What a difference a day makes, la di da. Dinah is singing about rainbows with her coveted rasp and polished vibrato. It’s lifting my mood beautifully. My temples are burning slightly, the effect of peppermint essential oil. I’m digging the smell. And, speaking of vibrato, who has watched Grace and Frankie’s third season? There’s lots of vibrating! You owe it to yourself to watch and the reference will be well and truly explained if you do.
Today I needed the light so I could accept the dark. Realising I’m pretty seriously fucked was tough. I’ve no home. I’ve no money. I’m alone in the grand scheme. Starting over is really, really tough when you’re in this stage of life – not impossible, but ridiculously hard. Why? Well that’s an entire book waiting for someone (me?) to write. The age game is one without written rules. The playing field looks very different. Opportunities that once popped up do not anymore. People are not as accepting (or forgiving). And, I get it. If I were in their shoes would I be different? Not likely. As for me, starting over has cost me a lot more than just money (that I don’t have anymore). Furthermore, unless I can make it over here somewhere – preferably England – it means the end of a dream. And that’s the worst. It’s the worst, worst and the hardest, hardest because it means that everything I believe in is a joke. Wow. Tough anyway you look at it, yes?
I’ve little else to add at this point. There’s more to be said, more to be written, but I can’t go on right now, so will pick this up later. And yes, I’m one blog behind – still. 🙂
My wish tonight is for guidance. Purely. Simply. When the dark sets in you need a light shining from somewhere. You can sit in stillness, you can feel gratitude for everything, and you can trust. All good and necessary things. But, you need to know what to do to stop the darkness from swallowing you. You need a glimmer, a spark, a miracle.