Packing in earnest today though I still do not know where I’m going. There’s been no ticket bought, no room rented. There is no plan. The only thing I know for certain is that a move is imminent and that this is the first time I’ve never had a place to go. It’s exciting and terrifying but I’ll happily not ever go through this again and that means I need to do some major tweaking.
Let’s assume I’ve been addicted to drama most of my life. Let’s also assume the uncertain situation I find myself in currently is related to that addiction for histrionics even though I’m not addicted to them anymore. How so? Well, whatever you focus your energy and thought on, builds momentum toward that end, but with me being generally all over the map about so many things, confusion reigns. The more I try to calm down, the more chaos seems to enter my world. But, what if I’m actually being shoved and pushed and prodded toward something I’ve asked for?
I’ve said on more than one occasion, “I did not ask for this”, but in point of fact, I probably did. What’s happening in apparently random fashion could well be a series of highly coordinated events to get me where I wanted to go and deliver what I asked for. I just am not quite there yet. But getting there is delivering plenty of drama. All old patterns still in the loop.
Maybe I should have been more specific about requests. I sure try to be clear now, let me tell you. But, then again, maybe we’re just not evolved enough yet to manifest smoothly. Whatever the case, the mission before me now is to focus every ounce of energy, and most every single thought, on resolving the two primary problems facing me so I can put an end to what I’m going though as quickly as possible and head off in a different direction, preferably one that is better planned. I also see a home in my present life. Home sweet home.
One thing that will surely help is this blog. I am forced to examine my process, and lately I realise I am still all over the place. It’s okay in some respects. I am who I am, but living like this is not reasonable. Further, I can’t be of much service to anyone or anything when I’m always in flux. It keeps the drama alive, too.
My wish tonight is for clarity and a bit of magic. I asked specifically for a gift today. I prayed and my words were precise. My meditation was uplifting and I sent intentions during it. No matter what happens to me, one thing remains constant. I believe. In the midst of uncertainty I do not doubt that I can cope with any situation. I will discover my options. I believe.