Addicted…

Streets.jpgWell, not having easy access to Internet is killing me. I have to hike a bit to get it and the walking is doing me a world of good of course, but the new surroundings are distracting and you know me and my penchant for distractions. I have to settle in, though; establish a routine. I’ve been here since Monday night so the clock ticks steadily, relentlessly marking my time. It cares nothing about my needs despite any protestations. I just have to get focussed and do what I said I would do here which is finish the book. I am determined! But tonight I’m all about the blog because I realised today how quickly (and easily) I strayed from this month’s topic.

I’ve an addiction I can’t own. Until I do I fear it will plague me. Someday I’ll gather the courage to talk about it or maybe I should not talk about how much I’ve hurt myself. Instead, maybe I should forgive myself and move on. In this moment, although there is shame, I can tell myself I am valuable and worthwhile despite my weakness. I can say how much I love my mind and my body and that I am as determined to continue to do so as I am to finish “On the Seventh Day”. If I fall down, I simply need to get up.

Ending this post on that note of ‘getting up’ would make sense, but I’ve a couple of thoughts to share with you all before I wrap up.

Wandering around in the sun today, trying to lock down a spot to write and looking for advice regarding an internet connection, my heart became heavy. I am so very small in this place of mountain peaks and ancient forests. I have come from a place with the smallest roads to one with the widest streets I’ve ever seen. I’m told one reason for their size is to accommodate the massive logging trucks, but I don’t know if that’s true. All I know is I find the scale of the roads disconcerting. Their pale grey emptiness is a challenge for me. Of course, some people would love it.

Most wanderers plan ahead. They map out their journey from beginning to end. With a single mind and committed belief in my vision, I headed off several years ago with a somewhat open-ended plan, never dreaming I would find myself here. I am quite terrified, if truth be told. No doubt, I have proved my resourcefulness and ability to step off travelling into the void, but these adventures people persist in saying I’m on, are not what I’d recommend. And yet, it’s my life. I have to own it and if it’s not working for me, I need to change it.

So, to that end, my wish tonight is to return to my temporary abode and get some rest. I’ll likely have a profound cry before falling asleep and in the morning, regardless of how I feel, I’ll get up and try to make sense of a life that right now, quite rightfully, feels non-sensical. But it’s all okay. I’m breathing, and I have shelter. The sun is shining still and Mount Arrowsmith’s fog has lifted showing off its snowy white peaks. It will watch over me tonight.

Until tomorrow…

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2 thoughts on “Addicted…

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