Feeling my way there…

TalktomeMy dear friends,

Today is another breaking day. Despite the insights and shifts of the last week or so, I’m sorry to report that I’ve had another ‘set-back’. My heart hurts awfully, and once again, sadly, I’m questioning my worth. I can’t tell you how tired I am of this roller coaster. And, I should be honest with you. I’ve been on this particular ride for several weeks watching an event unfold in my life. It’s dragged out because I was desperate for a different outcome – a couple of times I thought I might get what I wanted – but, alas, it is not to be and I hate it. And yet, I must flip it around to find something good. If not, I fear I’ll go mad.

When I arranged to come to this unknown-to-me-town in the mountains of Vancouver Island, it was a solution to a pretty big problem. Wonderfully, the solution flowed easily to me, too. Within less than 72 hours, I’d made a critical decision, secured a home for almost four months, and purchased an inexpensive ticket back to Canada. I had a ride to Dublin airport, a really affordable B&B booked in Vancouver for 2 nights, a chance to visit with my daughter for a week, and transport to the island sorted. I recall looking forward with enthusiasm to whatever was to come, trusting all was as it was supposed to be.

I remain incredibly grateful for it all – for each event including leaving England – but especially for the events that landed me here. However, the edge I had in Dublin, the clarity and energy that drove me to eventually find my way here, is gone. And the confusion, anxiety, and sadness I feel because I cannot seem to find any direction, continues to take its toll.

I believed my coming to this place was providential – truly. That feeling fuelled me for weeks. I enjoyed exploring, which I did a fair bit of for the first month plus. But, mostly I fell in love with writing here. I committed to it. And, it was proceeding well – very well if I might be so bold – until I allowed a diversion into my life. And then everything changed, but not for the better.

For a couple of months here, I was incredibly happy, though, and I want to reclaim that feeling. I don’t know how, but hope I can. Right now I hurt, I feel ruptured. But, a short time ago, I felt wonderful. I experienced something glorious. I laughed a lot. I cared deeply and enjoyed another’s company profoundly. Some days, I actually thought I was supposed to stay here which would have been okay. The place has a unique and wild beauty. But I was mistaken. I am not a part of anyone’s plans here and so I have to return to my solitary drawing board. It feels akin to Dublin, oddly. But as hard as it was to leave Ireland, I was excited about my future. That isn’t true now. I’m heartbroken about leaving, so am in the process of reaching inward to find anything to look forward to.

What I found here only to lose, has caused old default patterns to re-emerge with a vengeance. That means the familiar internal dialogue of self-abuse is active. I am old; useless. I have nothing to offer. I am unlovable, I hear myself say. I am a failure, a ridiculous and arrogant dreamer who has squandered resources and talents so deserves what she gets. I hear the words in my head and they force the tears to rise in my eyes, but I want to recoil, snap back a quick, NO! I don’t want to be unloved and useless. I don’t want to be. I want to feel the way I felt just a few weeks ago, full of enthusiasm and fun, looking forward to each day and night, connecting easily, and enjoying another’s company. It felt like home. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to believe the voices when I look at my current situation objectively. It’s easy to see why anyone would think me a waste of space.

So, my wish tonight is to feel only the feelings and emotions that best describe love. Connected, easy, happy, and home, are just a few words. Brilliant, peaceful, exciting, and sweet are some more. Impressive, magical, and worthwhile are a few more. Shiny, warm promise. I’m sure you can find some words for yourself. Give it a try and feel your way back to love. You can do it.

Until tomorrow…


Being understood…

CommunicatingHello friends,

I want to write something but am empty headed except for a concern I have. It’s not earth shattering – I’ve expressed the same worry before – but it’s that I’m not sure my true self is coming across in the blog. I’m not drilling down or reaching high enough – or something. I’m not sure why, I just think that as I wander around in my head and write the words, the message I get is not the one you’re getting.

The reason I say all of this is because of comments I’ve read, and quotes that appear. And it’s all good, because if it drives me to be more direct, to be clearer, then fantastic. My heart’s desire is not to bafflegab with my words, but to share clear, concise thoughts and ideas that help me expand my own heart and reach further into the valley where awareness thrives.

So my wish today to close this short and sweet post is for good, better, best communication. No assumptions. If you’re not being understood, say it again with new words, take a different approach, regroup, and try again. But, do not give up. Never give up. If you’ve something that needs saying, trust you will find a way to be heard.

Until tomorrow…


Awake.jpgHello dear friends!

Have I got news for you! No, it’s not what you’re probably thinking – the home or money thing – it is something even better. Explosive, in fact. Let me explain.

When I started Redo365 more than two years ago, a primary intention was to eradicate my propensity for self-loathing and unworthiness. To accomplish this I knew I would have to find my blocks and blast them to smithereens. I was (still am) determined to chase down my demons and transform them into angels and come to fully love and accept myself. I planned to eat carefully, drink responsibly, and move my body. I planned to address language in an effort to release patterns of negativity. In a nutshell, I sought happiness via self-responsibility and accountability. And, as I write this to you today, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve achieved everything I set out to do because I am happy. Furthermore, I like myself more and more each day.

Oh, of course, I stray and sink into default reactions like self-pity and fear more than I want to, but I am human and still working toward my ideal. I will always be a work in progress. But, no one can head out on a journey of self-discovery without some success unless unwilling to confront truths honestly. Change is inevitable. And once change occurs, awareness grows. Next step is embodying the awareness. Once that takes place, transformation happens allowing a brand new cycle to begin. And on and on it goes.

Every time we consciously decide to shine a light on our darkness, we begin that journey of self-discovery. It does not come easily. It is not for the faint of heart. There are few road maps. No one else has done exactly what you will need to do, and no one can do it for you. However, don’t let go of any supportive hands. Their grip will keep you from disappearing into the void. And others’ encouragement can help keep you on track. But, ultimately, it is up to you and you alone. The messages you receive – and you will get loads – are meant for you – not someone you think should change to make you feel better. Uh uh. The person in the mirror is the only one who should be listening, the only one who needs to change. What others are doing matters not. And I for one am glad I kept listening because today I woke up for the millionth time.

I can safely say I am an awakened woman, now. I know her because I have met her from time to time. But mostly, I put her down, walked away from her, silenced and closeted her. I did not want her to dress me. I would not let her speak for me. I could not feel into the places and spaces she asked me to go. Her power and unmitigated passion frightened me. I could not and would not trust her. This morning, however, when she called once more, I mustered the courage to accept her invitation. In so doing, I feel I am on my way home.

Today’s choice alters my path significantly. I suddenly have different tales to tell. I have new stories to share about who I am and how I came to be. My narrative from this point onward will not be for lazy eyes or wobbly hearts. It will be wild and untamed. Its purpose will be singular: to help everyone embrace their awakened souls and connect to their fearless natures. I want you all to find your way home. But do not mistake my gesture. It is not altruistic. In fact, it is rather selfish. My desire to help you deepens my commitment to stay the course, that’s all. Remember, I am merely a work in progress.

So here is my wish today. That those who desire a new and peaceful planet will by whatever means necessary, make their way home and reunite firstly with their awakened soul. From there everything is possible.

Until tomorrow…

More of the unexpected…

SerendipityDear friends!

I use that salutation now with increased confidence because I believe we are becoming friends of a sort. Knowing you read my words and care about the experiences and thoughts, and dreams, I share with you helps me frame what I write. I am especially happy today because I can talk about good news. Let me preface it a bit first though.

The last few blogs have been pointed. I’m working out difficulties in my current space and time by putting reflections on the page. The exercise has produced a modicum of insight and put me on the spot, too. It’s all good, of course, but being where I am in my life demands thoughtful focus and patience. It is a test of my resolve and my core beliefs. Do I have faith I’m doing what I need to do? Will I survive all this? Is my intention aligned with my thought? And on and on the questions flow until yesterday when I finally got a couple of affirming responses to those questions. Both came ‘out of the blue’.

The first was from the woman who owns the house I’m ‘sitting’ in. She replied to an email I sent requesting specifics about time, to tell me she’s not ready to move yet. I’ve been awarded a brief reprieve of at least a couple of weeks – maybe longer. *Sigh of relief and huge hurrah*. The second ‘miracle’ also arrived via email. It was money. Yep, money. Several hundred dollars, in fact, sent by a friend I’ve not heard from in months. I had been on her mind, she said, and she needed to send this cash to me. Just. Like. That. *Another huge sigh of relief.* By the way, she’s not one of those folks I wrote about yesterday who hide behind organizations. She has been saving the world one person at a time for most of her life.

So, here’s the thing. I don’t want to govern my daily existence in this fashion of serendipity although I love that it occurs in my life. I would much prefer a blend of stability and providence. However, I also want to do what I do best and believe the universe (which is me connected to all the energy in me and out there) has my best interest at heart. Get me? I’m on a path. It might be eccentric, exotic, or wildly strange, but it is mine and it has taken me the better part of 50 plus years to commit to it. Why would I try to go back, or not stay the course? I would not, and I cannot because the thought makes me ill. Furthermore, I know life would not be worth living.

Consequently, my wish today is for a clear path to your heart’s call. It takes courage and stamina to break from the herd. Do you recall ever trying to colour outside the lines? It isn’t a supported act by any stretch. But, in order to live extraordinarily, one must be prepared to move beyond the ordinary narrative and find the story that is new, unexpected, and ultimately, glorious. That story, in its simplest telling, will be revolutionary, mind boggling, and heavenly because it will reflect the shiniest and most unique you.

Until tomorrow…


TalkDear friends,

After reading responses (what joy!) from my last two postings, I’ve had some revelations about ‘things’. One is that my focus is wonky and another is that I should never expect anything from anyone. This last one, the latter, is especially tough for me. I can change my focus easily enough from ‘poor me’ to, ‘wow, I’ve got it all!’, but when I ask for help which is never easy for me, what exactly do I expect? Could it be that I set people up with the request, expecting them to fail? Ouch. If that’s the case, and I think it is, I need to do two things: ask forgiveness of myself and others and change.

Over the years, I’ve found there are a few constants. One, in particular, is stereotypical, but while I don’t like labels if the shoe fits. What I’m talking about is that those who have the most are often the stingiest. In my experience, many of these folks are well aware they hoard to a point and work to cover up rather than addressing their tightness. To that end, they volunteer, run charity organizations, or find time to offer copious amounts of advice. They keep way, way busy! However, they are seldom able to put their advice to practical use, and no one can get too close. Letting anyone in would mean exposing the chinks in their armour, yes? And guess what, that is me. No one gets too close. Hm. However, my generosity is not in question. I’m in the fix I’m in because of it. If I have it, I give it. It’s that simple. I’m not a protectionist. Furthermore, I have no regrets on that front – none at all. So, while that way of being is uncomfortable for a great many, I would change very little. I could have kept my money but would have lived a radically different life. And even if my life ends tomorrow, I am happy for my “big gamble “experiences.

As for the getting close thingy, showing the real me exercise, I still find that challenging. I’m also stuck in a repetitive cycle on that score, too, it would seem. I pick people who will inevitably ditch me, leave me shattered and, well, broken. I thought I was getting better at it. I thought I had cut away enough of the wall that I didn’t need to enter into painful relationships anymore. I foolishly believed I could read another’s intentions with some assurance. Apparently not. I don’t know when someone if being true or false. Therefore, I am still opening up to some awfully painful experiences with others. And if truth be told, I am over it. That written I’ll never be apologetic for caring as long as my intentions remain sincere.

Anywho, nothing much has changed for me these last few days except that the time for moving draws ever closer. I want to stay put but cannot help but think it’s not meant to be. Nothing seems to be lining up. What I thought might be there is not. The road out of town seems the only thing calling. And yet, my heart hurts at the thought. I am truly, deeply sad. Detaching from thought with meditation helps a bit. Oh, and like I mentioned at the very beginning, altering my focus so that I am aware of all the blessings I have here and everywhere in my incredible life, is a must. The pain must pass, mustn’t it? Indeed. Here’s hoping something miraculous will unfold when it does. But whatever happens, I will give my attitude an adjustment and stop being a negative Nellie. That’s a default setting for me so it comes without any enticement. I’ll convince it to go – gradually – because I’ve little energy right now for much of anything. Being grateful might just be the boost I need.

And so that is my wish, for an infusion of energy. Coping with dense emotions is exhausting, and of course, they must be dealt with for transformation to occur. Getting through long periods of stress, especially if you have little or no support, can take every bit of strength you have and more. Finding ways to re-energize can be just too much work. Rest and patience are required. And even when deadlines loom large, if you haven’t the energy to get the job done, you’ll mess up decisions and choices unless you let yourself rest. It seems paradoxical, but that’s the way to find the energy. So, to that end, I’m off for a nap.

Until tomorrow…

To connect or not to connect…

LeavingDear friends,

Today is a hurting kind of day, a day when my life weighs heavy and seems a cataclysmic mistake. Of course, not all of, but big chunks, certainly. I suppose these feelings are inextricably part of the breaking I wrote about in my last post so perhaps a better beginning would have been to say that this is a breaking up, a breaking a part, kind of day.

I move again in less than two weeks and still, I have no place to go. My finances are exhausted, too, creating greater restrictions. I recall my last days in Ireland when I was under similar pressure and how everything aligned (not without a modicum of stress) to get me here. And, let me say, quoting my beautiful Irish friends, “it’s been grand.” But then I had a few dollars left and my guides were boisterous and inspiring. Currently, like my money reserves, my guidance system seems to have deserted me. However, we are never actually disconnected from our source energy. Our intuition is always intact. Since that is the case, it must mean I’m not listening, choosing instead to test myself to within an inch of everything I profess to believe. Not the smartest move on my part, eh?

Of course, I’m still learning, which is lovely. And I’m still changing in positive ways. I’ve moments – long and luxurious times – of profound gratitude for – well – for every challenge, each struggle, and all the glorious upheavals. But, as the sorrow born of anxiety mounts, I fear I might fail this test. I need a place to go. I need a roof over my head. (As I write, I realize there are shelters, so of course, I will have a place to sit I am sure.) But there’s something else gnawing at me, today. It’s got to do with not breaking from, but rather, connecting to.

When we invest our whole selves in something like say yoga or meditation, for example, we crystallize our bond to that thing. Over time, we strengthen the connection by making plans to do it. We practice. We get better. It becomes part of our day. Now, replace the thing with a person. Surely we deploy similar strategies when it comes to those we care for, right? If not, even the strongest connection will suffer. It will inevitably weaken, maybe even break. Just like the ‘thing’ we enjoy doing and make time for, we cannot truly connect with another human without putting them into our day to make plans and spend time with. They are, naturally, in our thoughts.

Now, of course, there are casual relationships, but let’s look closely at them for a moment. Find an example of one such acquaintance in your databank. Got it? Okay, are you committed to sustaining the connection? Do you consider their feelings regularly? Highly unlikely. And while the time you spend or spent with them might well elicit sweet memories, the bond is not there. It is fleeting, and I know fleeting. Boy, do I know fleeting.

So, what I’ve learned is that passing acquaintances have their place, but the ones that alter us most radically are the ones we make a commitment to. Those links offer us the chance to open. In our vulnerability, we can touch our strongest selves, let rise our worst nightmares, and manifest our most spectacular dreams. But, and this is the tough bit, we cannot control the depth or breadth of the other’s commitment to the link. Should they decide to waiver, abdicate their place in our lives, it is their choice. It does not, however, affect our love for ourselves or for them even if allowing them to break what we deem a precious connection might well be what breaks us.

When we choose to love another, their commitment to us matters not. Ideally, you’re in it together forging a heavy duty chain, but if they cannot be there with you, it does not turn your love into something less. Love is the constant even when a tortured heart threatens to kill you. It does not demand that you sustain the chain alone, though. Connection can only be maintained with cooperation.

So, here it is I find myself breaking more connections and making my way again, alone. Of course, I am not really alone and yet, I can list more severed chains than solid ones which honestly, makes me sad. Very sad.

So, it is with a heavy heart and troubled mind that I formulate my wish for a discerning and broader vision this morning. You see, I’ve been quite blinkered lately, unable to see opportunities. I am filled with more fear than I ever imagined, and have no idea what to do next. Not a position of strength. Hence, the wish. We always have choices. If we cannot see them it if because we are not willing to. And there’s the crux. I’m going to shop for some new glasses. Care to join me?

Until tomorrow…

Breaking is not bad…

Breaking.jpgDearest Friends,

I want to talk to you tonight about breaking. Breaking apart, breaking up, and breaking down. Breaking the silence, breaking the glass ceiling, or breaking through are all necessities in this game we’re living. How we manage all this breaking is up to us. There’s no escaping it, by the way, there’s only surviving. And that’s what it’s all about.

When life throws a pile of shite at you, do you think, “Hey, I asked for this and now that I’ve got it, what can I learn?” Not likely. You probably, if you’re like me, assume the foetal position, stick your thumb in your mouth and hope whatever is rupturing (or has already split apart) will fix itself in time for Coronation Street. In other words, no facing or accepting, just escape. Well, I don’t think that’s the right method anymore.

After years of hiding, I can’t hide anymore. My life is in the crapper in many of the more obvious ways right now, and while I’d like to pull the covers over my head, it won’t help. I have to face the facts: It (my situation) is what it is. I made it this way, so suck it up buttercup and ask for help.

Now “help” means a solution. Preferably for the long haul, but at this point, even a stop-gap would be better than nothing. Thing is, each and every day I’m growing in awareness. It’s not easy. Oh, and I’m not blaming myself – or anyone else – it just is what it is.

Most of us have plans and goals. Whether they are small or large is not the point. It’s the plan. How we fulfill our desires differs for each of us. Some of us put our intention out there and allow life to guide us toward it. Others plot a strategy and take affirmative action each day. Both move us to the same end.

I belong in the former camp. I have desires and, for the most part, have let life steer me toward them. Of course, I’ve had to put one foot in front of the other, but mostly, I live in the moment and realize after the fact that my intention was met. Lately, that strategy doesn’t seem to be working. And yet, I think it is. I know, eh? It’s just that what is happening is so subtle, I can’t even see it. And that’s where the breaking comes in.

I have to be willing to keep breaking. I am separating from old habits, language, and deeply entrenched patterns. It’s scary and unnerving, exciting and troubling. Yet, it must be done because at this stage there is no turning back. Seriously, there is no going back. I wouldn’t want it. I have broken with my past. And that point is crucial. Think about your journey and if you’re struggling, ask yourself if you would rather be in the crap-storm you came from or the one you’re in now? Hopefully, your current situation affords you greater happiness than where you came from in the past. If not, don’t bother reading any further because you won’t get this blog or most of my blogs for that matter.

So darlings, my wish for you is this: let yourself break. Go ahead. Cry and thrash about, panic and let the cold sweat wake you. But, break. When you do, feel the pain, see the fear and embrace it because if you don’t run away from it, if you don’t intervene and put a bandage on the break before it really splits, eventually you will find a whole new and improved you is on the mend. At least, that’s my wish. It’s a pretty good one, yes?

Until tomorrow…

It simply is…

Love.1Dear Friends,

I am contrite. I haven’t checked back so I cannot say how long it’s been since my last post, but it’s been too long. That much I know. And…whoosh, I’m in a musty confessional. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been, who knows how long, since my last confession.” Surreal.

I’ve been recollecting the parts of me influenced by Mother Church of late. But that’s a contradiction in terms. If indeed Mother was Church, things would be radically different in the world today. Yes, I have that much faith in womankind. I am convinced there would have been more truths told, fewer wars, and far less paperwork if Mother had actually had any real say. Oh, and fewer complications. Seriously, who has time for bureaucracy? Not a busy woman, that’s for sure. Oh well, it’s a pleasant dream.

Another thing on my mind lately is love. A bit ago I was chatting to a young man about a line from my book. Orin says he has decided to chase love in all its incarnations – day in and day out – his purpose will be to chase love. When I shared this with my co-chatterer, the response was, “Yes, if it’s pure love, then it’s great.” “Hm.” I was a bit surprised and replied with, “Isn’t that redundant? It’s like the overused ‘unconditional love’, isn’t it? Love simply is. That we humans put conditions on it is foolish. Love is love.”

So that is my wish for you all. Love. Chasing it in all its incarnations’ means looking for it amidst the challenges, the hard times, and the heartache. It means accepting it when it’s offered, and offering it when there seems a shortfall. Chase it. You’re bound to catch it. You see, it is never running away. It’s standing still, waiting patiently for you to grab all you need and more.

Until tomorrow…