Holding…

HappyMy blogs will become even more haphazard until I get this connectivity issue resolved. I am working on it, believe it or not, but everything I purchase now, from groceries to bus tickets must be weighed and measured carefully while I wait for that lottery win I’m expecting any day now. In the meantime, I’ll deliver what I wrote yesterday at some point today. This one, well, maybe tonight, or tomorrow AM. There’s so much happening, you see, and because of that I really want to talk to you. I want to tell you what’s going on, how amazing it is to be living in the mountains, how frightened I am (still) about my future, and how kind strangers can be. I want to tell you how words are piling up around me, directing and guiding me as they form sentences that tell stories; my stories. The words nag me to write them out so you’ll know, too, and so that maybe we can have a conversation. I want to ask you about next steps, and read your advice, cherishing each word. Maybe you’ll berate me gently, and then tell me all will be okay; or maybe you’ll tell me how you climbed out of a hole once, and how good you felt when the sun kissed your cheek.

I really want to talk to you. There is so much going on!

Yesterday’s mood lingers. The darkness hovers on the edge of each scene, on the border of every thought. My belly churns and then settles. Tears are at the ready. But, I’m okay. Oddly, being in a home again all by myself is cathartic. Surprised? Don’t be. It’s more my normal than all this shared space experience of the last few years. And, I am best on my own, mostly. I can relax. You see, when I’m around other people I make assumptions. I assume they expect me to be, or to do, or to say, something. Thing is, I haven’t a blessed clue what that “something” is. I’ve no idea what they want me to be, or to do, or to say and it makes me so nervous that my body tingles. Or maybe I do know what they want and am inclined to reject it. Have I always been like this, inept at responding to social cues, interpreting unspoken messages in my head and too confused or frightened to respond? I believe so.

We all ‘send’ silent messages. God knows I sure used to and still, on occasion, do. Those who make body language a study can interpret far better the meaning behind the words. And then there are those “empaths” who feel the meaning behind words or actions. Of course, none is an exact science and heaven knows, we need to be able to keep some secrets especially when we simply don’t know what our response should be, or how we want it to be. I mean, thankfully we’re not perennially unaware and able to gauge ourselves accordingly. As for me, I’m not so confident and need time to prep which means a fair bit of down, alone time. Hence, this house stay is needed.

My wish tonight is that we strive to be open, happy with ourselves, and able to feel safe whatever our situation or surroundings. It’s so easy to misunderstand motives and actions, easy to put our assumptions on another. Without knowing for sure, we can assume we are being slighted or wronged when that might not be the case. It’s best to make the effort to be direct when possible, take responsibility for our own actions, and work toward happiness.

Until tomorrow…

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