Feelings offer a mixed bag of opportunities. They’re great when all sunshine and puppies, but when, for example, we get angry, well, that’s what I call a “de-state” which simply means it’s neither productive nor helpful unless addressed ASAP. A “de-state” asks, or rather, demands attention. That’s good, of course. The challenge is to respond to the state and not react to it. We always have options when a “de-state” presents itself. We can get all nuts, or we can learn something about ourselves and about our place in the grand scheme. If we choose to learn why we have become angry, we might just become a better person. Today, waking up angry meant, unless I wanted the anger to derail me, I needed to do some soul searching.
Now, some of you know I’m a big proponent of meditation. Seriously, who isn’t these days? But what I’m about to say next, might sound strange to you. Where many might dive straight into their morning practice if they woke angry, I prefer to have a little quiet dialogue with meself, first.
So, first off, I ask, is my anger justified? Hm. Probably not in this particular case. It’s got more of a judgmental feel to it rather than a “please stop destroying the planet” feel. So, it’s specific rather than general. Specific for me means it’s close to the bone or personal. And today, I know exactly why I’m pissed off. I am angry at a bunch of people because they are not doing what I want them to.
When looking at others’ behaviour, seeing “me” in the equation isn’t always easy. I’d much rather call somebody a jerk. But it’s the “glass house” proverb, isn’t it? Others are like mirrors for our strengths and weaknesses. At the very least, the incident reminds us we are capable of similar behaviour. We are, after all, mimics learning as we go.
Using this theory, I can see that my anger originates from a place of self-recrimination, and self-judgment. I’m angry at a bunch of folks for doing exactly what I’ve done and likely still do! Blast it. Now I have to take responsibility for my own actions and that’s hard; but, when I do, I am able to eventually forgive myself for being hard on everyone. And, as I do, voila, the anger flows from me, transformed into a lovely stream I can sit beside while I meditate.
Wishing today to cut the addiction to any pattern that prevents me from loving more deeply, from realising my dreams and full potential. I really only want that in my life. Right now, I am in a difficult place that few would envy. It seems I am stuck. I “preach”, however, that we always, always have options. Unable to see my options right now, I pray I will soon. I know they are there and when I accept what I might be resisting, I’ll see what was there all along. In the meantime, it’s time to go to my cushion and find the silence.