Today, I’m multi-tasking. My focus usually stays solely on the writing at hand but currently I find myself typing while simultaneously sending out a request for assistance into the blogosphere and each fibre of my being. I trust the answer, advice, and support needed is on its way because they always are. I’m just not always available to accept delivery. That’s the tough bit.
The gracious among you who read my blog with some regularity know a lot about me. You do not know everything, of course. Like you, I have private thoughts. And, like you, some of my fears and exploits are difficult to discuss. Hence, they escape detection. Occasionally, I try to describe trickier aspects of myself, but intense feelings and reactions are not easily explained. And, that’s alright. I’m more aware of heavier emotions generally but am coping more constructively with them since redoing, which is good. That was the point, after all, even if I wasn’t absolutely sure what to expect when I started out.
Redo 365 began with a romantic idea based on a bunch of well-intentioned action words and some high-flying theories. There was no plan and I knew it, even if I would have been loath to admit it. Furthermore, since I’m ‘fessing up, I didn’t even know how to map out a plan. I’d blown in the wind with a modicum of success, resisting the urge to nail things down, most of my life. It was all I knew. So, no strategies were devised about how to implement any of the promises I made, either.
Looking back, it’s pretty obvious I didn’t have a clue what I was on about. And golly, was I ill-prepared to get in the ring with long-held patterns! But, here’s the surprisingly brilliant thing. I’m in that ring now waving my arms in the air and bouncing around like Muhammad Ali. I managed to keep my promises, and when the bell rang, I was declared the winner. No matter how vague, naïve, or inexperienced I was, I was determined to change. And change, I have.
Owning one’s life, which means choosing to take full responsibility for all of it, isn’t a popular practice. It’s easier to point fingers and tell ourselves we are powerless in this world, manipulated like puppets by interventionist gods or arbitrary governments, bosses, parents, and so on. Myths about the balance of power are plentiful and because every culture perpetuates them, finding evidence to prove the notion that sovereignty isn’t available to ordinary folks isn’t hard. But I’m not buying those stories anymore. I’m no victim.
Paying close attention to certain voices has been especially important these last years. Hearing from ancient ones kept me steady and hopeful when I was neither. Hildegard von Bingen is one such voice. Hers reminds me that the world has always been filled with radical thinkers. The German visionary portrayed humans as “living sparks of love coming as daylight comes from the sun.” Like all mystics, Hildegard saw harmony in creation and the place of women and men in that. However, her view of unity was not apparent to many of her contemporaries, and 900 years later, nothing much has changed except now her writings are discoverable by those who share her view. And there are thousands who do.
True enough, I’m not completely free or living exactly as I dream despite my “win”. It’s okay, though, because I know I’m moving exactly as I’m meant to move. I am grateful for what was and am ready to embrace whatever comes. I’ve learned the difference between being blown in the wind and being blown by the wind.
My wish today is that we see ourselves as Hildegard saw us. As “living sparks”. Coming as daylight comes from the sun, we can shine light into our own hearts and lives. From there, I believe anything and everything is possible. I believe in magic. Shine on.