After reading responses (what joy!) from my last two postings, I’ve had some revelations about ‘things’. One is that my focus is wonky and another is that I should never expect anything from anyone. This last one, the latter, is especially tough for me. I can change my focus easily enough from ‘poor me’ to, ‘wow, I’ve got it all!’, but when I ask for help which is never easy for me, what exactly do I expect? Could it be that I set people up with the request, expecting them to fail? Ouch. If that’s the case, and I think it is, I need to do two things: ask forgiveness of myself and others and change.
Over the years, I’ve found there are a few constants. One, in particular, is stereotypical, but while I don’t like labels if the shoe fits. What I’m talking about is that those who have the most are often the stingiest. In my experience, many of these folks are well aware they hoard to a point and work to cover up rather than addressing their tightness. To that end, they volunteer, run charity organizations, or find time to offer copious amounts of advice. They keep way, way busy! However, they are seldom able to put their advice to practical use, and no one can get too close. Letting anyone in would mean exposing the chinks in their armour, yes? And guess what, that is me. No one gets too close. Hm. However, my generosity is not in question. I’m in the fix I’m in because of it. If I have it, I give it. It’s that simple. I’m not a protectionist. Furthermore, I have no regrets on that front – none at all. So, while that way of being is uncomfortable for a great many, I would change very little. I could have kept my money but would have lived a radically different life. And even if my life ends tomorrow, I am happy for my “big gamble “experiences.
As for the getting close thingy, showing the real me exercise, I still find that challenging. I’m also stuck in a repetitive cycle on that score, too, it would seem. I pick people who will inevitably ditch me, leave me shattered and, well, broken. I thought I was getting better at it. I thought I had cut away enough of the wall that I didn’t need to enter into painful relationships anymore. I foolishly believed I could read another’s intentions with some assurance. Apparently not. I don’t know when someone if being true or false. Therefore, I am still opening up to some awfully painful experiences with others. And if truth be told, I am over it. That written I’ll never be apologetic for caring as long as my intentions remain sincere.
Anywho, nothing much has changed for me these last few days except that the time for moving draws ever closer. I want to stay put but cannot help but think it’s not meant to be. Nothing seems to be lining up. What I thought might be there is not. The road out of town seems the only thing calling. And yet, my heart hurts at the thought. I am truly, deeply sad. Detaching from thought with meditation helps a bit. Oh, and like I mentioned at the very beginning, altering my focus so that I am aware of all the blessings I have here and everywhere in my incredible life, is a must. The pain must pass, mustn’t it? Indeed. Here’s hoping something miraculous will unfold when it does. But whatever happens, I will give my attitude an adjustment and stop being a negative Nellie. That’s a default setting for me so it comes without any enticement. I’ll convince it to go – gradually – because I’ve little energy right now for much of anything. Being grateful might just be the boost I need.
And so that is my wish, for an infusion of energy. Coping with dense emotions is exhausting, and of course, they must be dealt with for transformation to occur. Getting through long periods of stress, especially if you have little or no support, can take every bit of strength you have and more. Finding ways to re-energize can be just too much work. Rest and patience are required. And even when deadlines loom large, if you haven’t the energy to get the job done, you’ll mess up decisions and choices unless you let yourself rest. It seems paradoxical, but that’s the way to find the energy. So, to that end, I’m off for a nap.