I’m bombarding you these days, aren’t I? Apologies, but what’s going on feels rather new and is powerful, so powerful that I feel compelled to write. Writing prevents me from exploding, which is what I feel like doing most of the time these days.
It’s possible I’ve too much time on my hands. Perhaps distractions would help. On the other hand, there are moments when I feel too afraid to even breathe (yes, I realize I have little control over that which is the point) and no matter which diversion I enter into, I end up coming back to what’s going on inside me. The other night is an example.
I garnered the courage to put on makeup and wander to karaoke Sunday. I had fun. People I’ve seen little or nothing of in weeks, seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I had a few beers and ‘let my hair down’. Unfortunately, I talked to a couple of folks about how I’m feeling these days and was offered some advice which has ended up wrestling me to the ground. I feel worse than before I went! Thing is, I know better. No one can resolve any of this for me. No one else can be in my head, heart, or body. No one else can know why I’m in this situation. But the conversations were also a good reminder to me to be cautious, pause often, and consider carefully before speaking to a person who is vulnerable. Why? Because someone who is hurting might be too wounded to understand your take on their issue.
Today it is hot here which adds to my discomfort. We’re under a heat wave that promises to hang around for some time. With the smoke from the mainland blowing our way, and Africa-like temps, my nausea is more intense than normal. I feel like crawling out of skin that burns and no longer fits me. My poor head is light and heavy at the same time. How is that possible? Oh, and then there’s my ears. They ring and are blocked pretty regularly now. My hearing is gravely restricted. As a result, I feel like I’m locked inside my body. Generally, I just feel awful. I’m sad and teary, awkward and bloated, and pretty much a mess. Adding insult to it all is that I’ve not a clue what to do to feel better! Sleep helps. Thankfully. But nothing else. Not the earth or the water. Only writing.
So, my wish today is that if any of you feel frightened, out of sorts, and alone, you are able to find an outlet that enables you to collect some peace of mind. Whether it’s sitting on a rock and breathing deeply, or leaning fully into the open arms of a loved one, it does not matter. All that matters is that if only for a second (there’s that phrase again), you let go. And when you let go, breathe in that feeling. Now try to hold onto it. Recall it often. Pull that feeling close. I believe it will sustain you, hold you up, shelter you, and guide you, if only for a second.
Until tomorrow my darling ones…