Today is a hurting kind of day, a day when my life weighs heavy and seems a cataclysmic mistake. Of course, not all of, but big chunks, certainly. I suppose these feelings are inextricably part of the breaking I wrote about in my last post so perhaps a better beginning would have been to say that this is a breaking up, a breaking a part, kind of day.
I move again in less than two weeks and still, I have no place to go. My finances are exhausted, too, creating greater restrictions. I recall my last days in Ireland when I was under similar pressure and how everything aligned (not without a modicum of stress) to get me here. And, let me say, quoting my beautiful Irish friends, “it’s been grand.” But then I had a few dollars left and my guides were boisterous and inspiring. Currently, like my money reserves, my guidance system seems to have deserted me. However, we are never actually disconnected from our source energy. Our intuition is always intact. Since that is the case, it must mean I’m not listening, choosing instead to test myself to within an inch of everything I profess to believe. Not the smartest move on my part, eh?
Of course, I’m still learning, which is lovely. And I’m still changing in positive ways. I’ve moments – long and luxurious times – of profound gratitude for – well – for every challenge, each struggle, and all the glorious upheavals. But, as the sorrow born of anxiety mounts, I fear I might fail this test. I need a place to go. I need a roof over my head. (As I write, I realize there are shelters, so of course, I will have a place to sit I am sure.) But there’s something else gnawing at me, today. It’s got to do with not breaking from, but rather, connecting to.
When we invest our whole selves in something like say yoga or meditation, for example, we crystallize our bond to that thing. Over time, we strengthen the connection by making plans to do it. We practice. We get better. It becomes part of our day. Now, replace the thing with a person. Surely we deploy similar strategies when it comes to those we care for, right? If not, even the strongest connection will suffer. It will inevitably weaken, maybe even break. Just like the ‘thing’ we enjoy doing and make time for, we cannot truly connect with another human without putting them into our day to make plans and spend time with. They are, naturally, in our thoughts.
Now, of course, there are casual relationships, but let’s look closely at them for a moment. Find an example of one such acquaintance in your databank. Got it? Okay, are you committed to sustaining the connection? Do you consider their feelings regularly? Highly unlikely. And while the time you spend or spent with them might well elicit sweet memories, the bond is not there. It is fleeting, and I know fleeting. Boy, do I know fleeting.
So, what I’ve learned is that passing acquaintances have their place, but the ones that alter us most radically are the ones we make a commitment to. Those links offer us the chance to open. In our vulnerability, we can touch our strongest selves, let rise our worst nightmares, and manifest our most spectacular dreams. But, and this is the tough bit, we cannot control the depth or breadth of the other’s commitment to the link. Should they decide to waiver, abdicate their place in our lives, it is their choice. It does not, however, affect our love for ourselves or for them even if allowing them to break what we deem a precious connection might well be what breaks us.
When we choose to love another, their commitment to us matters not. Ideally, you’re in it together forging a heavy duty chain, but if they cannot be there with you, it does not turn your love into something less. Love is the constant even when a tortured heart threatens to kill you. It does not demand that you sustain the chain alone, though. Connection can only be maintained with cooperation.
So, here it is I find myself breaking more connections and making my way again, alone. Of course, I am not really alone and yet, I can list more severed chains than solid ones which honestly, makes me sad. Very sad.
So, it is with a heavy heart and troubled mind that I formulate my wish for a discerning and broader vision this morning. You see, I’ve been quite blinkered lately, unable to see opportunities. I am filled with more fear than I ever imagined, and have no idea what to do next. Not a position of strength. Hence, the wish. We always have choices. If we cannot see them it if because we are not willing to. And there’s the crux. I’m going to shop for some new glasses. Care to join me?