Outside and In…

RainbowColour might be thought an antithesis to depression. Art tends to depict the “illness” in shades of grey fading into black. In my experience, that’s pretty accurate. Of course, there’s so much more to it. There is the numbness. Stick a knife in me, I won’t feel it! There is the forgetfulness. Yesterday? What happened yesterday? Simple tasks become complex. How do I put on that shoe? And inside, in our hearts, a relentless weight presses down, promising to crush us. Our burden is the sorrow, each and every ache, of a million persecuted souls. Therein grows the darkness. It is the veil knitted by frustration, of not knowing how to eradicate horror, poverty, and violence. Of standing helpless in the face of suffering. How do I take away your pain?

It’s odd. Paradoxical actually. Depressives behave badly, selfishly many would say, despite caring so very deeply. Are we lashing out, raging against feelings of ineptitude amidst the inner chaos? Maybe. Likely. There is no excuse. Meanness, neglect, judging, and blaming cannot be justified. These actions only make matters worse, alienating us further from our deepest desires. Worse still, by taking on the plight (or perceived plight) of another we are avoiding dealing with our own. Not the best use of our time, really. I guess that’s where forgiveness comes back into the picture. Forgiving my trespasses helps me love more fully. Tall order? Indeed, but oh so colourful, yes?

I am deeply grateful my eyes are eager to devour all the colours of the season in my new surroundings. They struggle to find bright hues when gazing inward, but wait patiently because they know the brush of my imagination wants to paint with the whole rainbow, but not leave out the shadows. After all, they exist because of light. You might say I’m finding a balance between the dark and light. It feels good and I’ll let these feelings wash over me so I can recall them if and when I might need to in the future.

It’s raining again today. I will head out later regardless of weather. For now, I’m content to stay put and write to you. The house is warm, dry, and peaceful. Coffee is percolating. I’ve been loaned a decent blender so can relish the nutrient dense breakfast smoothies I’m addicted to. (Oops, never mentioned those!) I’m now in possession of a brand new comforter and sheets for the little bed, along with a brand spanking new can opener, fry pan and two pots, cutlery and a super-efficient microwave. I’m getting used to the bed and my surroundings and with the extra coverage supplied by the comforter, I’m sleeping restfully. I feel rather spoiled, or better, blessed in this moment. Quite blessed, and filled with gratitude.

Years ago I religiously downloaded my favourite tunes to my computer’s hard drive. Any and all music that inspired or thrilled me in some way makes its home there. I’ve about two thousand files and because I’ve no outside influences here like radio etcetera, I’m playing this music like never before. Can I say without exaggeration it is heavenly? Yep, I just did.

And with that, here comes the sun, so I must make my way out to post this and then spend time on the book. I so love writing to you – a beautiful distraction it is – but I must get on with the other promise I’ve made which is to finish my novel while I’m here. OH, and there’s the next blog topic! I really didn’t give addiction its due but I kind of get why and will deal with those reasons in due course. Anywho, I’d almost forgotten but think I know what I want to focus on. How about relationships? I can feel that twist in my gut which means there’s resistance to the subject so best confront it then. Relationships it is.

And to you all, my wish is for sunshine when it rains. The meteorological phenomenon resulting from this is a rainbow. Folklore and myth is rife with tales of their magic. They are caused by reflection, refraction, and dispersion of light on water. Imagine it. We star-particle beings, are formed with water. Those cells that make us up are chockablock with H2O and without it, we would cease to be. Water and light. Rainbows outside and inside. Phenomenal.

Until tomorrow…


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