My dear friends,
Today is another breaking day. Despite the insights and shifts of the last week or so, I’m sorry to report that I’ve had another ‘set-back’. My heart hurts awfully, and once again, sadly, I’m questioning my worth. I can’t tell you how tired I am of this roller coaster. And, I should be honest with you. I’ve been on this particular ride for several weeks watching an event unfold in my life. It’s dragged out because I was desperate for a different outcome – a couple of times I thought I might get what I wanted – but, alas, it is not to be and I hate it. And yet, I must flip it around to find something good. If not, I fear I’ll go mad.
When I arranged to come to this unknown-to-me-town in the mountains of Vancouver Island, it was a solution to a pretty big problem. Wonderfully, the solution flowed easily to me, too. Within less than 72 hours, I’d made a critical decision, secured a home for almost four months, and purchased an inexpensive ticket back to Canada. I had a ride to Dublin airport, a really affordable B&B booked in Vancouver for 2 nights, a chance to visit with my daughter for a week, and transport to the island sorted. I recall looking forward with enthusiasm to whatever was to come, trusting all was as it was supposed to be.
I remain incredibly grateful for it all – for each event including leaving England – but especially for the events that landed me here. However, the edge I had in Dublin, the clarity and energy that drove me to eventually find my way here, is gone. And the confusion, anxiety, and sadness I feel because I cannot seem to find any direction, continues to take its toll.
I believed my coming to this place was providential – truly. That feeling fuelled me for weeks. I enjoyed exploring, which I did a fair bit of for the first month plus. But, mostly I fell in love with writing here. I committed to it. And, it was proceeding well – very well if I might be so bold – until I allowed a diversion into my life. And then everything changed, but not for the better.
For a couple of months here, I was incredibly happy, though, and I want to reclaim that feeling. I don’t know how, but hope I can. Right now I hurt, I feel ruptured. But, a short time ago, I felt wonderful. I experienced something glorious. I laughed a lot. I cared deeply and enjoyed another’s company profoundly. Some days, I actually thought I was supposed to stay here which would have been okay. The place has a unique and wild beauty. But I was mistaken. I am not a part of anyone’s plans here and so I have to return to my solitary drawing board. It feels akin to Dublin, oddly. But as hard as it was to leave Ireland, I was excited about my future. That isn’t true now. I’m heartbroken about leaving, so am in the process of reaching inward to find anything to look forward to.
What I found here only to lose, has caused old default patterns to re-emerge with a vengeance. That means the familiar internal dialogue of self-abuse is active. I am old; useless. I have nothing to offer. I am unlovable, I hear myself say. I am a failure, a ridiculous and arrogant dreamer who has squandered resources and talents so deserves what she gets. I hear the words in my head and they force the tears to rise in my eyes, but I want to recoil, snap back a quick, NO! I don’t want to be unloved and useless. I don’t want to be. I want to feel the way I felt just a few weeks ago, full of enthusiasm and fun, looking forward to each day and night, connecting easily, and enjoying another’s company. It felt like home. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to believe the voices when I look at my current situation objectively. It’s easy to see why anyone would think me a waste of space.
So, my wish tonight is to feel only the feelings and emotions that best describe love. Connected, easy, happy, and home, are just a few words. Brilliant, peaceful, exciting, and sweet are some more. Impressive, magical, and worthwhile are a few more. Shiny, warm promise. I’m sure you can find some words for yourself. Give it a try and feel your way back to love. You can do it.