Breaking is never easy, but I’m broken today in a way I’d not expected to be. I’ve actually been feeling confident. Imagine. Not so now. My chest aches, my throat keeps constricting, and the tears I’d hoped had dried up for a bit, are back in torrential style. Of course, you’re asking “why?” and I can’t elaborate except to say someone surprised me with information I didn’t expect, and it has rocked me. Of course, with all that’s going on in the world, my angst is small and insignificant, but try to explain that to my mind and body as it struggles to eradicate memories and stem the tide of emotions. No matter what I do, without notice my concentration wanes, my stomach rolls, and I want to vomit. My head aches even when my heart isn’t, and I weep in public despite my best effort not to. I’m a mess. Pure and simple.
So, to that end, I am once again putting out a request to the collective for assistance. There’s been no lack of support for me so far, despite my obvious propensity for slipping into despair, so I know the help is there for the asking. But seriously, how long can I go on like this? I’m helping no one, least of all myself! My writing, my sleep, and my overall health is suffering.
I hear voices shouting, “Get your shit together, woman. Get off this wheel you’re riding!” And I agree. Wholeheartedly. But as much as I want to stop spinning, whatever it is that I’ve set in motion just keeps on keeping on. And, after yesterday, I can only assume I’m way too naïve to interact with people constructively, which hurts awfully and is a big part of the problem. Also, I didn’t see any of this most recent stuff coming my way. Seriously. But it’s here, and it’s rough – really, really rough. So, what’s the solution?
Right now, I’m too vulnerable to discern whether to use a fork or a spoon, so have to sit with what’s going on. My stomach turns just thinking about surrendering, but I have no choice. In the meantime, however, what I have to do is pack up again. I’ll be moving on within a couple of days. Where I’m going is still up in the air. I know where my heart longs to be, and that’s all I know at this point.
So, here’s my wish. I wish for my faith in LOA to bear fruit now. It is time for me to be fully present and in service. I require constancy, stability, and support to do so. Period. I also deserve it. We all do. Furthermore “I know I won’t fail because I am fighting for my dreams. I know what I want from life. And, I believe my dreams are possible, I have no fear.” (Reworked quote from Paulo Coelho.)