Fixing me…

FIxA few uncomfortable feelings intensified into a moment of actual despair this morning. I threw up my hands and cried like a baby. Obviously, the angst passed. I squirreled my hair up onto my head, threw on some mascara, brushed my teeth and headed out. I was met by a cold wind. I walked to the market and have been on my arse since noon writing emails, researching, and simply making an effort to remind myself that my life is wonderful, and that there’s nothing to be afraid of. All will be, as the saying goes, well.

Remember the other day when I wrote about being better on my own? I’ve been thinking about that and how it’s true but equally false. I crave companionship, mates of the soul, comrades. I long to have someone to tell my stories to. I want someone to hold me and I want to hold someone. I can see you nodding your head and mouthing “of course you do”. But wait, there are solid conditions to support my contrariness – not everyone can, nor should they be able to, fill those desires. Relationships require give and take, patience, and most of all, a meeting of minds.

When we are born, our DNA carries in it a history of a certain group. We are most closely linked to those folks even if we end up with little in common with them. Whatever course we chart for ourselves, however, cannot negate a kind of contract we have with those relatives. The Buddhists consider blood family ties most important because therein exists our karmic connections. And so it follows that therein rests the opportunity to heal some ancient wounds or strengthen old ties all in an effort to further enlighten us, heighten our awareness, and lead to our expansion. This concept is a head-scratcher for many. How can having an abusive father be a good thing, for example? Well, it’s simple actually, at least in theory.

Whatever family we find ourselves in, no matter how severe or troubled, choices are always being laid out before us. We can choose to perpetuate or stop behaviours we find offensive. We can decide to live another way. Even if stepping away seems counterintuitive, if it is what your gut is telling you to do and you find you can look back with a loving glance, you have raised your awareness. As a result, you raise it for the collective.

Continuing in toxic or destructive behavioural patterns for the sake of “family” is folly. It is a misguided action that keeps us in a perpetual state of stress, anger, and war. No one else needs to change for us. We need to build ourselves up, strengthen our own reserves. As long as we are doing that, we are doing enough.

I seldom feel I do enough, but I keep trying. That’s pretty much all I can do these days. This somewhat convoluted journey I’m on is uncommon and has its risks, certainly, but I am becoming a kinder, more compassionate and mentally healthier person as a result. And that is enough for right now.

My wish today is for the confidence and clarity of mind to step up to step out when needed. It’s never your job to fix another. Hold space for them. Comfort them and listen to them but never step away from your true essence because someone else wants you to. There should not be judgement, coercion, or blame, ever. What we hope for each of us is a successful life which only we can determine for ourselves. Oh, and if someone else comes along for the ride, all the better.

Until tomorrow…

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