Lots of tears today each blending with the rain – steady and soft. I hinted last night in my post that something was going on and while I’ve still no clear idea what that ‘something’ is, the tears are a sign that something needs recognition, maybe even release. The latter is where I am stymied.
There’s much talk around me of late about releasing stuff. I am not sure I buy the generic notion. Maybe it’s not been properly explained to me, or perhaps I’m not able to do it so choose to poo-poo it. Maybe, but it’s not likely either of those reasons. It’s likely more to do with a line of thought I’ve pondered for a while which suggests expunging isn’t necessary. Balance, on the other hand, is. Without it, we might be spinning some, if not all, of our wheels.
When it comes to feelings, I am still stuck on the recognition bit, first and foremost. What I feel, I feel for a reason. I’ve a real concern that I will push out or reject, repress or resist something of value if I ignore or dispose of even the worst feelings. That’s not to say I dwell on the hard and painful ones. On the contrary, I try not to wallow or move in with them anymore. Rather, these days, I acknowledge them and then calmly see if I can figure out what’s going on. If there’s no immediate insight, I give them their due and then gently try to find a feeling that is sweeter. It might take time – an hour or a couple of days- but eventually I do feel better. I think we all do this in varying degrees. However, when we feel better, have we released the emotion that caused us trouble, or have we merely out-distanced it? Only time will tell, really, which leads me to believe that we do not release anything. It is all part and parcel of our human condition and as such, glorious. Elevated, enlightened, or aware? Certainly not all of it, not now, not yet, but glorious nonetheless.
In recognizing and acknowledging the crap I do not forego my desire to be a more compassionate, kind, and generous person. I still practice giving pause before speaking and catching my mind when criticizing unjustly. But there is no actual release for me. There is only growth, and the joy brought by small successes. Those “successes” are the result of my choices. I have free will, you see, as do you. And I can choose to see the good or deem something as bad. My wish is that I keep striving to choose harmony, peace, love, and forgiveness and my thinking is moving me to believe that nothing is “bad”. Bold statement? Yes.
This idea about nothing being bad is the line of thought I mentioned above. Of course it’s controversial and I’ve not fleshed out an argument for it. Currently, it’s merely a pervasive idea. I also do not know if it has a life of its own or what its limits are. What I do know is that it has some merit especially when it comes to how we perceive ourselves. Also, it is, after all, only a word. But if I were to say to you that my anger was an ill-thought choice, or a mistake for which I ask forgiveness of self and any who might have felt its sting, would it be different than if I called myself bad because I got angry? Would you call me a bad person if my anger roared at you? You might want to retaliate by throwing something at me. Is that bad, or is it a natural defense for which you can choose to follow through or instead, quickly assess the situation and decide to walk away? Semantics? Perhaps, but it can go much deeper.
Of course there is black and white. We’ve created it. We’ve also created night and day. It’s our constructed reality. Are they right or wrong, good or bad? No. They are part of the whole until out of balance. Equalized, we see only their supreme, omniscient purpose. IF that is what we choose to see. In my case, I am choosing to seek a balance in which life flourishes – in which I flourish. Enough said for now.
As we approach a full moon in this hemisphere on the summer solstice no less, my wish must be for balance. The natural world struggles to maintain it, righting itself when unimpeded. We can certainly do the same. True, we have created dense obstacles and formidable barriers in many cases and must find out what they are and then the best way through or around them in order to reset our equilibrium, but we are capable. Together and in solidarity we can return to love, find our way in the darkest night, and in the end shine as brightly as the stars from which we come.