Still makin’ that list!

ListHiya friends!

Yeah, I’m awkward at this – the “list”. I can’t just slap something on the page and exclaim “Let’s have at it!!” No. Mull and more mulling must happen. Geesh. It’s like I’m writing the Ten Commandments (as in cast in stone and all that). Of course, nothing has to be that serious. Still, all I can do is continue to ponder and fret my direction. The freakin’ rain isn’t helping either. (Yeah, let’s blame something. That’s sure to help.)

So, nothing too new except I’m meditating again with more focus. It’s important to admit how easy it is to let things slip – even things that are good for me. After I sit, because I feel better, it’s easier to think about lists. 🙂

Anywho, I’m gonna end for today and get on with some other things. I’ve a lot to tell you about – there’s some big stuff that happened recently and I’ve not written about it. You might find it shocking – or not. I don’t want to dwell on any drama, though, and what is, is. I’m humiliated and disappointed and must sort those feelings out first, methinks. Bottom line is, I’ve gotten myself into this ongoing life-play and need to write a new scene. I kind of believed I had, in fact, but the world had another plan. Perhaps talking about what happened will help, but because I’m not sure, I’m not going to elaborate right now. Ah, do I have your attention? I don’t mean to be abstruse – not really. I will fill you in. Promise.

My wish today is for a home. We all need a spot that’s ours, a place to put down a bit of root. It doesn’t mean we can’t travel or hardly ever be there. We don’t have to burdened by debt for it. It’s where the heart is. A home is a safe place, a haven. You know it’s yours and no one will take it from you. Ah, that’s a big one. Be careful about others promising you that place because they can take it away. Be careful that your home is yours, whatever and wherever you decide it is for you.

Until tomorrow…

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Can You Help Me?

Contrast.jpgHey friends!

It’s been a while. How have you been? Autumn is in full swing for many of you; spring for others. Halloween is approaching. Another Thanksgiving will be celebrated and before you know it a brand new year will be upon us. Time. It passes. Do I make the most of it? Do you? I know I do not but am mulling over some resolutions that might help and I won’t wait till New Year’s Eve to pronounce them.

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about pulling up the old bootstraps and getting on with things as in “must stop procrastinating and complaining”. Yeah. Pretty sure the topic’s been covered, but not sure whether I’ve done much about it. The adage plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose comes to mind. Translated it means the more things change, the more they stay the same. We all know about that and often kid ourselves about change. But seriously, how does one stimulate the deep change necessary to forever alter a pattern? Well, I’m not sure because I’ve not done it successfully yet, but my circumstances are such that I must ramp up. I am NOT living the life I want. Not even close. It’s time I pull it together! Is making the decision enough though? No, I don’t think it is.

So, here’s what I’m thinking I’ll do. I’ll make a plan, write out a list, and produce a vision board of desires. (My computer’s main page is already a vision board but needs amendment.) I’ll start now by writing out a few questions. I’ll answer them via the blog with an actionable item i.e., what would make me happy today? Answer: Going for a walk on the beach.

This is going to be a challenge for me. I’m a 50,000-foot thinker and usually have difficulty in the moment. I don’t do specifics. But it’s time to get nitty with my gritty. I need help, though. I need feedback.

When I write out the list and the questions and answers, I will post them, of course. Some will likely be “too big” but if they’re in me brain, I’ll write them. If not doable, they can sit as something to hold to – a “for the future” kind of thing. But here’s where I need you. Can you keep me on target? Remember, I’m a pretty solitary woman who has little regular interaction with folks. You who have been following along by reading the blog know me pretty well by now and some of you have extended thoughts that have really helped me. Here’s where I fall down.  I can’t always deploy suggestions – some processes are so foreign to me it’s like rock climbing and I don’t do rocks. I try but only get so far up before I let go. So remember, I’m on my own. Also please understand that I can’t go against my heart. That is straight upstream for me. I’m not a salmon. I prefer to go with the flow rather than fight it. Anywho, that’s enough for today.

I wish for the feelings of happiness and satisfaction. Those feelings can be hard to find some days – those days when the planet’s ablaze, when people take lives, and when your bills are more than you can pay. And it’s okay to notice and see it all. But staying in despair mode will not rebuild the houses or plant new trees. Your misery will not help others mourning lost lives. And dissatisfaction will not pay the bills.

Until tomorrow…

I’m there…

BottomHello friends,

It’s another pensive day for me. Concentrating on editing is difficult because distractions keep coming in waves. But, they are more than distractions. There is an inspiration in the interruption. Trying to capture the essence of these fleeting thoughts is challenging, however. But despite an element of chaos, I’m finding a calm within, too. How odd.

Do you ever feel there is something just beneath the surface? You can’t put your finger on it, but you know it’s there. It’s an answer to a question or the solution to a problem. It’s something forgotten, a memory suppressed. It’s a message in a bottle that’s not yet come to shore. Well, that’s how I’m feeling. And it’s exciting if a tad frustrating. Exciting because what I sense is coming is direction and greater clarity. Frustrating because I want it now.

That’s what life is like, isn’t it? What we find exasperating is the waiting, wondering, or continuing to seek. When you have a few years under your belt, the clock ticks more loudly, I suppose, so impatience is natural. And yet, rushing an inspired notion is the surest way to kill it. No, there’s a process to revelation and it cannot be rushed.

Over the last few days, as I mentioned in my last blog, I’ve been facing myself in the mirror. I’ve seen some warts and thought, “Hmm, I need to come clean about a few things. Perhaps it’s time to own up and bring them forward.” But, as I write now, I realize some of the actions I consider despicable are merely human foible, missteps we all take. The impossibly high standards I set out, archetypes of performance I couldn’t live up to which resulted in me running and hiding, or cloaking myself in arrogant false bravado, were galvanised by fear of failure. And I did fail myself and others, but my actions were mostly derived from a child’s mind corrupted by both nature and nurture. However, that’s not what matters. What does matter is this: What I did and who I was is not as important as what I do and who I am. And knowing that means each day I have the chance to do things differently, learn from yesterday’s actions, and fill the life I’ve led, and continue to lead, with forgiveness, gratitude, and appreciation. By doing that, I manifest love and put myself on a more productive path. We all know I’ve some real-world, in-my-face needs, but hitting rock bottom and owning my life had to be done first. And I’m there. And I have. And guess what? I’m happy. I am loved. I have a roof and food. I have my wits and am still feisty enough to keep on keepin’ on.

My wish in the light of this glorious day is for enthusiasm. In this world of constant images from big screens, and little ones, and everything in between ones, our hearts and spirits are being tugged and pulled in a thousand directions. Our minds are being imprinted with horrific images of barbarism. Our intellects are deciphering terrifying messages of all kinds. We can enthusiastically seek out the best, not by ignoring or being apathetic to troubles and sorrows, but by choosing, enthusiastically, to believe we have a choice.

Until tomorrow…

Looking back at me…

LookHello Friends!

The last few days I’ve been mulling around quite a few thoughts. Some of you have prodded suggesting I write more about this ‘ride’ I’m on, while others poked me about vlogging more. They want me to talk about the life of a 60 something who is not big on aging rhetoric, normalcy, or convention. All good, and I’m letting those suggestions gestate. But, on the other hand, I’ve been doing a lot of peeling – onion peeling. Lord knows how much I dislike onions, so I think I’d best start with the vegetable today and see where that takes me.

Whenever we start on any kind of exploration, surprises occur. The process implies “new” though, so one really shouldn’t be surprised at all. However, when I realized very recently that I was repeating a negative pattern, I was dismayed. I thought that crap was neatly composting with other waste. The initial plan, the redo I began over two years ago, was devised to expose habitual behaviours that weren’t working properly so I could change them. Ah, but here’s the thing. When you’ve done something for a long time, change might need to come in stages, especially if the practice is partially sub-conscious. Hence, the onion. Peeling one takes time. Furthermore, tears are shed. Eventually, though, you come to the end. You sigh, wipe your tears and enjoy a nice stew. Until the next time, of course.

I’m able to see my onions now. I feel I’m getting in tune with my emotions. For example, when I feel sick to my stomach, uncomfortable in any way, it’s because I’m doing something not aligned with my true nature and therefore, not in my best interest. But, I’m not talking about flashes of fear, or passing reactions, although they have their meanings, too. What I’m talking about is a lasting disquiet that persists despite attempts to calm yourself, or make yourself feel better. In my case, the experience of queasy unease is commonplace now, but it passes rapidly when I address it head-on. And that’s the peeling process. I’m still putting myself in jeopardy a fair bit because certain behaviours are deeply entrenched, almost involuntary in nature. The good thing is, I’m noticing. I’m becoming aware. Oh, and this is a big thing: It’s about me. It’s never about someone else’s attitude or issues or reactions or responses. Sure, others might be the trigger, but I’m firing the pistol. Not them. And this latter concept can be a bugger to get one’s head around. At least it’s proving so for me which is why I’m still peeling a lot of onions.

Accepting another into your space means allowing them to be themselves. When you react to someone you’ve invited in, it’s often because you’re expecting them to do, or say, or act in a way that pleases you; that makes you feel safe and secure. If their behaviour unnerves you, you might try to guilt them into coming around with, “I’m worried about you” or, “I couldn’t do what you’re doing, I think it’s crazy!” or the like. The thing is you’re not only judging them, you’re putting your angst, your fear of being out of control, onto them. These are your issues. Communicating how you feel can sometimes take the edge off misunderstandings, but if you continue to blame the other person for your feelings of frustration or stress; if you expect the other person to become something they are not, you’re setting yourself up for failure not to mention ringing the death knell for a healthy relationship. Plus, you’re not looking at yourself. You’ve forgotten that everyone is a mirror for you. You don’t have to like what you see, but the reflection is asking you to at least acknowledge it.

Standing in front of that mirror when you’re feeling vulnerable is tough. If you can find the strength to stay there and look carefully, however, you might just find the reward is worth the effort. I’ve been doing this the last couple of days and have learned quite a bit. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt these feelings before. I’ve felt helpless, put-upon, judged and misunderstood lots of time. Haven’t we all? So, why now and what’s the lesson? Well, there are several. Not casting dispersions in any direction – including mine – is a biggie. Not whining or complaining is another large lesson. But perhaps the biggest one comes in a few parts. It’s the lesson about manifesting what we most value.

  1. If I think small, then my world will be small.
  2. If I believe myself entitled, I will project that and consequently manifest responses and reactions from others accordingly. The reverse applies, too, if I think myself unentitled.
  3. Because I believe I place myself into every scenario, then I must accept that even the most difficult ones are teaching me what I need to learn.
  4. Lastly, if I really, truly, sincerely want to be my best self; a self who serves and loves, who strikes out with compassion and punches only with kindness, then at some point I must come to know that at any given moment I AM my best self.

My wish is for gratitude for sight. I’m not talking about one of the five senses, but more the kind of sight that accompanies insight, or foresight. Hindsight’s there, too. I wish to be grateful for those moments born of struggle when we finally “see” something clearly and yet, there’s nothing to see. We suddenly “know”. And that’s called embodiment. Once we “see”, when we have that ah-ha moment, the body knows. In that moment, we are ready to move on and set up new challenges. Oh, for eyes that truly see.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

 

Peace

PeaceHiya friends and fellow adventurers!

So, I’ve been confusing some of you with my ups and downs. Hm. Honestly, that’s life. Emotions, just like change, can be a bitch. I love it all, of course, but sometimes I don’t express my appreciation for it as convincingly as I should. That’s likely because in that moment I’m not feeling any appreciation – or gratitude – or pleasure. Instead, my disconnected-self, my old unworthy-self is the voice in my head. She’s telling me I’m a loser having a shit time. Thing is, that’s what this blog is about. It’s about the “moment”. Bit of it, by bit of it. I share the moment. So, if in the moment I feel crappy, that’s what the words convey. However, I hope you notice my wanderings are also trying to convey the deeper pull, and divine desire, to find a better way. My mind might be holding tight to old patterns, true enough, but I’m striving to jiggle those not-so-good feelings around so I can find better thoughts to think. Only in the expression of all my feelings can I make decisions to choose the best ones, however. If at any time I ignore, chastise, or escape a feeling, I only defeat my desire to grow. My expansion is then in jeopardy.

There are no possibilities unreachable. It’s the time lapses between nothing and something, failure, and success, that getcha. Earlier, I wrote a dear friend expressing my deepest desire to be successful as a writer. She, too, is a writer and far better than I. Still, she encourages me with praise for my work. It’s easy to call oneself an author nowadays. I will soon be one but prefer to call myself a writer. However, to wear that title, I need to dress with care, practice, and diligence. Am I up to the task? I have no choice. It is my Zen and I will continue to zigzag toward it until I shapeshift off this planet. It’s a tough decision, to follow my heart. Many are suggesting it’s not feasible. And, they might be right. But, I cannot let go of my dream.

My wish today is for peace. How does that connect with what I’ve shared above? Like this: We are at peace when doing what our hearts call us to do. The world asks us to separate, pick sides. It asks us to dummy down, collect ‘stuff’ on the outside so we will not go ‘inside’. But the journey to the stars can be an internal flight. Abundance and prosperity can be found in one’s heart, in the soul that unconditionally loves another, and in the magic of a single breath. That is peace. It cannot be found on paper, but in the accord, we grant our true and divine natures.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

A different truth…

FallingDear friends,

Well, I have to say I’ve been trying to communicate with you for days now. I start off my letters to you – like now – then segue into some form of ugh in two shakes. I don’t do ‘ugh’. It’s way too unsettling. But it’s because my stomach isn’t handling my latest situation well. Neither is my head nor my heart. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. I know, eh? This coming from the woman who believes there is no such thing as a mistake. It seems Houston has a problem. And the only solution I can come up with is that this Major Tom needs to start telling a new story.

Change is a bitch. Come on, let’s face it. No matter who you are, no matter how much you might want to do something different, take the road less travelled; no matter how convinced you are that you’re prepared for any and every eventuality, once you step off that cliff edge you’re freefalling and you’ve no real idea what will happen. You’ve no parachute; no net. You can hope you don’t crash and burn, but you’ve no way of knowing until you actually do make it to the bottom. In my case, I’m still freefalling but it feels more like I’ve hit the bottom, didn’t stick, and bounced. I recall the enthusiasm I mustered when heading to Ireland; the hope I held when travelling to a strange new town on Vancouver Island. This time, I feel like I’m just bouncing. And it’s making me sick. So, what of that fresh narrative?

Well, I guess I can start telling myself all is well. I can remind myself of my faith in the book (which still needs a lot of editing) and I can feel into the anticipation I have for its release. I can tap into some appreciation for having written it even though I don’t really feel any of it right now. I can reassure myself that I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I need to be doing despite feeling discouraged. And though I miss the privacy of the ‘home’ I had on the Island and miss the friends I made there, I can tell myself all is well. And lastly, I can remind myself that I chose this path and thought it was the best one for me at the time.

So, how do I feel now after telling myself something different? Not much better, but not quite as queasy. And that’s good enough for now.

My wish tonight is for the courage and creativity to tell a new story even when you don’t believe it. We’re good at telling ourselves all kinds of lies, aren’t we? Why not tell ourselves a different truth, one that’ll direct us toward our most silver lining. We know we’re feeling crappy and unsettled but focussing on unsettled and crappy will only bring on more of the same. I, for one, want settled and wonderful. I bet you want those, too.

Until tomorrow…

Believing…

believeDear friends,

Thank you all very much for the warm greetings and well wishes. I’m certain the journey so far is made better because of all those goodly vibrations coming my way.

I am currently in another ferry terminal marvelling at how people travel here. Everything is a learning opportunity for me when I head out on these excursions, and while I recall being enchanted by the comings and goings of these enormous boats last April, I’m more so now that I’m familiar with this place’s geography. I am somewhat embarrassed at my ignorance of B.C.’s coast and its islands. This is Canada, after all. I’ve not schooled myself on this province, however, choosing instead to travel elsewhere. Which reminds me, I want to travel again. Where you might ask? I’m not exactly sure, but someplace they do a lot of yoga and meditation. 🙂

So I’m now on the Sunshine Coast, in a bus making my way to my newest digs. It’s beautiful here. More stunning views. I’m still surrounded by mountains, but now the water that bids me welcome is the actual sea. The beaches are quite extraordinary, and indeed, there’s plenty of sunshine.

I’m finishing up this post in a lounge chair by a coy pond. The back garden of this lovely home is a maze of stone paths, and it is dense with fruit trees and flowering shrubs. There are sculptures everywhere and little seating areas beckon. I’m really impressed. My room is charming, too. It boasts a feather bed I can’t wait to sleep in. I am busting with gratitude for my good fortune. I am blessed indeed.

So my wish is one I have wished before but believing never grows old. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, how I will manage, but for today I am well, secure, and happy. Each day brings more clarity into my sight line about my vision. I know what I want. I know more about who I am, what I offer, and what makes me content. I believe if I follow those feelings, I’ll continue to be just fine.

Until tomorrow…

Farewell…

Goodbye.jpgDearest friends,

It takes a long time to unsettle oneself. There are drawers to empty, closets to clear, and shelves to make bare. There are energies to realign and entanglements to disengage. In my case, however, because I arrived with two suitcases and did not know a soul, there are only a few drawers to empty and a couple of items to remove from the closet. Goodbyes, though never easy, will be short if bittersweet. So, while it might take you a long time to unsettle yourself, I do it in a few hours. And so it goes. I’ve already delivered a box to the Greyhound depot for forwarding because I’d rather travel light, and packed a suitcase. Tomorrow I leave this outpost I’ve called home since April 24th with a slightly heavy heart. Yet, there is anticipation and the promise of something new in the air. I will be fine. It is another step on this unorthodox journey I’m becoming a bit of an expert at.

Many of you might often scratch your heads wondering how I manage. You know there are times when I have no money. You know I do not have a permanent address. I have no stability in the common understanding of the word. All of that is true enough, and yet, I am still here. A few monetary gifts have come unsolicited from generous friends, and others simply help me get by. Let me be clear. I’ve not given up seeing my situation differently. To that end, I have stopped bemoaning my plight. Instead, I see myself flush, comfortable, and secure. And, here’s the funny thing about that vision – it ‘feels’ wonderful. And as long as I hold to the feelings of what life is like with security, I can breathe, and act, and continue to write, and contribute, and ask for solutions to appear. And they will – they are – they do.

My time here has been grand. I have been broken here and written a book here. I’ve laughed and shed many tears here. I came open and leave the same way. I learned to hold to thoughts that are only good ones, ones that make me feel fine, worthwhile and on fire.

So that’s my wish today, for visions that take us to the best feeling places. If thoughts becomes things it makes sense to find thoughts that make us feel secure, that bring us joy. It makes even more sense to imagine the best case scenario, the happiest result, and a situation awash with capital L love. Feels good, yes?

Until tomorrow…

The capital L kind…

ShineHello dear ones!

Goodness gracious, I have a lot to catch you up on so will not waste time waxing thoughtful. Instead, I’ll get right to the gritty of the nitty.

The despondency I felt and shared with you in my last post has lifted thanks to you. The care and consideration shown me, those loving and encouraging thoughts sent via the ether or e-message, chipped away at my heavy old depression and made it easy for me to push it aside. Reaching out, asking for your positive thoughts, has become a wondrous means to an end for me. Is it a strategy that would work for everyone? I can’t say. It works for me and that is what matters. Still, I must add a cautionary note. Those good vibes are powerful! I flew rapidly from low to high and ended in a somewhat frenzied state. As a result, my behaviour Saturday was over the top. Too energetic and a tad reactionary. However, I’m still here. My antics are recorded for posterity but not too horrific, and life will go on. The good thing is that the experience brought about even more lessons about love, acting out, and forgiveness, overall. It’s brought me down a peg, but that’s okay. For now.

Once upon a time, I thought I was pretty. If you build a life on looks, however, you’re in for a shock or two as you age. I’m getting lambasted lately by those realities. That written, we all age and while our bodies are no longer a pretty as they might once have been, it’s our spirits that count. What thoughts do our hearts hold? How much patience can we exhibit when called on to be tolerant? How far can we reach out in support of another who might need our assistance? Those questions and more like them help us define the real truth of our human nature. Our looks have nothing to do with it. But you’ve heard all this dozens of times before. Why am I on about it? Because I needed to remind myself, is all. Which brings about another something I need to be clear about. LOVE.

When I write ad nauseam about love, it’s because I truly, profoundly, and relentlessly believe in the inexorable fact that love is the answer. I’m talking capital L love always. I am not referring to love as defined by romance novels or the porn industry. I am not referencing anything fleeting or exhaustible. The love of which I write is the all-encompassing kind that points us toward our true selves and connects us to something greater. The actions of capital L love are always selfless, pure, and require rigorous discernment of the deepest kind making it not always the easiest route to take. It is, however, the only route worth pursuing. It is the only thing in life worth chasing.

Lately, despite an often turbulent emotional state, I’ve managed to continue to chase LOVE. And, I’ve caught it – many times. During those moments, holding it tight, my heart soars, my spirit lifts and I am filled to overflowing with gratitude for every single fucking thing. EVERYTHING. And, I am happy. Of course, I foolishly let LOVE escape, too. Then I fall into holes, end up in dark alleys, and bemoan my condition. Until, that is, I catch some more of that LOVE.

We are all vulnerable beings doing our best to make our way in the world. Much of what we think is counter-productive to catching love, but we can gradually change that. We just need to firstly believe we can. It’s a small thing, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’m living proof that we don’t need stuff or even some base creature comforts to hold onto love. We just need to believe it can be caught.

My wish for us all today is capital L love in its richest and purest, unyielding, and glorious form.

Until tomorrow…

Time to change it up…

believe.jpgDearest friends,

Breaking is never easy, but I’m broken today in a way I’d not expected to be. I’ve actually been feeling confident. Imagine. Not so now. My chest aches, my throat keeps constricting, and the tears I’d hoped had dried up for a bit, are back in torrential style. Of course, you’re asking “why?” and I can’t elaborate except to say someone surprised me with information I didn’t expect, and it has rocked me. Of course, with all that’s going on in the world, my angst is small and insignificant, but try to explain that to my mind and body as it struggles to eradicate memories and stem the tide of emotions. No matter what I do, without notice my concentration wanes, my stomach rolls, and I want to vomit. My head aches even when my heart isn’t, and I weep in public despite my best effort not to. I’m a mess. Pure and simple.

So, to that end, I am once again putting out a request to the collective for assistance. There’s been no lack of support for me so far, despite my obvious propensity for slipping into despair, so I know the help is there for the asking. But seriously, how long can I go on like this? I’m helping no one, least of all myself! My writing, my sleep, and my overall health is suffering.

I hear voices shouting, “Get your shit together, woman. Get off this wheel you’re riding!” And I agree. Wholeheartedly. But as much as I want to stop spinning, whatever it is that I’ve set in motion just keeps on keeping on. And, after yesterday, I can only assume I’m way too naïve to interact with people constructively, which hurts awfully and is a big part of the problem. Also, I didn’t see any of this most recent stuff coming my way. Seriously. But it’s here, and it’s rough – really, really rough. So, what’s the solution?

Right now, I’m too vulnerable to discern whether to use a fork or a spoon, so have to sit with what’s going on. My stomach turns just thinking about surrendering, but I have no choice. In the meantime, however, what I have to do is pack up again. I’ll be moving on within a couple of days. Where I’m going is still up in the air. I know where my heart longs to be, and that’s all I know at this point.

So, here’s my wish. I wish for my faith in LOA to bear fruit now. It is time for me to be fully present and in service. I require constancy, stability, and support to do so. Period. I also deserve it. We all do. Furthermore “I know I won’t fail because I am fighting for my dreams. I know what I want from life. And, I believe my dreams are possible, I have no fear.” (Reworked quote from Paulo Coelho.)

Until tomorrow…