Timing is…

CheddarAm in a beautiful spot tonight starring at the setting sun. Even yesterday’s tumult has not shaken the contentment I feel here. Quite remarkable, actually. The turn of phrase, “home is where the heart is” is my reality. You can’t make this stuff up. You can’t pretend you feel something like this when you do not. And, you cannot know what it feels like until experienced. It’s that simple.

I still plan to speak about The Crone this weekend, on my birthday which is Sunday. Wow. It’s been a year since this blog began under a different name with a different woman writing and vlogging, in fact. Different because the redoing has peeled and prodded, exposed and required a fessing up. A year of change, of facing fears, of swallowing pride and of taking responsibility. And one thing I would never have been able to do had I not done the work this year, would be to dance into The Crone. Who wants to get old? Well, I’m not old. NO. I am a wise woman, an archetypal seer. That is who Crone is, not a haggard, withered human, feared and reviled.

We are who we believe ourselves to be so be the leading lady, okay? Your story is yours and yours alone. No one else can write it. Truly. Trying to create a life based on another’s plan will likely make you miserable. So write your own story. Blame no one, not even yourself. Forgive everyone, including yourself. Take a deep breathe, and move into the real you. Boogie on.

Wishing tonight for sunsets that make you smile. Hugs that leave you safe and warm. Now, just for a second, embrace the world, all those who are lost, alone, struggling, and in need. Hold them in the shadow of that setting sun, in your arms that offer safety and warmth. We are one writing an astonishing saga.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Spinning…

CarsOver these months I’ve wished for miracles. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve also blathered on a lot about kindness, and getting what you focus on. Today, I manifested miracles and kindness. I found myself being cared for with tenderness and humour when both were needed. I learned a lot today.

Dear friends are cruising around jolly ole and we met in Bristol for lunch. Although it’s only been a few months, it was so good to see them. We parted with hugs and I climbed into my loaner car from the garage. If you’ve been following you know my little gift-of-a-car has been misbehaving hugely as of my Brighton weekend. Anywho, with my borrowed sat nav programmed, I struck off for home and only made a few wrong turns in Bristol City Centre before making my way to the M5.

About 45 minutes from home, I spun out. Not sure what I did, but I over corrected for some reason and couldn’t get control back. When I let go of the wheel, the car drifted into a complete spin and I knew I was crossing three lanes of expressway and heading back into oncoming traffic. I could see cars whizzing by and then the steel centre barrier stopped me cold. I was thinking seconds before I hit that I might be okay. And then I was not.

Of course it was awful and I felt terrible but here’s the thing. I didn’t hit anyone and no one hit me. The young man in the red Audi wagon I kept seeing as I zigged and zagged, stopped a car length from me. He was unscathed but stayed to help me. Paramedics travelling behind, saw the whole thing. They rushed to slow traffic flow and take care of me. I got my neck and back checked out. Red Audi man, put his coat around me. Then I called the garage. B_ said, “Yeah, you’re taking a piss!” until he realized I was not. He kindly said it was okay, to stay calm, and he was on his way.

2 paramedic teams, 3 fire engines, and 2 police units later, the car was moved across to the hard shoulder and I was told that today was not my day to go.

It was surreal watching things unfold on the highway, how quickly and efficiently teams did their job of cleaning and clearing. They came, they left and one would never know what had just happened. Eventually the now endless queue of vehicles started to move.

I still do not have a clue what happened out there today. It was so odd for me, and a part of me wants to kick myself. Why did I bring this into my world? It’s a violent and dangerously extreme way to learn a lesson, yes? Well, my attention’s been got, that’s for sure. But I know that much good came about today and more will come – much more.

We expect people to be angry when they’re put out. We expect officials to be, well, official. There was none of that today. Furthermore, I was taken care of with gentle and respectful kindness. I am so grateful. That written, I don’t expect people to be anything else and most times, that’s true. And since that’s the case, focussing on the ‘most’ seems to make more sense to me than keeping alive any story about the ‘least’. Miracles do happen, all the time.

Tonight I wish for love. Not the capital “L” kind I usually write about, but the simple human kind like the love between friends, or the love between you and your cat. Just like the capital “L” love, however, ordinary love heals, makes no demands, and accepts unconditionally. Ideally, anywho. Really loving is harder for some than others because to love means to surrender. It means to allow others to show their love, be themselves authentically, and drop the judgment. Sounds sweet, yes? Got a white flag handy?

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Fun seeker…

MonaA lovely friend told me she quite liked me as I was when the re-do started. Remembering that makes me smile all these days and months later. I don’t see her regularly now, not like I did then, because I moved away. Hopefully, she’d still feel the same if we were close. That would be nice. But as nice as it would be, it’s not important. Not really, because the thing is, I like myself more now. That’s of critical importance. That’s what is different and it makes Re-do 365 a success. What does that mean to me? Well, it’s not easy to describe but I’ll try.

It would be wonderful to report that I am complete. That in the few and many days which make up a year, I’ve transformed into a light being, shedding skin, destructive habits and copious behaviours that no longer serve me, rendering me like the Mona Lisa, a thing of eternal and fixed perfection. Yes, it would be wonderful but of course, an unbridled lie.

What has happened, while not the stuff of the Louvre, is still quite remarkable. Getting real is hard work and in spite of knowing there is much more work to be done, I’m seeing such progress! Lately, however, I’ve a longing for fun. There is much to be serious about, but little I can do about it feeling stifled and stressed. And really, fun can make most things better.

I used to meanly judge people who had fun. I suppose it was because I didn’t know how to have it. Oh, I tried, but it was so frenetic, my idea of fun, that I’d scare people to death including myself sometimes. Eventually I stopped only to start justifying myself by talking trash about people who partied, took ski weeks, or threw great parties. Clearly, it was easier to do that than examine why I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, have a good time.

I realized a long time ago how destructive judging in that way is so it wasn’t really a part of this past year’s realigning. But habit’s that mimic it still exist so a purge was in order. And while my example about having fun might seem trite, judging anybody else’s successes, abilities, or failures, is not ever helpful. It’s a smoke screen preventing us doing the real work of self-examination with sights set on change.

What I learned this year was that the process of taking responsibility released me from my desire to judge. No, not completely. I’ve a ways to go, but I’m further along the road than I was a year ago – a lot further along!

I’ve also found that when the pain body reacts, there’s an opportunity and a lesson for me. Someone else’s behaviour might be many things the least of which being a type of behaviour I do not want to engage in, but reacting helps nothing. Now however, rather than beat myself up for not being kind, I forgive myself for creating a negative situation and put some love back into my space. I forgive myself further for wanting to rule the world my way and thinking I know what’s best for everyone. Hehe. That doesn’t mean I haven’t cut ties. Of course I have. Some of us do not make a pretty picture together so redrawing the canvas is a good thing. I can still love the original. I just won’t see it anymore.

And that leaves me wishing tonight for the ability to have fun. Real fun means letting your hair down. It’s a superb way to de-stress and unwind. Of course, what’s fun for one is not necessarily for another, so judging isn’t allowed. That’s no fun! Just open your heart, get out of your head, and go do something that makes you feel like a kid again. It’ll be fun. I’ve got my skipping rope.

Until tomorrow…

Grateful for gratitude…

GivingHullo. I’m despondent tonight. Apparently no one even noticed I did not publish last night. Numero tres. I’ve missed 3 posts over the year and all very near the end and does anyone care? I’m crushed. Why do I bother? Hehe. Kidding, of course. Seriously though, did you notice? I’m going to guess, “no”. Lol.

So, I was away this weekend, yeah? It was fun. I would like to have seen more of the city, but it did not happen. I will have to visit again. Maybe not on a holiday weekend, though. The drive is a long one. My little gift of a car had an issue which made the drive quite an adventure. I made it there and home despite the chugging and stopping. With the sat nav, it was an almost flawless drive otherwise, and once I knew what was going on with the car, I simply had to pay close attention. A couple of times on the return journey, I seriously contemplated calling AA, but carried on. Such joy when I wheeled into my parking spot at home. Whew!

As a result of the weekend, I’ve a bit of inspiration and will need to follow through. I’ve still things to do re immigration paperwork la la la. Of course, that’s critical at this point. All the pieces are coming together for the waiting game, but in the meantime, I feel like a time waster. It’s not a nice feeling so I’d like to change it. Not sure how exactly other than simply making better use of my time. Makes sense.

So wishing tonight for gratitude and guidance. Gratitude, especially when feeling unsettled, is a no-brainer. Of course really, gratitude should be a daily practice, woven into all thoughts with joyful precision. Studies show when gratitude becomes like the air you breathe, everything shifts. You begin to repel worry and fear, accepting easily that all is in order. Therefore, if you are grateful for the stirrings of thoughts but do not know how to give them flesh, blood, and bone, simply remain that way – grateful. In time a direction will show up. It’s law.

Until tomorrow…

Another day…

A lovely day.Unique and challenging. Am I good around people? Generally unless triggered. Never feels good falling prey to negative reactive patterns. Good lessons always.

It’s very later. Too tired to even vlog.

Wishing for sun to kiss your skin and coax the buds on the branches. Be a daredevil and uncover for a few minutes so your body can immerse itself in pure vitamin D. Many of us need a tub full of it this time of year, so go ahead and take it. It’s free. Don’t overdo, though. You don’t want to burn the merchandise.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Always learning something…

HutsTonight’s going to be super quick. It’s late and I’d hoped to be in bed hours ago. However, as exhausting as the day was, it was also superb. I made it to Brighton unscathed. Driving with the sat nav was brilliant – seriously, brilliant – would never have made it without it. And in spite of major engine issues in my wee car, I arrived in time to take in the sun at Brighton Beach. Woot!

So, so far I’ve met two new peeps who are amazing. Tomorrow, three more. So cool! However, I’m feeling queasy and probably need some shut eye. Time to dream. Oh, and of course, no afternoon or evening meditation. Blah. Tomorrow.

I’d like to wish for understanding tonight. It’s challenging allowing others to be who they are without putting our desires on them. When we project those desires, mostly it is to make us happy. It has little to do with the other. When someone makes us uncomfortable, we want them to change so we can feel better. But that’s not fair. If, however, we understand that the uncomfortable feeling is meant to teach us something and has nothing to do the other person who is fine just as they are, we begin to grow. Understandably.

Until tomorrow…

Calming it all…

Dance1.jpgLast night, I melted down. What does that mean exactly?  Well, I don’t know, exactly. There is heat involved though not so much as to pulverize bone, it seems to increase in equal measure to the growing anxiety. And while today I’m “down”, hours ago it felt like an explosion was imminent. Of course, that would put me well and truly into the atmosphere with birds and planes and such, so not down but actually, up. Right. Enough. Straight up (or down), meltdown – one word – means exactly all of those things mentioned. Implode or ex, hot or cold, it matters not. When you focus on too many things, mulling them over and over with no resolution, a meltdown is well and truly inevitable.

I’m a cerebral type. Ah ha, stating the obvious to many of you while reminding myself that a mind is a terrible thing to waste and likewise a dangerous place to wander without a map. Think of it like this. I’m travelling to Brighton this weekend. Signs direct to numerous places – there are a lot of people crammed onto this tiny island – and figuring which road to turn onto at a roundabout can be fun. Okay, not so much fun as terrifying. Even if I studied a map prior to leaving, I’d not have another set of eyes to read those many signs. The GPS’ dulcet tone will advise ahead of time which road to take supplying peace of mind. A sweet bit of help on a 4 1/2 hour drive. Thinking a mind GPS needs making.

Once upon a time not that long ago, I travelled bravely into the unknown sans maps. I am speaking metaphorically here, but it applies. Indeed, I can be pitifully naïve still, clinging to what might be thought childish innocence. And yet, when warned against these tendencies, I cannot leave them behind. I have tried countless times only to return to them with relish. Why? They make me feel alive. They come easily. Yes, you could say I’m a dreamer, hehe. I also trust implicitly, not because nothing bad has ever happened, but because good things happen more. Am I therefore deluded?

Well, it matters not because as I grow in love of self, there comes with it a deepening respect for those pieces that fit snugly together making an authentic and unique ‘me’. For too long I struggled to make others happy, changing and redefining my persona on a regular basis. It wasn’t a good thing. Not at all. But by allowing me to be, well, I’m learning to know what happiness is. But what got  me here? Hard work. A will to survive. A smidgen of patience, and a deep and abiding desire to be a better person. It’s still an uphill battle with a brain that is perpetually at odds.

Relief for an overactive cerebral type like me was always delivered via physical labour. Hard work, or play, quieted my mind and balanced me. Staying with yoga these past years when harder physical activities diminished has helped a lot. Still, the real balance comes with meditation. Movement is important, but is only a part. There is the option for aggressive and competitive tendencies to bubble up like me hearing negative self-speak when unable to stretch or bend where I think I should. Practice decreases this, but meditation makes no allowances for this. The practice lets me hold myself in light, accepting all of ‘me’ as the imperfectly perfect human I am.

To that end, I’m adding another session to my day. So far it’s been sketchy since a 4PM meditation time is challenging. My little brain is very busy at that hour. But that’s the purpose.

Meditating before bed helps calms me so falling asleep is quick. More important than sleep, however, is that I wake well. Those prone to depression need to wake well. Hence, sitting still with a focus on breathing when the world (and my brain) is all a flutter makes sense.

So I will wish for the desire to do what’s best for you today. Find something that brings you joy, makes you laugh, brings good feelings, then do more of it. It could be visiting seniors, playing tennis, or playing bridge. It does not matter, if you feel wonderful, do it. Try meditating, too. You know you want to. But whatever you do, know that the ‘thing’ is your essential nature dancing. Can’t you feel it, hear the rhythms? Are your feet tapping yet? Mine are.

Until tomorrow…

 

 

 

Discoursing of course…

Owlflying3I’m going to keep this short tonight. Today’s been a day filled with words and I’m weary of them. The words today seemed to be for and about others. When I tried working on the book, it was nerve-wracking and frustrating. What I read was gibberish. I worked on bits in spite of my reactions, though, and I think I sort of have it sorted. I also think I might have to leave that part and move on. Blah. There’s a lot, a whole lot, of book left to write. Somehow I have to speed it up.

Anywho, good news. I picked up a bit more work which makes me happy. The papers that I lost, have been found, and my weekend away with a group of wild women is finally here. Getting away will be a good thing, I think. Not that everything isn’t wonderful, but I just feel I need a change of pace.

I’m going to ask for something in this blog before the wish. I may have asked for this before, but am nudging the energies that be as a gentle reminder. Please provide the information promised about my birth mother. Thank you.

Tonight I wish for gratitude. It has been chilly the last while and today several friends were buried under the ice and snow of an early spring storm. I have a warm home, warm clothes, and a warm bed to snuggle into tonight. There are those who do not. I am grateful for all that I have, and for those who remind me of that. I am grateful for a reminder to pay it forward and to be kind to one and all. I am grateful.

Until tomorrow…

Spotlighting…

SpotlightA couple of things going on tonight that might, or might not, be interesting. For starters, I’ve just watched the best movie. I know, I know! I liked “The Lady in the Van”, but “Spotlight” is the best movie according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences! This movie won several Oscars. The story is flawless, acted with stunning precision.

I must explain something. I am a product of the villainous institution this film is about, but never fell prey personally to its heinousness. Many friends did, however. In fact, my town is listed at the end of the film. It was my parish, my very workplace which sheltered a major perpetrator. I knew nothing of it. But I do not want to rail about the sins of ‘man’. They are too great.

Did I ever mention I was, for a short time, a journalist? Because I was the kid of a ‘big fish in a small pond’ dad, I was able to land a job with the local newspaper. Unskilled but enthusiastic, I dove into reporting imagining myself the next Katharine Graham. Like most things I’ve had a chance to do, I did not stick with it, but loved it, nevertheless. Watching “Spotlight” reminded me of that old love and also that true talent, the exceptional kind, is courageous. It knows that egos are best left at the door, and that good people are everywhere.

Now, even good people screw up. When they do and once they realize it, if they do not come forward they are often relieved when caught. This film highlights that as well as the failure of an institution. It shows how complacency establishes a breeding ground for continued suffering and wrong-doing. Through determination and the intelligent chasing of facts, however, when allegations were followed up, victims were helped. Someone was listening, finally. The institution? It remains because people want it. It’s that simple. What point am I trying to make?

We give institutions power over us. I am not suggesting that people who have authority do not abuse it – we all know some do – but we are not all victims, either.

Today, however, the insanity of violence and irrationality bloodied us all again. I can do nothing except deepen a consciousness of peace.

Wishing tonight that we do some imagining the way John Lennon did. “Imagine all the people living life in peace. I know you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.” The message lives on if we keep imagining. Imagine all the people…

Until tomorrow…

 

 

Fine sand and fuzz…

Peace.meThere will be few words tonight. Not sure what the cause is, but that fuzzy brain thing seems to be happening again. I know, eh? It’s becoming common. Anyway, writing coherently isn’t possible so I’ll keep my musings short.

I did get out today. I walked for hours. The sun helped make a bitter wind palatable, and yeah, even did some yoga on the beach. The fuzz had me there, too. True, I’ve still a lot going on, stuff that needs sorting and the desire to get it done is strong. That’s when I end up at odds with everything, and it’s exhausting. Perhaps that is what makes the fuzz. But I created my world and so must take responsibility for it. There are things I must do. Period.

Today, as I wandered across the sand and breathed deep the healing salt air, I felt questions rising up. They weren’t the healthy constructive kind, rather they were the ones that come when you’re feeling ‘less than’. For you who read regularly, you know this is a common issue for me and while I’m more confident now than when I started the re-do, old habits die hard. A wish for a knight to ride up and rescue me is ridiculous and not the kind of helpful wishes I write about here. Still, the desire is floating in my head. Is it the full moon or the need to have a home? Dice toss, methinks.

So, I’m regretting my restlessness today. Had I stayed put and focussed my talents, I might still have a home, a career, and feel myself worthwhile. Then again, I might be craving the road and the freedom I’ve experienced the last five years.

Anywho, still fuzzy, but will tell you, the wish tonight’s been on my mind. The quote below from Suzanne Farrell speaks to what I’ve realized about myself. I spent a good portion of my life wishing I was somewhere else, wishing ‘things’ were different, wishing people were different. I need to work on that, to change that. Awareness of it helps, but it’s a tough one. Regardless, it’s for another day.

“It’s ungrateful to be wishing you were doing something else at the moment you are living. You haven’t lived in the moment that you are really living, you are wishing you were somewhere else.”

Until tomorrow…