A Rainbow Message

Hello friends! 

I’m out tonight running errands in the rain and thinking of things, most of which will wait till another time. I’m without my computer, talking to you from my phone. It sounds so personal, doesn’t it? Anywho, I’m enjoying the wifi at Boston Pizza along with a vegan Mediterranean pasta dish. Heaven. And speaking of heaven, remember yesterday’s post about rainbows? Well, the picture tonight is of one that greeted me as I rounded the corner on the way to get some groceries last night. Amazed? I was. I took it as a sign, a sign that I’m okay and doing exactly what needs doing. And makes me believe that my relationship with myself is on a good course. 

My wish tonight is for rest. Resting isn’t a skill in this modern era. We term it “laziness” when folks keep ahead of stress by resting. Relaxation is a gift brought to the meditator and with it comes clarity of mind and spirit. You do not meditate without being at rest. So can I have an ohm, please? 🙂

Until tomorrow…

Outside and In…

RainbowColour might be thought an antithesis to depression. Art tends to depict the “illness” in shades of grey fading into black. In my experience, that’s pretty accurate. Of course, there’s so much more to it. There is the numbness. Stick a knife in me, I won’t feel it! There is the forgetfulness. Yesterday? What happened yesterday? Simple tasks become complex. How do I put on that shoe? And inside, in our hearts, a relentless weight presses down, promising to crush us. Our burden is the sorrow, each and every ache, of a million persecuted souls. Therein grows the darkness. It is the veil knitted by frustration, of not knowing how to eradicate horror, poverty, and violence. Of standing helpless in the face of suffering. How do I take away your pain?

It’s odd. Paradoxical actually. Depressives behave badly, selfishly many would say, despite caring so very deeply. Are we lashing out, raging against feelings of ineptitude amidst the inner chaos? Maybe. Likely. There is no excuse. Meanness, neglect, judging, and blaming cannot be justified. These actions only make matters worse, alienating us further from our deepest desires. Worse still, by taking on the plight (or perceived plight) of another we are avoiding dealing with our own. Not the best use of our time, really. I guess that’s where forgiveness comes back into the picture. Forgiving my trespasses helps me love more fully. Tall order? Indeed, but oh so colourful, yes?

I am deeply grateful my eyes are eager to devour all the colours of the season in my new surroundings. They struggle to find bright hues when gazing inward, but wait patiently because they know the brush of my imagination wants to paint with the whole rainbow, but not leave out the shadows. After all, they exist because of light. You might say I’m finding a balance between the dark and light. It feels good and I’ll let these feelings wash over me so I can recall them if and when I might need to in the future.

It’s raining again today. I will head out later regardless of weather. For now, I’m content to stay put and write to you. The house is warm, dry, and peaceful. Coffee is percolating. I’ve been loaned a decent blender so can relish the nutrient dense breakfast smoothies I’m addicted to. (Oops, never mentioned those!) I’m now in possession of a brand new comforter and sheets for the little bed, along with a brand spanking new can opener, fry pan and two pots, cutlery and a super-efficient microwave. I’m getting used to the bed and my surroundings and with the extra coverage supplied by the comforter, I’m sleeping restfully. I feel rather spoiled, or better, blessed in this moment. Quite blessed, and filled with gratitude.

Years ago I religiously downloaded my favourite tunes to my computer’s hard drive. Any and all music that inspired or thrilled me in some way makes its home there. I’ve about two thousand files and because I’ve no outside influences here like radio etcetera, I’m playing this music like never before. Can I say without exaggeration it is heavenly? Yep, I just did.

And with that, here comes the sun, so I must make my way out to post this and then spend time on the book. I so love writing to you – a beautiful distraction it is – but I must get on with the other promise I’ve made which is to finish my novel while I’m here. OH, and there’s the next blog topic! I really didn’t give addiction its due but I kind of get why and will deal with those reasons in due course. Anywho, I’d almost forgotten but think I know what I want to focus on. How about relationships? I can feel that twist in my gut which means there’s resistance to the subject so best confront it then. Relationships it is.

And to you all, my wish is for sunshine when it rains. The meteorological phenomenon resulting from this is a rainbow. Folklore and myth is rife with tales of their magic. They are caused by reflection, refraction, and dispersion of light on water. Imagine it. We star-particle beings, are formed with water. Those cells that make us up are chockablock with H2O and without it, we would cease to be. Water and light. Rainbows outside and inside. Phenomenal.

Until tomorrow…

Holding…

HappyMy blogs will become even more haphazard until I get this connectivity issue resolved. I am working on it, believe it or not, but everything I purchase now, from groceries to bus tickets must be weighed and measured carefully while I wait for that lottery win I’m expecting any day now. In the meantime, I’ll deliver what I wrote yesterday at some point today. This one, well, maybe tonight, or tomorrow AM. There’s so much happening, you see, and because of that I really want to talk to you. I want to tell you what’s going on, how amazing it is to be living in the mountains, how frightened I am (still) about my future, and how kind strangers can be. I want to tell you how words are piling up around me, directing and guiding me as they form sentences that tell stories; my stories. The words nag me to write them out so you’ll know, too, and so that maybe we can have a conversation. I want to ask you about next steps, and read your advice, cherishing each word. Maybe you’ll berate me gently, and then tell me all will be okay; or maybe you’ll tell me how you climbed out of a hole once, and how good you felt when the sun kissed your cheek.

I really want to talk to you. There is so much going on!

Yesterday’s mood lingers. The darkness hovers on the edge of each scene, on the border of every thought. My belly churns and then settles. Tears are at the ready. But, I’m okay. Oddly, being in a home again all by myself is cathartic. Surprised? Don’t be. It’s more my normal than all this shared space experience of the last few years. And, I am best on my own, mostly. I can relax. You see, when I’m around other people I make assumptions. I assume they expect me to be, or to do, or to say, something. Thing is, I haven’t a blessed clue what that “something” is. I’ve no idea what they want me to be, or to do, or to say and it makes me so nervous that my body tingles. Or maybe I do know what they want and am inclined to reject it. Have I always been like this, inept at responding to social cues, interpreting unspoken messages in my head and too confused or frightened to respond? I believe so.

We all ‘send’ silent messages. God knows I sure used to and still, on occasion, do. Those who make body language a study can interpret far better the meaning behind the words. And then there are those “empaths” who feel the meaning behind words or actions. Of course, none is an exact science and heaven knows, we need to be able to keep some secrets especially when we simply don’t know what our response should be, or how we want it to be. I mean, thankfully we’re not perennially unaware and able to gauge ourselves accordingly. As for me, I’m not so confident and need time to prep which means a fair bit of down, alone time. Hence, this house stay is needed.

My wish tonight is that we strive to be open, happy with ourselves, and able to feel safe whatever our situation or surroundings. It’s so easy to misunderstand motives and actions, easy to put our assumptions on another. Without knowing for sure, we can assume we are being slighted or wronged when that might not be the case. It’s best to make the effort to be direct when possible, take responsibility for our own actions, and work toward happiness.

Until tomorrow…

Back From Black…

Colours.jpgThere is so much going through my brain. It’s exhausting! Thank heavens for meditation. Usually I’m pretty mindful, too, but presently I’ve got to be conscious of it. In other words, I have to work at it. My innards are like a kaleidoscope, whirling and turning. I don’t know how else to describe it, though that sums it up well enough. A swirling, jumbled mass of movement. At least it’s colourful.

Thankfully, my outside world is filled with a more ordered array. The grey concrete streets are bordered by deep green boulevards dotted with bright yellow dandelions. Wild cherry, white and pure, buttery dogwood, redbud and apple tree blossoms delight. Azaleas in full bloom, rhododendrons ready to follow suit, daffodils stand beside tulips, and everywhere else, from my neighbour’s willow to the numerous maples, trees are erupting in every shade of green. I’m happy about this new life and must concentrate my energies on renewal, which reminds me. Yesterday, as I walked to the café, an eagle soared above me close enough to touch. Okay, well not that close, but I could see its eyes!

The owner arrives today to kit up the house. So far, I’ve made due rather well. I’ve a single bed that’s slightly more comfortable than the floor, a fitted sheet, one pillow and case, a child’s sleeping bag that is too small, lots of towels, and one lonely dishcloth. There was dish detergent and Mr. Clean left in the kitchen and I was pleased about the rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom. I look forward to a proper comforter for my little bed and the pure luxury of a washer and dryer. A pot and pan and some more cutlery would be ideal, too. I can do without the microwave she’s promised, but if she has it, I’ll enjoy it.

She’d written the house needed cleaning and that she would take care of it this weekend. I’ve done it, needless to say. It was quite clean actually. Nothing a good dust and wipe of the floors couldn’t take care of. In the initial ad, there was mention of some yard work. There is no lawnmower, no tools of any kind in the shed, and after seeing the state the lawn is in, I’m hopeful she’ll decide to hire it out. The yard is big and awkward so I’m keeping my fingers crossed she’ll pass on purchasing all the stuff I’d need, and put the cash toward a professional. I’ll let you know.

These distractions are good for me today. In my last post I said I was down but that regardless of my mood, I’d “get up”. I’ve done as promised and am soldiering through the day so far. Those feelings did not abate with sleep so I remain a bit blue. Today’s mood is familiar, though and so I’ll acknowledge the existence of difficult emotions without letting them get a grip. However, they are strong.

A depressive’s mind is a dark and sorrowful place mostly. It is not an evil place, but rather it’s a subjectively pessimistic realm where beauty is watched from a distance. All the colour, all the great and glorious magic of this universe exists, but can only be accessed by others. A depressive is not worthy of any of it. They can only see it, never touch or hold it. Today, vivid memories of that place bring with them a staggering amount of pain.

The “me” that recalls that contrary place is delicate and shaky. I hold vulnerability as a shield against feelings of shame and regret. I can barely muster the courage to defy the old voices that want me to believe my life has been a folly having neither given nor received love. They laugh at my belief in dreams and wishes telling me they are absurd and, like me, superfluou

I can feel her intensely, the “me” of memory that lived in that world. She was lonely and misunderstood. She overflowed with an invisible compassion for all of life, but especially the marginalized and disenfranchised. She harboured an immeasurable desire to give and receive love. But the darkness swallowed her, swallowed all of her.

Today, as I speak with her, the “me” of memory, I want her to know she is forgiven. I want her to feel she can forgive herself. She cannot make right, she cannot relive, she cannot redo. She can only forgive and try to live in the light of this moment, in the light that takes full responsibility her life and places no blame. Oh, and I want her to give herself a piece of that love she felt so deeply for others. She deserves it. We all do.

My wish for you all today is that you remember your beauty, your child-like innocence and purity. No matter what has unfolded over time on your journey that singular sacredness remains. Look for it. Hold it. Cradle it and let yourself return to the place of co-creation that brought you here. Just for a second, let yourself feel it. Breathe it in deeply. It is a place of infinite possibility. It is Love and, as always, it is the healer, the balm, and the answer.

Until tomorrow…

Addicted…

Streets.jpgWell, not having easy access to Internet is killing me. I have to hike a bit to get it and the walking is doing me a world of good of course, but the new surroundings are distracting and you know me and my penchant for distractions. I have to settle in, though; establish a routine. I’ve been here since Monday night so the clock ticks steadily, relentlessly marking my time. It cares nothing about my needs despite any protestations. I just have to get focussed and do what I said I would do here which is finish the book. I am determined! But tonight I’m all about the blog because I realised today how quickly (and easily) I strayed from this month’s topic.

I’ve an addiction I can’t own. Until I do I fear it will plague me. Someday I’ll gather the courage to talk about it or maybe I should not talk about how much I’ve hurt myself. Instead, maybe I should forgive myself and move on. In this moment, although there is shame, I can tell myself I am valuable and worthwhile despite my weakness. I can say how much I love my mind and my body and that I am as determined to continue to do so as I am to finish “On the Seventh Day”. If I fall down, I simply need to get up.

Ending this post on that note of ‘getting up’ would make sense, but I’ve a couple of thoughts to share with you all before I wrap up.

Wandering around in the sun today, trying to lock down a spot to write and looking for advice regarding an internet connection, my heart became heavy. I am so very small in this place of mountain peaks and ancient forests. I have come from a place with the smallest roads to one with the widest streets I’ve ever seen. I’m told one reason for their size is to accommodate the massive logging trucks, but I don’t know if that’s true. All I know is I find the scale of the roads disconcerting. Their pale grey emptiness is a challenge for me. Of course, some people would love it.

Most wanderers plan ahead. They map out their journey from beginning to end. With a single mind and committed belief in my vision, I headed off several years ago with a somewhat open-ended plan, never dreaming I would find myself here. I am quite terrified, if truth be told. No doubt, I have proved my resourcefulness and ability to step off travelling into the void, but these adventures people persist in saying I’m on, are not what I’d recommend. And yet, it’s my life. I have to own it and if it’s not working for me, I need to change it.

So, to that end, my wish tonight is to return to my temporary abode and get some rest. I’ll likely have a profound cry before falling asleep and in the morning, regardless of how I feel, I’ll get up and try to make sense of a life that right now, quite rightfully, feels non-sensical. But it’s all okay. I’m breathing, and I have shelter. The sun is shining still and Mount Arrowsmith’s fog has lifted showing off its snowy white peaks. It will watch over me tonight.

Until tomorrow…

Arriving…

ArrowsmithI wrote most of this 3 days ago. It’s taken me 3 whole days to get find a quiet spot with Wi-Fi so I could post it.

Sitting in the arrivals area at an almost deserted ferry station has me thinking about all the different ways we travel and how cities and towns arrange to transport people where they want or need to go. The island I’m currently on is 4xs smaller than England, for example, with less than ¾ million people compared to the 53+ million England purports to have. Travelling around Europe is fairly easy with a variety of ways available to get you from point A to point B. Ground transport can be more be costly than airfares which are beyond reasonable. Recall my 10 pound ticket to Ireland? Here, however, it’s the opposite with the cost of air travel being steep. In fairness, though, Canada’s population is small compared to other parts of the world and the country, vast. In fact, that I can get to where I’m heading via public transportation at all, is a gift.

Ah, it appears another ferry has arrived. The taxi cabs lining up was a first clue. People are making their way out the automatic doors marked “Do Not Enter” toward the parking lot. Some are carrying those luscious blended drinks from that coffee company (ahem) making me even hungrier than I am. I skipped breakfast figuring I’d have a chance to eat along the way but I’ve not done so. My mind is drumming up pictures of smoothies and mixed lettuce salads. Hopefully I’ll find some place to eat once in town. It shouldn’t be long now. As if on cue, I see my bus pulling into the parking lot. After a look at my ticket, the driver takes my bags and I board.

The hour and half ride takes us through some pretty spectacular scenery supplied in part by the Vancouver Island Range, a sub-range of the Insular Mountains. As we climb, the wilderness closes in but as we begin the descent, I can see what will be my neighbour for the next few months, Mount Arrowsmith. At almost 6000 feet, she is still snow covered. I’m happy about the views because the town itself is not particularly pretty. Hopefully I’ll find other redeeming qualities about it soon, but at first glance it looks as tired as I feel.

So, tomorrow will be busy enough getting settled in. As for right now, I need some food and a good night’s sleep. I’m still struggling with time zones and which side I’m on, but that will sort itself soon enough.

My wish tonight is for happy travels where ever you might be going. Whether it’s to the grocery store or the Isle of Capri, it matters not. Take your time. Breathe deeply. Enjoy. Be present in the moment. Life is a glorious and good thing most of the time. Travel with it rather than against it. That is a key to happiness.

Until tomorrow…

Accept

DeepCoveThis last move took a toll on me. In spite of it all, I feel good and I’m happy. Seeing my beautiful western daughter and sweetest pea of a granddaughter in this diverse city with its awe inspiring views and fresh mountain air is a blessing, but I’m worn out. Not physically, oddly, but in every other way. Today, I realised I’ve been holding a lot of resistance over having to leave England. The realisation helped bring my energy up a bit which is maybe why I’m writing tonight. I’ve just been too tired since leaving Ireland. In fact, the last attempt was in the restaurant at my hotel in Calgary. The post would have been decent, too, but I somehow deleted it which is what I get for working on my phone. Anywho, it’s all okay. In fact, it’s all more than okay and I’ve remained calm, cool, and even a bit collected. What’s missing is the inclination to write. Thankfully, stories are lining up in my head. It’s just that even now it’s a struggle to put something down. I’m not concerned, though, because the wheels are turning and ideas crystallising. The break, however brief, might actually be working some magic for me.

My wish tonight is for unconditional acceptance. This is a tough one. When things are not what we want them to be, when people are not as we expect them to be, we redefine them in our mind. We say “If only they would drink less, quit smoking, do this, or do that, they would be happier, better.” Hm. Maybe they would be, but it’s us that would be happier because we are displeased by their actions. We are judging, not accepting the person without placing conditions on them and by default, us. If I truly love another person, I love them exactly as they are in that moment. Period. Yep, unconditional is tough but if I expect to be loved as I am, I’d better start trying to return the favour.

Until tomorrow…

 

It’s All You Need…

LovedMore promises broken. Drat. Oh well, it cannot be helped. I have to get from point A to point B and while there are some long layovers, to promise any posts would be wrong. So, I will sign off until the 16th or 17th. Of course, I’ll not be idle and who knows, maybe after a brief break, I will be absolutely inspired. One can only hope.

Tonight, as always, I have a wish. This one is big. It is the alpha and the omega of wishes, with no omega because it is everlasting. It goes on, and on, and on. It is the driving force, the single purpose, and the purest intention. It is the heart’s desire, the reason for human beings to be. It is Love. I wish you oodles of it. I wish it to come at you from the pit of your stomach, from each beat of your heart, and each breathe that you take. I want you swimming in it, receiving all the gifts of it as if through osmosis. And when you are saturated, full to the brim and about to explode, let it go. Give it away.

Until tomorrow…

Plans…

PortAlberniA lot can change overnight. A lot can change in an instant. Time, eh? When I left Canada, determined to reside in England, it was early winter, 2015. I knew I’d return, I just couldn’t say when having to turn over my passport and all. Eight weeks ago, I was escorted through Gatwick Airport by a pleasant, chatty immigration officer whose job it was to escort me to the other side of security before handing back said passport. The Home Office had decided I didn’t deserve residency and so I had to leave the UK. I felt displaced and resented everything that was happening. The only reprieve for me was a bright, welcoming place to stay not too far away.

Ireland had never been on my radar, but coming here felt easy, not to mention close. My UK daughter and my wonderful friends were just a short flight, or ferry ride away. Of course, I’ve not seen any of them since I’ve been here, but that’s understandable. I hadn’t planned to leave any more than they had considered planning a trip to Eire. But it’s all good. I’ll be gone in less than two days.

So, I wrote yesterday that while a move was imminent, there was no solid plan. That’s all changed. I now have a ticket, a gracious and kind early morning escort to the airport, and a few accommodations booked and waiting for my arrival. The first one is a very affordable room for two nights. I knew full well that after preparing to leave and then travelling for 32 hours, I’d need to relax and decompress. Are you asking yourself where I’m going that it takes that long? I sort of gave you a hint. Anywho, it’s not distance as much as time. The best rates often are so because layovers are mixed in. That doesn’t bother me. I’m just very happy I could buy a ticket at all.

My final destination is a house sit in picturesque village. I’ll be settled for 3 1/2 months or so but busy making plans. Can I execute them all? Only time will tell.

My wish is that any habits, patterns, or practices holding you back, keeping you down, or making you feel yucky, be released or transformed. I wish that we all see and consciously choose to rise above what restricts us and keeps us from feeling free. We can, you know. We just have to believe.

Until tomorrow…

Islands in Storms…

PackingPacking in earnest today though I still do not know where I’m going. There’s been no ticket bought, no room rented. There is no plan. The only thing I know for certain is that a move is imminent and that this is the first time I’ve never had a place to go. It’s exciting and terrifying but I’ll happily not ever go through this again and that means I need to do some major tweaking.

Let’s assume I’ve been addicted to drama most of my life. Let’s also assume the uncertain situation I find myself in currently is related to that addiction for histrionics even though I’m not addicted to them anymore. How so? Well, whatever you focus your energy and thought on, builds momentum toward that end, but with me being generally all over the map about so many things, confusion reigns. The more I try to calm down, the more chaos seems to enter my world. But, what if I’m actually being shoved and pushed and prodded toward something I’ve asked for?

I’ve said on more than one occasion, “I did not ask for this”, but in point of fact, I probably did. What’s happening in apparently random fashion could well be a series of highly coordinated events to get me where I wanted to go and deliver what I asked for. I just am not quite there yet. But getting there is delivering plenty of drama. All old patterns still in the loop.

Maybe I should have been more specific about requests. I sure try to be clear now, let me tell you. But, then again, maybe we’re just not evolved enough yet to manifest smoothly. Whatever the case, the mission before me now is to focus every ounce of energy, and most every single thought, on resolving the two primary problems facing me so I can put an end to what I’m going though as quickly as possible and head off in a different direction, preferably one that is better planned. I also see a home in my present life. Home sweet home.

One thing that will surely help is this blog. I am forced to examine my process, and lately I realise I am still all over the place. It’s okay in some respects. I am who I am, but living like this is not reasonable. Further, I can’t be of much service to anyone or anything when I’m always in flux. It keeps the drama alive, too.

My wish tonight is for clarity and a bit of magic. I asked specifically for a gift today. I prayed and my words were precise. My meditation was uplifting and I sent intentions during it. No matter what happens to me, one thing remains constant. I believe. In the midst of uncertainty I do not doubt that I can cope with any situation. I will discover my options. I believe.

Until tomorrow…