It’s another pensive day for me. Concentrating on editing is difficult because distractions keep coming in waves. But, they are more than distractions. There is an inspiration in the interruption. Trying to capture the essence of these fleeting thoughts is challenging, however. But despite an element of chaos, I’m finding a calm within, too. How odd.
Do you ever feel there is something just beneath the surface? You can’t put your finger on it, but you know it’s there. It’s an answer to a question or the solution to a problem. It’s something forgotten, a memory suppressed. It’s a message in a bottle that’s not yet come to shore. Well, that’s how I’m feeling. And it’s exciting if a tad frustrating. Exciting because what I sense is coming is direction and greater clarity. Frustrating because I want it now.
That’s what life is like, isn’t it? What we find exasperating is the waiting, wondering, or continuing to seek. When you have a few years under your belt, the clock ticks more loudly, I suppose, so impatience is natural. And yet, rushing an inspired notion is the surest way to kill it. No, there’s a process to revelation and it cannot be rushed.
Over the last few days, as I mentioned in my last blog, I’ve been facing myself in the mirror. I’ve seen some warts and thought, “Hmm, I need to come clean about a few things. Perhaps it’s time to own up and bring them forward.” But, as I write now, I realize some of the actions I consider despicable are merely human foible, missteps we all take. The impossibly high standards I set out, archetypes of performance I couldn’t live up to which resulted in me running and hiding, or cloaking myself in arrogant false bravado, were galvanised by fear of failure. And I did fail myself and others, but my actions were mostly derived from a child’s mind corrupted by both nature and nurture. However, that’s not what matters. What does matter is this: What I did and who I was is not as important as what I do and who I am. And knowing that means each day I have the chance to do things differently, learn from yesterday’s actions, and fill the life I’ve led, and continue to lead, with forgiveness, gratitude, and appreciation. By doing that, I manifest love and put myself on a more productive path. We all know I’ve some real-world, in-my-face needs, but hitting rock bottom and owning my life had to be done first. And I’m there. And I have. And guess what? I’m happy. I am loved. I have a roof and food. I have my wits and am still feisty enough to keep on keepin’ on.
My wish in the light of this glorious day is for enthusiasm. In this world of constant images from big screens, and little ones, and everything in between ones, our hearts and spirits are being tugged and pulled in a thousand directions. Our minds are being imprinted with horrific images of barbarism. Our intellects are deciphering terrifying messages of all kinds. We can enthusiastically seek out the best, not by ignoring or being apathetic to troubles and sorrows, but by choosing, enthusiastically, to believe we have a choice.