Monday, Monday.

The Mamas and the Papas couldn’t trust Monday. Me? I’m learning to love it. Monday’s I test visual fields for some optometrists and it’s a joy. Yep, I can work on being kind, and I can work on being nice, and it’s a sure fire way to drag me out of me shell. Now, even Monday is fine. Ah ha!

Visual field tests are a non-invasive examination used to detect glaucoma. It can also alert an eye doctor to other medical and optical issues of course, but primarily it’s used to screen for, or monitor patients with, glaucoma. See, it’s a good thing and I like doing it. It’s also a great place to work.

I know, I know… I’m only there two afternoons a week, but trust me when I tell you, I’ve had my share of jobs and this one is quickly becoming a favourite. Everyone is smiley, warm, and funny. Funny is like a bonus! Seriously, though, the biggest deal is the respect. People affirm each others’ skills and abilities. Corrections are made gently, and with the inherent understanding that we all mess up. And no one’s pigeon holed. You’re encouraged to learn, to try new things.

One big deal is there’s no trash talk. It’s so refreshing. Of course, I diss all the time about one doc or another. And goodness knows I have to gossip about co-workers. I AM KIDDING! There is none of that. Everybody’s got your back, it seems.

Now all this sunshine is likely a bit over the top. People are people, they have their ups and downs, and days are the same, some are better than others. But here’s the thing. When people genuinely try to be good to each other, it works. And the energy that’s produced is pretty fucking fantastic.

So my wish this night is for kindness. When I treat myself gently, with love and respect, I feel good. I benefit. Extending all of that generosity of spirit outward from my being, must have the same effect. And so on and so on and so on. Let’s all decide to bathe tomorrow in a pay-it-forward tub. Even if we feel lousy, extend a hand to someone else regardless. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

With infinite hope…

Until tomorrow.

 

Postively positive.

Well, it’s a couple of days into this new name thingy, and I’m feeling the love. After Friday night’s fun and frivolity, doubt crept in as an aftermath. That’s well gone now. Hurray! Now that it’s official, I feel lighter so let’s move on, shall we?

It’s closing in on three months of this re-do and shit, I haven’t a clue if I’ve anything to show for it. And right there, you see, I’ve already blown the proselytizing of these last months by zeroing in on the “not”. Not helpful. At all. Let’s look for some good stuff, yeah?

Voila, numero uno! Looking for silver linings to change up a negative view is something I’m doing with greater regularity now.

Before starting this blogging, honesty wasn’t a forte. Coming clean is becoming easier, and I’m pleasantly surprised at how remarkably healing it is. I’d recommend it! Right, I’m pretty sure I have, but am reinforcing it. It’s freeing. Accountability and its sister authenticity were cornerstones of this re-do. Working them actually seems to work!

Now trust me, I’ve more indiscretions – many – that need to see the light of day, but gradually, by illuminating the stories of my past, blocks are dissolving. A lovely and highly desired side-effect indeed. Looking current self-destructive behaviours in the eye means facing long held fears, but the looking lessens their choke hold. I sincerely want to replace fear and misunderstanding with love, forgiveness, and understanding, and so I find myself moving into the light with fewer burdens.

Wow, good stuff abounds! But… yes, there has to be a “but”. Sigh.

There’s two things frustrating me. One is that I’ve not been taking enough pictures. Two is aligned. I’m making excuses and feeling floppy so am afraid to take pictures. Vanity and a degree of ineptitude, too.

I’m making excuses.

I’ve mentioned already personal struggles with body image. I was too fat, not able to pull off a look, not pretty enough, smart enough, coordinated enough and on and on. Stupid? Perhaps, but I’m still, at this ripe age, there. Okay. Next steps then.

The progress I’m making with blocks and mental talk is wonderful. I’ll focus more specifically on these last and more aggressive negatives. They’re deeply rooted, but I CAN love them into the light. I’ll get on the mat, and take some photos. I want to be able to chart my progress, after all!

Lastly, for the record, I want you share my feeling about the blog. It is a commitment. As you know, I’ve stayed with it but writing daily is eye-opening, not to mention, challenging. Calling oneself a writer is a big deal. Since beginning this project, I’ve discovered there are many far better than I. That there are good, even stellar, wordsmiths around, isn’t stopping me now as it once did, however. Oh no. On the contrary, they motivate me to keep looking for new and creative ways to craft my thoughts into grammatically sound sentences. In other words, I learn, am learning, want to learn, and will continue to learn. (High-fiving the air.)

My wish tonight is for creativity. For me, Muse is that. Muse graces me with more constancy now because I make space – a cherished, nurtured spot – for Muse to enjoy. Whatever is your “muse”, be certain to tenderly and carefully make room for it and it will, in turn, bring you abundant creative energy.

Peace to you. Until tomorrow…

Revelations and VWs

Today, while driving home from Niagara on the Lake, a parade of colourful vintage VW buses passed us by. I’d spotted a few rather well preserved vehicles meandering in the town, but figured they were just local. After seeing the bunch together, I figured there must be a festival of some sort happening. It was fun seeing them. They make me happy. When I see them I recall wonderful memories of a bygone era. It was a time of innocence when everything seemed possible.*sigh*

They also remind me of Devon, though, which might surprise many of you. You see, Croyde and Woolacombe are surfing meccas. On the weekends, it’s not uncommon to see them traipsing down the A road toward the sea. Love it!

What do VW buses have to do with anything on my re-do list? Only, this: as mentioned, they make me happy and today, after the high of yesterday, I was struggling to find ‘happy’.

I imbibed last night and although the amount of red I consumed seemed within reason, this morning I woke in that other world, the one where the brain chemistry, reacting to a reduction in serotonin, brings on a borderline depressive state. From that place, claiming happy or innocent feelings isn’t an option.

As luck would have it today, however, I was able to articulate what was going on to my friend. She understood completely. What a wonderful, and quite new experience for me, to be able to speak so openly. The outcome?

Well, I don’t know if I’ll never drink again, but I could see that putting myself in that place, separating my being from the joy-filled one who is aware, positive, and happy, for the sake of a glass of something-or-other, is silly. Why would I jeopardize a clear and rational mind? And why, if I love and respect myself, would I hurt myself. That’s not goddess behaviour now, is it?

And so my wish is for insight. When we find we are struggling to let go of certain behaviours we know hurt us, we need to be able to see those behaviours for what they are in the clearest light of day. They are harmful. If we then recognize our desire to respect ourselves as the divine entities we are, and to act toward ourselves from a place of unconditional love, we will be ready to let go of anything that hurts us. It’s that simple. It might take a bit of practice, but as long as we never, not ever, give up, we will be letting the love in. And from there, the love can only grow. It’s the law.

Infinitely convinced love is all we need.

Till next time…

Ta da! A name IS.

I’m officially Frances. Smack.

MB is gone.

Loved you girl. RIP

Woot!

Oh, and coincidentally, am attending a Chantal Kreviazuk concert on the very day!

Loving life..

My wish is for acceptance. We sometimes relish things we think we see. What about the unseen gifts? Presents aren’t only for the sighted.

Infinity isn’t beyond. It’s here. It’s now.

Always learning…

Tonight’s post is inspired from a recent discussion. Okay, I hear you asking, “Uh, and that’s different from all your other posts, how?” Good point. I’ll do some ‘splainin’.

The content of my posts is by me, about me. It’s my thoughts on, well, on how I feel about personal stuff and life, mostly. While it could, so far it’s neither been a soapbox for my particular political views, nor a platform to promote my ideologies. Philosophies espoused by me here are those I’m deploying in the moment. If they don’t work for me, I’ll be telling you all right quick!

It’s also not been a place for me to air any dirty laundry except my own. And that’s as it should be because it’s me talking to me in an effort to get real; get my shit together. It’s not about finger pointing which, I don’t believe is effective anywho. My ultimate goal is to move into whatever stage number this particular one is (there’ve been many) with passion and purpose, and live the rest of my life in awe, and with gusto.

So when a friend suggested I write about a topic we were chatting about, a topic I’m close to, I decided to give it some thought. As with any thing I plan to write about that’s not stream of consciousness, I do my homework. Research is key. I can’t make statements, broad or narrow sweeping, without fact checking. And that’s where the idea died a quick death.

Exploration led me down a dark path exposing cruelty beyond imagination. To delve further wasn’t an option. My heart ached, my stomach became nauseous, and I wept more and more with each new page. My body was screaming, “No, please, no more!”

Research confirmed that unparalleled barbarism is practiced against the innocents on this planet. Furthermore, our insatiable need for more, and an uncanny ability to deny culpability, seals the fate of these lives far into the future. I want to know nothing more. I’ve seen enough. I’ve now leaned more than enough. But let me be clear, not elaborating on the gory details of an aberration, does not mean I am not paying attention. Quite the contrary.

It is my belief that the greatest change starts in my own head and in my own heart. Discussing horrors and perceived wrongs enhances them. Illuminating evil in an attempt to denounce it is fruitful when, and if, the practice ceases. Most “talk” fuels the pain-body. That’s not what I want and it is not the blog’s intent.

So, I must do what enhances my well-being. I’ve been looking inward to see how I can become kinder and gentler because that’s truly, unequivocally, where change happens. Of course, I can join the protest marches, and sign the petitions, but my energy is what I share overtly every minute of every day and it can and it must radiate peace, calm, and love from wherever I am.

I’m not wrapping tonight with the “wish” portion. Instead, I’m including a link to a website and You Tube video. I hope you enjoy.

http://consciouslifenews.com/become-quantum-activist/115832/
http://www.quantumactivist.com

To infinity and beyond…until tomorrow.

Possibilities are ENDLESS

You know, my body was never the most malleable. I can’t state with absolute certainty I had no athletic inclination but I didn’t have the “moves” a lot of my friends had. That written, I never stuck with anything much. From as far back as I can recall, if I couldn’t do something, from spelling in a bee to somersaulting in the playground, with the same grace and expertise as my school chum or friend did, I’d simply not do it. Period. That’s probably one reason I loved solitary pastimes. No obvious competition when you’re by yourself, eh?

A part from having a superb ‘seat’ on top a horse, I can’t recall any special physical prowess, though. Insecurity about my body, poor social skills, and a skewed vision of perfection kept me from joining in, and kept me from trying, too. I dropped out of every activity including voice, one thing I was good at. I didn’t play on any teams. Instead, I read my books, rode my horse, and dreamed my daydreams.

Okay, I did play piano (poorly) for years, forced to stay with it by a mother whose dogged determination to get me to the keys was gestapo-like. I never performed publicly. I also learned to swim and loved the water, but didn’t water ski. I didn’t snow ski, play golf or tennis, either, although I’ve done all the aforementioned at least once. Problem was, my insecurities kept me side lined. I was afraid of looking stupid.

The result of dodging all these opportunities, however, was that I didn’t learn how to work toward anything. If I didn’t do it well right out of the gate, I figured I’d never do it well, and so, I just wouldn’t do it at all. The concept of learning via trial and error was way too foreign. And I was the loser, for sure.

Now I want to do stuff and am willing to learn, to practice, and to make meself the fool if it means I’m trying. Of course, I’d love to do well, but simply doing is really, truly enough. Still, I wonder how on earth I’m going to cram it all in? And seriously, if I wasn’t malleable all those decades ago, imagine how stiff, how rigid in body and mind, I am now. Holy moly!

Well, never mind. I’m going to try. In fact, my mind is bendy. Much more now than ever. So, yes indeed I am going to try. Yoga, travel and all kinds of new experiences are helping expand me – right here, right NOW! Thing is I want and need to keep the momentum. I simply must get up every day and kick my arse into gear. Every. Damn. Day!!! Hey, I might even try acting again. Okay, not so sure about that.

So…

My wish is for persistence. A lot of the time we see only the external obstacles. It’s necessary to see what might be stopping us so that we can address it, but don’t forget the internal barriers like fear, and self-doubt. In my life, the external inhibitors are never as powerful as the ones I create in my own mind.

To infinity and beyond rings oh-so-true tonight. Until tomorrow, then.

Must make plans!

I’m thinking about my girls tonight and how I need to refocus on plans to move closer to them. It looks like BC’s Deep Cove is the best option for the immediate future. I’m scared, though, and when I get scared, I stagnate. There, I’ve admitted it. Why am I scared? Well, money is in short supply. I can find work out there for sure and once I get my wheels rolling lots of good things and perfect opportunities will materialize. I’ve no doubt about that. But am still scared. Not a good combination. Must trust and keep the inside and outside talk positive! I will also admit I’m a bit tired of starting over. Excited, but tired, too.

When I moved to the UK, I was frightened, but I had financial resources. I shouldn’t zero in on lack though. I know better. I’m going to win the lottery. I’m not kidding. And that will help – a lot. Writing this out tonight helps, too. Tomorrow I have to look at my list again and ask the question, “What do I need right now?”

So that’s pretty much it for today. Just some clutter bubbling up. Funny how stuff that’s unresolved keeps bugging you until you actually sort it out. Gotta love it.

Tonight’s wish is for support. We all need people we can count on in both the good and not so good times. If you have someone like that, be grateful. Oh, and remember, support goes both ways.

With gratitude, I’m off to infinity and beyond…till tomorrow.

Aligning stars…

As the summer solstice moves on for another year it leaves us with a unique planetary shift, methinks. While I can’t be certain, this year’s solstice opened a portal. These portals, I’m told, vibrate. If you’re also vibrating on the same threshold, there’s an opportunity for emotional release. It’s a chance to unburden like a “get out of jail free” card. How else do I explain the sudden leap into the unfettered state I find myself in?

I need more time and the muse’s assistance to wax astronomical about the constellations and their possible effect on mortals, but suffice it to say, I’m feeling good. It’s sudden, and the alterations subtle but profound. The good news is this energy is so bloody exhilarating that I’m going to do what I can to hang on to it. Indeed, there’s been a shift which means I’ve can make fundamental change.

So with all that going on, today was obviously lovely. I slept well last night, waking rested. Work was good and yoga, challenging. I enjoyed a beautiful dinner and do not feel guilty about the Godiva ice cream bar I ate for dessert. Oh, and I practiced crow pose again tonight because I’m way off my arm balances. Way off. My intention is to get back at it.

And now it’s time for the meditation pillow and bed.

My day 81 wish is for joy. Open your arms wide. Toss your head back and breathe deep, deeper. Now whoop, howl, or shout out to the air, alleluia! See, you don’t have to be Leonard Cohen to feel it! Ode to joy.

To infinity and beyond…till tomorrow.

No pretending!

Do you ever feel you’re off the rails, careening uncontrolled into everybody else’s histrionics?

You wake in the morning to a ringing phone. On the other end is your boss, frantic for your immediate presence to deal with a crisis. Lousy start to the day, you think. Or, you’ve an appointment for a simple tune-up and your friendly neighbourhood mechanic unloads his marital woes before he changes your oil making you late for a desperately needed manicure. Needless to say, your technician is pissy because you’re late so ends up whining about her mother-in-law the entire time you’re captive at her station. You get my gist, yeah? Somebody else’s stuff getting in your face, invading your space. It’s all their fault!

Of course, what’s mentioned above is best defined by the trending term “first world problems” because my examples are trivial in the grand scheme. Nevertheless, it’s the ‘stuff’ that gets in the way, makes your life miserable. People’s nagging and complaining, their bitching, ruins things, can ruin your whole day. It’s all about someone bringing their ugly into your life so it becomes problematical for you, right?

Eckhart Tolle tells us this behaviour is damaging only when you allow, or worse, engage in the mess. He calls it a “pain-body”, and when it comes out to play, all hell reigns if it finds a playmate. In order to curtail the onslaught, somebody has to stop playing. Pain-bodies don’t play alone.

Let’s change the scenarios.

You wake to a ringing phone and happily rush to assist your boss. You kindly listen to your mechanic, do not commiserate, gently suggest work might help take his mind off things for the time being. And lastly, you apologize to your nail guru suggesting you come another time if your tardiness puts her too far behind. Bet she’ll take you in spite of the time. A respectful tip would be thoughtful, by the way.

Do you see what I did? I changed MY attitude. I didn’t let the pain-body out at all. And I can because my life is mine. How I see things, respond to things, act towards others, is my choice, my responsibility. Someone else can only mess me up if I let them. I can wear someone else for the day, or dress myself.

This theory is on my re-do list. It’s one I’m exploring deeply. I’m studying all the facets of this practice, and applying it authentically which means I’m not pretending. Rather, I’m truly ‘feeling’ my way through the process, changing my attitude and taking responsibility for my own well-being. I’m still messing up. Clearly I’ve down days. Those days for me, however, have nothing to do with someone else’s angst. Amazingly though, as I gain confidence in disengaging external triggers, I witness a correlation to old internal patterns that bring me into a depressive state. All in all, I’m learning and I’m changing. And it’s wonderful.

So my wish tonight is for courage. When we commit to letting go of our pain-bodies, we must be brave. Our own need for drama gets the adrenaline pumping, it’s addictive. But at what cost? It hurts us and others. It alienates us from calm. It is never kind. I want to be my own hero. Are you with me?

To infinity and beyond on day 80.

Easy penance…forgive yourself.

For this Re-do 365 to work at all, I have to get super-duper honest. Of course, the whole accountability thing is a key component, but yeah, honesty and I struggle to cohabitate. What I’ve been doing is dodging coming clean over the last several – ugh – weeks!

Since I know what I’ve been up to with the food, drink, exercise, sleep etcetera and you don’t, it’s time to enter the confessional. Drat.

For starters, I’m still balancing on one foot and getting better. What I’m not doing is teetotaling. I was for an extremely brief time, and it felt great, but I fell off the wagon as I’ve done repeatedly for almost ever. I’m not going to get bent out of shape about it, though. Yoga does that healthily for me. What I am going to do is admit it, forgive myself, and climb back on board. I’m going to keep trying to abstain because, well, because I feel better! It’s that simple.

Okay, I think that’s it for tonight. It’s beyond late. I missed mediation and am in need of my pillow.

My wish is for non-judgment. It’s a difficult concept to embrace with conviction because it’s multi-layered. It’s not just about releasing the desire to criticise another, it means we don’t give in to the temptation to judge ourselves, either. Become the unicorn. Such freedom!
To infinity and beyond until tomorrow.