Sticking myself to one topic is proving demanding. I’m not even at the half way mark and the glue is failing. But then, maybe that’s the point.
I didn’t really think carefully about this “one topic for 30 days” thing. It seemed a good idea at the time. From the beginning my posts have been intuitively steered stream of consciousness writing so I just went with it. A few days in and I wonder if I’ve the intelligence needed to continue! Then today I realized that if I’m feeling angst, doubting myself, it’s likely because I’m resistant. And if that’s the case, as I suspect it is, it means I’m hitting a nerve. It’s highly likely there’s something I need to find out about myself I’d rather not know.
Removing veils so you can see your true nature is the only way to achieve enlightenment. I’ve neither a Bodhi tree close by, nor the patience to meditate until, like Siddhartha, Buddha status is achieved, but I’m trying my utmost to see the light.
Today started beautifully. Morning yoga was fun. I felt connected and relaxed. I read some Proust, a favourite, and despite his tendency for melancholic prose, I felt inspired. After lunch, it was time to handle an issue I’ve been putting off. I didn’t think anything could change my mood. Surprise, surprise.
The issue was money related, needless to say. I had to pay a bill which forced me to see the state of my accounts. Facing it in black and white was equally terrifying and heart breaking. How on earth am I going to sort my mess? My stomach started twisting. The fact is I’ve no cash coming in, have crazy debt now, and only a small amount in the bank. My spirits went from great to horrid and I’ve been in tears since. Is this what I was reluctant to look at? If so, there was a bright light shining on it now making it impossible to miss.
I stated in another post that I am thankful for having access to credit which remains true, but debts must be repaid. Don’t misunderstand me. There’s no regret. If I were debt free today but had done none of the things I’ve dreamed of, I’d be bereft. Still, my affairs are in tatters. I need help and advice and a couple of miracles tossed in for good measure. I am determined to find a responsible yet authentic way forward.
In the past, most of the time when I needed an infusion of cash, it would appear. A job would be offered, or a gift given. That has not happened for over a year. I find it odd and more than a bit disconcerting. Am I so misaligned with the energy of attraction? No. I don’t think I am.
Tonight as I recall the day, I’m still low and scared to death. But, truth is, I’ve been here many times in my rather long life because of my money battles. Ah ha! That’s what has to change. I’ve got to ensure I don’t come back here. I have to start behaving differently and reflect a more enlightened personality – one who will not end up repeating the same miserable patterns. I might have to surrender. *sigh*
I’m wishing tonight that we learn to silence the negative voices in our heads, the ones that name call and belittle. Those voices deserve only the slightest attention. Here’s what to do: listen intently, consider what you hear for only a heartbeat, then smile and respond with the opposite. We all make questionable choices. We are all flawed human beings. I for one possess a dreamer’s personality and recoil at the mundane. But here’s the thing, I also care deeply. My body aches when another suffers. My ire rises when an injustice is done. And, I bet my bottom (and last) dollar that you are the same. We love and are loved. In the end, that’s what will matter.