rough. However, I’ve gotten back on the horse – again – determined to somehow find my voice and use it. Somehow I need to. Anywho, apologies for slacking off but it was well after midnight when I got in having closed the pub along with a bunch of blokes from the Midlands here on a hiking/kayaking weekend. Their instructor J, showed up, too, and funnily enough, I know her. She’s a sweetheart. All in all, I had a really nice evening laughing, and listening to good music. Goodness. Note to self. Get out more and lighten the fuck up!

I might have mentioned once or twenty times how pretty it is here. Today I found yet another gorgeous spot, steeped in a psychic history of sorts. Its current incarnation is a pretty glamorous hotel but not so long ago it was a caravan park owned and run by a couple of card reading types. I was told these hippies held lots of ceremonies over the years which I imagine were well intentioned. The result is that the place vibrates with what I’ll call a sweetness. Of course a lot of manicuring has occurred of late and little expense has been spared right down to the two male peacocks who hang out at the door to the restaurant. I did not eat there, but hope to. It’s another in an impressive list of eateries by one of the UK’s top chefs.

While there, it poured buckets. When I returned to my car I could see the freshly laid pea gravel in the driveway had been shoved into piles forming a bank for the water. It made me smile, glad it wouldn’t be me raking it all back into place. Ah, the joy of all things new! I like ‘new’ though. I like spit and polish. I see it a sign of respect for, and love of, a place. Clutter and dinge suggests disregard, stinginess, and maybe even sadness. Speaking of sadness…

Yesterday I pulled into a big lay-by and as rain splattered off the leaves and onto my car, I let the tears come. If you recall, I mentioned I’ve been feeling lonely and mean spirited. The video by Matt Khan who suggests we respect all our nastiness and acknowledge the power it has helped lift me a bit, but I’ve still been feeling, well, weepy. As I cried, I yelled at everything, all the unknowns and unseens. I laid it out right there under those trees and beside the moss covered stone wall. I spoke with anger, berating myself and the almighty universe. I asked why a few simple requests have not been delivered. Surely you know the drill. We’ve all done this, haven’t we? What was very odd, however, was this; during it all, I became enveloped in gratitude. I can’t explain it. For probably the first time in my life I could feel honest-to-goodness gratitude for everything that I was yelling at. In that moment, I became one with it all. I experienced grace. Very cool.

Now I’ve somewhere new to go inside as well as outside. All these quaint places I can explore here are intoxicating, but even more captivating is the glow of a grateful heart.

My wish tonight is that we boldly accept each and every opportunity to expand. It is frankly the hardest work ever, but with each step it gets a little easier. Wait. Maybe not easier, just better. Better because the teenie glimpses we’re given are enough to make us keep going. Those moments when we feel so divinely okay, blissed out, happy are worth chasing. Let’s chase the kind and the good. Go chase some happiness, freedom, beauty. What’s the old adage? Keep your eye on the prize. Yeah, I like that.

Until tomorrow…

P.S. Thank you A.B. for telling me you read this craziness. Very kind. I apologize for not recognizing you. We’re FB friends for goodness sake! Anywho, it won’t happen again. xx







Shadows and light…

Into light.jpgI’m still on this ‘shadow’ stuff. A similarly journeying friend recommended a guru who speaks about respecting all those less than lovely bits of ourselves like the anger, jealousy, and fear. Everything that keeps us grounded in the petty, unevolved pieces of our humanity. He suggests acknowledging the power they exhibit and giving them the respect they crave. Of course, Redo 365 was in a large part an effort to love my shadow side into the light. He scoffs, not at love, but at spiritual kinds of platitudes toward the treatment of our shadows, and now I get why.

When Alex wrote so eloquently about cultivating a garden, it made good sense, but the issue did not settle there for me. When a topic bubbles up repeatedly it’s got something more to teach me, something more to say, so I’m revisiting it again tonight.

The last few days I’ve been living in the dark, plagued by unpleasant, nasty thoughts about others. I’ve been feeling left out, angry, and misunderstood. I’ve been feeling judged and am frustrated about everybody’s behaviour and mine. Telling myself to not judge others, take responsibility for my own actions, or that I’ve created these situations, was not helping. In fact, it was making things worse.

Through Mike Dooley’s site, I linked to a really good video by Esther Hicks. It gave me insight into a few things and because I enjoy her humour, it was fun to watch. But it did not lift the veil. This morning, though, I watched this other video of Matt Khan’s, and tonight, the veil seems to finally be lifting, but with a twist. The twist is I’m giving myself full permission to be pissed off, hurt, sullen and withdrawn, judgmental and snippy. What? Yep. And here’s why.

All of that stuff, those less than nice bits, are there for a reason. Maybe it comes from the kid who was bullied, or the child who was abandoned. There are hundreds of reasons people ache, and with every ache comes the desire for acknowledgement. SEE me! HEAR me! I HURT! YOU hurt ME! I want to cry, please let me cry! Just hold me and let me scream! And on and on and on. Ignored, the ugly persists. Told some spiritual rhetoric to keep them at bay, they recoil ready to strike back fast. This last bit rings super true for me.

And so it was today, after hearing Khan’s advice to recognise the power of these thoughts and emotions and offer them respect, that I finally felt a break-through of sorts. I do not like being ignored, or patronized. I withdraw and fall into self-pity mode when my feelings are diminished or dismissed by another. Why are these crappy feelings and reactions any different? Maybe, just maybe, if I respect their power, treat them thoughtfully, it will help.

Now do not get me wrong here. I’m not saying I’m suddenly going to let the weeds take over the garden. That would just be plain stupid. What I am saying is that I’m going to lighten up on myself and respect my human shadow parts knowing they will walk freely into the light once I’ve given them the respect they deserve.

Wishing you all some laughter and good gardening weather.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.

Until tomorrow…

How does it grow?

MarwoodSo tonight I have to talk about last night’s post. I finished it knowing it was not fleshed out. Just because the yin needs the yang, doesn’t mean it we have to give sway to all the ugly stuff. To that end, a dear (and way smart friend) wrote me this:

“You were talking in your last posting about the balance between good and bad and that we should accept this but I have a different perspective to share. I think you can see the subconscious mind as a garden and the consciousness the gardener. If you want to grow vegetables you have to prepare the ground, nourish it, plant the seedlings and then nurture them until they come to fruition and can be harvested. You also have to act to remove the weeds that will try to take over and diminish or even destroy your harvest. We all get positive and negative impulses and it depends on our conscious will as to which of these we nourish and which we weed out because we know they will make us stray from our path.” Alex Buzzard.

That’s kind of it in a nutshell, or rather, a garden. We must cultivate with a view to a beautiful crop. We know the weeds will come, the birds will eat the seeds, and the weather will not always cooperate, but we will persist. We do not resist. Voila. There’s the message. Gotta love it.

My wish tonight is for hearing ears. When we listen with only our head, and not the heart, the message can be very different. We  must practice discernment to know how to proceed toward the best outcome. All those weeds might not need pulling. Some might be medicinal, after all. Truly listening means hearing the True voice. It’s the voice of spirit, the universe, or source. It’s the voice of wisdom, justice, and compassion. It’s the voice that will guide us to love. Pardon? I couldn’t quite hear that.

Until tomorrow…

P.S. Please check out Alex’s books. Consciencia, a story of radical transformation, and A Certain Lack of Faith.