Not in a china shop…

CattleWhat a day of contrary. I did not run the gamut of emotions at all, still there were some highs and lows both motioning me forward inch by inch primarily. That was good, of course. The contrast rests in a feeling of being static. Not an unknown feeling by any stretch, but strange at this point. Inexplicable for the most part.

I watched a wonderful animated movie today which triggered a visceral response from me contributing to those jumping emotions. It was a story of seeking whatever it is that makes you feel connected and more complete. That is instinctual, I think. I feel connected here in England and felt it once when in a relationship. I can’t honestly say whether I felt it when little because it was too long ago. There were times I felt it when making a home for my girls. Generally, however, I’ve only resonated to a place but remain slightly envious of those whose bonds with friends or family run deep. Perhaps when it comes to people, I am not able to trust. How could I believe another human being would want to commit to building any kind of life with me in their lens?

To that end, I’ve constructed my life. Today I became aware of this path I’ve laid out for myself and feel it needs to change. How? I’ve no idea but the desire is there so the opportunities will present themselves. I just have to be up to the task of accepting what comes. Hmm. Opening myself up to that degree of change is humongous. Am I up to it? I’m not sure but willing to try.

So I was rolling all of these revelations around in my brain when I headed off to yoga tonight. I was a couple of minutes behind so wanting to hurry. Now, keep in mind that hurrying on a single track road is not a wise course of action, nevertheless, I was sailing along until about a mile or so from the main road. At that point, a truck came by and because there was a car behind me, the truck backed up to the lay by so we could get by. Just as I was inching past the black SUV, I noticed the hedgerow behind the vehicle moving. Out popped a bull. Well I’ll be! The truck moved on but neither I nor the fellow behind me could move as the bull raced ahead on the narrow road. Suddenly, out came a dog and a frantic farmer both racing after the harried beast. The dog succeeded in turning the bull around but then the poor farmer yelled, “Back up! He’ll wreck your car!!” OMG. Okay, the dude behind me isn’t moving back. I’m stuck but thankfully, fate intervened and the poor bull threw himself back through the hedgerow a few feet from me, disappearing into the field. Well, well. Off to yoga then!

I’ve no idea what, if anything, today’s events have to tell me expect that I seem to be experiencing some wild and crazy things here and to date, remain unscathed. Life’s wonderful and certainly interesting.

So tonight I’d like to make a wish for trust. I knew before today that I’ve issues around trusting, but have the clarity and focus to accept and learn about those issues now with a view to correcting the so-called issues. Trusting others is a big one for many of us. Too often we come to relationships with so much baggage, suitcases chockablock with expectations, agendas, and needs. Goodness knows we set up others to fail all too often. But I have had people help me, bail me out, stand by me, and boost me up. That I cannot do it for myself is most often the real problem. But if I start deepening my own integrity and trusting that I am an okay person worthy of love, then maybe I’ll be able to trust others will want to hang with me. That would be nice. Dinner anyone?

Until tomorrow…


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