It is January 1, 2019 and my nose is bleeding. It tends to happen when the weather turns. Something to do with dry heat inside and frigid temps outside, I think. I can’t be sure since I’ve not had anyone with a pedigree examine me. No matter. My epistaxis hasn’t ever disrupted much or ruined a good white blouse. The blood doesn’t gush. I don’t pass out or anything. A bit of moisture gently applied usually does the trick. Neti potting helps, too.
Today was a bit different since it happened at a restaurant. A friend was passing through town and wanted to meet up for a catch up. We did both and were enjoying ourselves. I didn’t explain why I took so long in the toilet after eating, but suggested to myself while in there that I’d best address this recurring thing. Of course, I’ll not follow-up, but at least I set out some kind of intention to do so.
When it came time to leave and head to our respective transit stops – hers being different than mine – I helped carry one of her two bags. After a block and a bit, I casually mentioned that man had, some time ago, managed to design and attach tiny wheels to luggage and that these little wheels made moving heavy bags a breeze. She smiled sweetly while telling me to fuck off, then gave me a warm hug goodbye before disappearing beneath the city’s street to catch her train. I, much lighter and once again able to stand up straight, ran to catch my ride which was just pulling up.
The trip home from downtown takes about 30 minutes. The bus was only partially full and I had a single seat so was left happily alone. It gave me time to reflect on the afternoon chats, the holiday so far, and my nose. A few strong waves of revulsion rolled over me. I couldn’t help but wonder if this repugnance – a feeling that had been around since early morning– had anything to do with my bleeding nose. Probably not, but linking the stuff made some sense to me.
By the time the bus reached my stop, I’d made some decisions that felt good. None of them had anything to do with my nose.
My wish tonight is this: Don’t sweat the small stuff but if there’s something or someone unsettling you, don’t pretend it’s okay and whatever you do, reserve stewing for food preparation. Talk out your issues with a confidante whose opinions you trust, but check in with your feelings. Discerning is great, but trust your gut, too. Always seek resolution for that crap you’re feeling, just ensure the route you choose feels good. It’s a must and while it might not stop the cold, dry air from making your nose bleed, it will make your heart and mind breathe easier.