Some of you might be wondering how things are going for me these days. I posted quite a few blogs in the past months with a woe is me theme discussing concerns the least of which was my possible homelessness. I will not make light of my situation even now. It was extreme and it did reach the boiling point. One day, my bank account finally went red. Panic rose fast and then, just as quickly, dissolved. After all, there was nothing I could do but what I was doing, which was trying my damnedest to address the problem. So, I let the chips fall, smiled and breathed deep and, to my delight, the world did not end.
Redo 365 was about getting real, coming out of the shadows, and looking squarely at myself in the light. These last eighteen months, give or take, have been the final test of that resolution. Hiding was an option but there’d be no learning if I did that. I’m glad I went with honesty. It served me well alongside humility. I practised gratitude for it all, too, (everything from tongue-lashings to sleepless nights) and kept reaching out for advice and assistance. People pointed me in directions I would have neither thought of nor followed once upon a time, but I did not resist. My knowledge and awareness grew. I recognised a new practicality blossoming and an even deeper understanding and compassion. And then, I landed jobs – yes, plural – and they kept coming. Too many, actually. After months of nothing, I was suddenly working four part-time jobs. Two were soul-destroying so thank heavens others came along. I remained thankful for it all. When the fifth job materialized, it brought with it the motherlode. Once a dream, writing for a living was suddenly real. And, like the day my bank account bottomed out, I smiled and breathed.
This ‘dream’ is an enabler. My heart overflows with appreciation, but it is only the beginning. It is a contract job so the momentum gained pulling it to me has to be kept alive. That’s how attraction works. No surprises really because it’s not about some magical universe “out there” but rather connecting to, and aligning with, self’s source energy. It is a synchronistic fusing of elements which includes believing and allowing.
In the eighteen months mentioned, it took the best part of three months to find my feet in this city. Of course, the ground is not solid beneath me yet. And focussing on solutions instead of issues doesn’t come naturally to me, but it is a mindset I’m working to cultivate. Life patterns can be a bugger to change. I mean seriously, how many of us keep replaying even the gnarly ones? I’m reminded of that expression of Einstein’s that goes something like, “…repeating the same thing expecting different results.” Becoming aware that we’re doing it helps. Once we do, sloppy old habits can be replaced with helpful, constructive patterns. It just takes determination – lots of it. Looking back from my current vantage point, I can see that very clearly.
My days are visible to me now (which obviously includes large portions of my past) through a greatly restructured lens. And while I do not cling to the past, I do have regrets. I do not rest in them, bathe in the “what ifs”, but I do acknowledge the feelings respectfully. Regrets don’t feel nice. I’d prefer to feel differently so I try to find better feelings. And it’s becoming easier and easier to feel good.
My wish is that if you see a hill you cannot climb, you’ll close your eyes, click your heals and say “That’s a little hill and I can climb it easily.” Try it. Oh, and I’ll meet you at the top.