Looking back at me…

LookHello Friends!

The last few days I’ve been mulling around quite a few thoughts. Some of you have prodded suggesting I write more about this ‘ride’ I’m on, while others poked me about vlogging more. They want me to talk about the life of a 60 something who is not big on aging rhetoric, normalcy, or convention. All good, and I’m letting those suggestions gestate. But, on the other hand, I’ve been doing a lot of peeling – onion peeling. Lord knows how much I dislike onions, so I think I’d best start with the vegetable today and see where that takes me.

Whenever we start on any kind of exploration, surprises occur. The process implies “new” though, so one really shouldn’t be surprised at all. However, when I realized very recently that I was repeating a negative pattern, I was dismayed. I thought that crap was neatly composting with other waste. The initial plan, the redo I began over two years ago, was devised to expose habitual behaviours that weren’t working properly so I could change them. Ah, but here’s the thing. When you’ve done something for a long time, change might need to come in stages, especially if the practice is partially sub-conscious. Hence, the onion. Peeling one takes time. Furthermore, tears are shed. Eventually, though, you come to the end. You sigh, wipe your tears and enjoy a nice stew. Until the next time, of course.

I’m able to see my onions now. I feel I’m getting in tune with my emotions. For example, when I feel sick to my stomach, uncomfortable in any way, it’s because I’m doing something not aligned with my true nature and therefore, not in my best interest. But, I’m not talking about flashes of fear, or passing reactions, although they have their meanings, too. What I’m talking about is a lasting disquiet that persists despite attempts to calm yourself, or make yourself feel better. In my case, the experience of queasy unease is commonplace now, but it passes rapidly when I address it head-on. And that’s the peeling process. I’m still putting myself in jeopardy a fair bit because certain behaviours are deeply entrenched, almost involuntary in nature. The good thing is, I’m noticing. I’m becoming aware. Oh, and this is a big thing: It’s about me. It’s never about someone else’s attitude or issues or reactions or responses. Sure, others might be the trigger, but I’m firing the pistol. Not them. And this latter concept can be a bugger to get one’s head around. At least it’s proving so for me which is why I’m still peeling a lot of onions.

Accepting another into your space means allowing them to be themselves. When you react to someone you’ve invited in, it’s often because you’re expecting them to do, or say, or act in a way that pleases you; that makes you feel safe and secure. If their behaviour unnerves you, you might try to guilt them into coming around with, “I’m worried about you” or, “I couldn’t do what you’re doing, I think it’s crazy!” or the like. The thing is you’re not only judging them, you’re putting your angst, your fear of being out of control, onto them. These are your issues. Communicating how you feel can sometimes take the edge off misunderstandings, but if you continue to blame the other person for your feelings of frustration or stress; if you expect the other person to become something they are not, you’re setting yourself up for failure not to mention ringing the death knell for a healthy relationship. Plus, you’re not looking at yourself. You’ve forgotten that everyone is a mirror for you. You don’t have to like what you see, but the reflection is asking you to at least acknowledge it.

Standing in front of that mirror when you’re feeling vulnerable is tough. If you can find the strength to stay there and look carefully, however, you might just find the reward is worth the effort. I’ve been doing this the last couple of days and have learned quite a bit. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt these feelings before. I’ve felt helpless, put-upon, judged and misunderstood lots of time. Haven’t we all? So, why now and what’s the lesson? Well, there are several. Not casting dispersions in any direction – including mine – is a biggie. Not whining or complaining is another large lesson. But perhaps the biggest one comes in a few parts. It’s the lesson about manifesting what we most value.

  1. If I think small, then my world will be small.
  2. If I believe myself entitled, I will project that and consequently manifest responses and reactions from others accordingly. The reverse applies, too, if I think myself unentitled.
  3. Because I believe I place myself into every scenario, then I must accept that even the most difficult ones are teaching me what I need to learn.
  4. Lastly, if I really, truly, sincerely want to be my best self; a self who serves and loves, who strikes out with compassion and punches only with kindness, then at some point I must come to know that at any given moment I AM my best self.

My wish is for gratitude for sight. I’m not talking about one of the five senses, but more the kind of sight that accompanies insight, or foresight. Hindsight’s there, too. I wish to be grateful for those moments born of struggle when we finally “see” something clearly and yet, there’s nothing to see. We suddenly “know”. And that’s called embodiment. Once we “see”, when we have that ah-ha moment, the body knows. In that moment, we are ready to move on and set up new challenges. Oh, for eyes that truly see.

Until tomorrow…





One thought on “Looking back at me…

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