My night was filled with energy so sleep did not come. As blackness gave way to shapes and colours I released the desire to relax, inclined instead to accept fully an absolutely sleepless night. It was the first time in many years. In fact, I can’t recall when I last passed a night without getting so much as a wink. Anywho, let me share some of the flowers that appeared amidst the compost I was wading through in my sleepless state. While not exceptional revelations, they are noteworthy because they hold a key to transformation.
We are, as you know I believe, responsible for our lives alone. Certainly we touch others’ lives and must be held accountable, though. After all, we live in a society amidst other humans and flora and fauna. We owe it to the other to clear up misunderstandings whenever possible and must assume culpability for our carelessness or any damage we do, but that is part and parcel of maturity and authenticity. We must learn to communicate no matter how difficult, empathetically if possible. We must make restitution when necessary, and choose kindness always. But, and this is the big one for me which goes both ways, I cannot be held responsible for your emotion. And, “both ways” means, neither should you feel responsible for mine. If I choose to carry anger, resentment, worry, judgement or disgust rather than love, compassion and acceptance, it is my choice. By choosing those former emotions, I’m most likely blaming someone else for my feelings, too. Vicious circle, that, which of course means healing is impossible. But as you know, I’ve been doing a heap of breaking lately, but have chosen to mend myself with gold and platinum, diamonds and emeralds. Again, it is the stuff of transformation and I want to shine.
Because I am still editing my manuscript, its characters are often on my mind. Last night was no exception. In the wee hours they shared a few more secrets with me about their struggles and how they are working to overcome them. Through this “sharing” my recent chaos began to look different, more positive.
The ups and downs I experience regularly are mostly due to deeply embedded patterns – that makes sense. What my protagonist brought to my attention was the degree of subtlety. The reactions are habitual and as natural as breathing. Subconsciously driven. Wow. I’d not realized that. But now I can begin to address some of these almost intrinsic responses more adeptly. I asked myself if it’s really that easy. Probably not. The application of something that seems simple enough is often hard. Why is that? Well, it’s my opinion that it’s because we avoid. We are programmed to erase pain as quickly as possible by any means possible. If, however, we stand our ground, feel the onslaught, surrender to the devastation emotional storms can wreak on us, we will rise determined to return to joy.
For some time now, I have been aware that I do not need to carry anguish, sorrow, and pain any longer than is necessary. However, it is relative. If I cannot go to the depth the feeling is asking me to go to, it will linger and niggle. If I ignore it, pretend it is someone else’s problem, or if I make it bigger or smaller than it actually is, it will stick around. However, being an Awakened Woman means I am prepared to surrender to what is happening in the moment, knowing full well the grief, or anger, the sorrow or fear is there and needs attention – my full attention. I might need help. I might waiver, wobble or even fall, but I will rise. Being awakened does not mean I will not suffer. On the contrary, I cannot go high without going low. The trick is to keep the lows short-lived. And that means, letting them come on as strong as they will. Yuck, eh?
So here’s my wish today. Let emotion be your guide. Do not run in fear but cling to something sturdy if the wave is too big. The water will lower. When, however, the wind is gentle and both feet are firmly planted, breathe deeply of the feeling and let it speak to you. It will tell you how you are and where you need to go next. Let emotion be.