The temperatures are climbing again here. It’s been years since I’ve experienced heat like this. It’s also dry. I feel I might well be in Southern California instead of Canada’s mountainous west coast. When I first arrived, locals told me this was the hottest place in Canada over summer, but after a bit of research, I can’t verify that so assume it is myth. Nevertheless, the heat is ill-affecting this northerner. Some rain would help, but there’s no call for it in the immediate forecast. Without it there will most likely be a water ban. That written, fall is approaching.
So, I’m in another turbulent emotional state and I can’t blame the weather. Too many tears of late! If I’d been collecting them I could help bolster the City’s water supply. Then again, too salty. Anywho, today I’m ridiculously lonely. Have you ever found after being in the company of others you come away from the gathering feeling quite empty? I’m sure you have. And while it’s paradoxical in part, it’s also a reminder about connection and how extraordinarily rare it can be. Enriching encounters, the ones that fill you up, are uncommon. Just because you’re talking, it does not mean your heart is engaged with the banter. Even in a safe place amidst kind and attentive people, if your soul longs for the company of another, or if the conversation is uncomfortable at times, it is impossible to close the link and share completely. The resulting loneliness is okay, of course, and must be honoured, but it is important to understand the subtle and not so subtle reasons for its existence.
Some of the awareness of this came from reading a friend’s blog earlier. Susan Harris is an author and fellow blogger whose writing always touches me. Today, her topic was about the feeling of being used. She explains how a friend acknowledged using her. Susan, however, felt useful because her particular gifts assisted the woman. She did not feel any advantage was taken. Perception, yes? Also, when we do what we do for the right reasons, there is never a need to feel used, which is true of everything. My feelings are not anyone else’s responsibility. No one has “used” me or tossed me aside. I’m not “blaming” myself for my lonely condition, either. It just is what it is.
And so it’s okay to cry. It’s also okay to ask for relief. I’m doing both, but am not chasing a quick fix anymore for uncomfortable feelings that plague me. Of course, I agree with finding a better feeling place when down, but not before recognizing what’s going on and holding myself accountable. That process is finally bearing fruit for me. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve come a long way from where I was and because I can still feel absolutely fantastic and chockablock full of gratitude despite my current situation, I can attest to the process’s efficacy. It’s far from easy, though. Really, really far. Still, in the last few days, I’ve actually felt my heart open. Or maybe it’s pulling itself together after all the breaking it’s done lately and is just a bigger, improved model. Whatever the case, the result is that people I’ve viewed as contentious I suddenly see with love. They’re fighting their own wars. I can understand that, can’t I? And it feels good to drop my defenses. It feels even better to try to be kind. I suppose I’m continuing to awaken, as we all are.
I also believe the feeling that rises up eradicating shame and guilt is grace. Not grace in the Christian sense as a gift doled out by God, but rather the feeling that graces us when entering into a moment of enlightenment. It is born of surrender and is encouraged by the desire to accept and forgive yourself. It comes in unexpected ways and times. I wish I didn’t have to go through such extremes to get this grace, but it is what it is. And, I’m grateful for it.
This post is an odd one. Does it seem scattered to you? I started with an idea and it left me. That doesn’t usually happen. If and when the idea is meant to be shared, I’m certain it will come back to me, but it’s so uncommon that an idea leaves me once I start writing. Maybe I’m tired or maybe it’s the heat. It could also be that I’m heading into another emotional storm. No matter. I’ll survive. In the meantime, I’m becoming more focussed on what I need to manifest in my day to day life. Maybe I’ll get back to putting those desires in print. I’ve yet to win the lottery, for example, even though I know without doubt my name is in the list of winners. So, powers-that-be, announce it already. I’d like to buy a few groceries this week, among other things. And yes, I have a ticket.
I wish tonight for determination. When I started this journey 28 months ago, it was with a fair bit of grit. Several of the goals I set have been met in one fashion or other. But, some of the changes were unexpected and have tossed me off course. So, I am resolved to find my way back and get clear about what I need for my journey to continue. I’ve a few big hills yet to climb, perhaps, but I can do it. I’ve come too far to give up now! Wishes do come true. I remain determined in that belief. Care to join me?
P.S. Here’s a link to Susan’s blog. Wonderful reflections all. https://personaljourneyswithgramma.com