I am…

JoyI am a blessing. Me. Myself. I. And yes, you’re reading correctly. The noun is intended. Of course, I’m blessed in so very many ways, but today it dawned on me that I am blessed only because I, too, am blessing. And so are you.

Perhaps the hardest thing we are asked to do during our stints in form is to find a way to forgive. Some might believe forgiving means excusing behaviours so abhorrent that they literally recoil at the thought. It causes them to shudder and ask, “Why would I let ‘them’ off the hook?” Forgiving a person who has heaped cruelties on your body and soul can be impossible to imagine. But I’m going to ask you to imagine. I’m going to ask you to imagine what it would be like to be free of ‘them’. I’m going to ask you to imagine who you would be without ‘them’. And lastly, I’m going to ask you to imagine what your life would be without the pain. Can you imagine it?

The more I release others from the story of my life, the freer I become. It’s hard to do that, though. We are conditioned to point fingers which takes us off that ‘hook’. You might argue that as a baby I had nothing to do with being unwanted and abandoned, or as child I could not have been the whore my father feared I was, and you’d be correct. If you said I did not take part in the lie and resulting secrets that defined my life, and had nothing to do with the death of an entire family, you’d be right. Ah, but it is my life. The maltreatment and subsequent ridicule I was subjected to by an aging nun, and the mind games played on me by those who could, are my story. How my story unfolds, the effect it has on me, is up to me. Is it necessary put anyone on that hook?

Don’t misunderstand. I blamed lots of people for this failure or that drama. However, when I realized blaming them meant I was not taking responsibility for my own life or for my own part in any given scenario, I cried. I’d made such a mess of things! I wept that river my friend talked about calling it Regret. I hung out at that riverbank a lot. In fact, I’m still there on occasion but visiting isn’t a desire anymore because it’s not a nice place to be. I’ve started to imagine a new place to hang out, one filled with possibilities and fun. It feels so nice being there. In the meantime, I worked on forgiving myself for all kinds of stuff.

My behaviour has not been stellar over my long life. I have abused myself, hurt others, walked away from talents and squandered many gifts. I feel the pain of those neglects and failings as I write them now. They become a dagger, cutting, drawing blood, twisting and going deep. No tears, though. Only a deep breathe acknowledging the lot before the knife is withdrawn and the pain subsides. You see? I can imagine both and it is grand. All of it.

I am the loss and the gain. I am the shame and the pride. I. Am. Blessing. And so are you.

I wish today that you feel yourself a blessing. If you need release, to let someone or something go, ask that it go. It might not go today but fear not, it will eventually. How I held to my story! Goodness, who would I be without the sorrow and abandonment? Someone different, that’s for sure. Someone loved? Perhaps. Someone who loves? Better still. Someone who forgives? Yes. Someone who is a blessing. Perfect.

Until tomorrow…

P.S. Tomorrow is March 1. I’ll kick-off my 2nd Redo 365! We’re going on a whole new ride together. Let’s see what the future holds, shall we?

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