She was dying. Those familiar sensations in her body were unmistakable. She was not resigned about it, rather she had surrendered. She was getting better at this.
It’s too easy to sail through life without ever knowing what dying is like. Not so for her, she had tons of experience. This time seemed a bit different, though, which had her asking, was this the big one, the last hurrah?
Most of us imagine dying on occasion. Our religious or cultural ethnicity might talk about angels of death, fiery pits, or those virgins some believe await them on the colloquial ‘other side’. There’s a belief for some that they’ll reunite with loved ones long past. She had no desire for that fate. There was no on she wanted to see.
For those who struggle with life, dying can be an intoxicating idea, a wanted release and blessed alternative to their current state. Somewhere beyond the hopelessness, a memory of Eden described at the knee of a priest or parent where the wolf lives with the lamb, lingers. In this place all is forgiven, nothing is lost and sorrow, erased. Thing is, it’s too easy to doubt that place exists, and she was a doubter even though soon, it was not likely to matter. Or so she was thinking.
Once home, she put on her favourite Loreena McKennitt track and swayed gracefully, arms lifting, legs stretching, head rocking side to side, lids heavy. Her body let go of the day while she hummed, her tone a perfect match to the singer. Had anyone been watching, they’d have been mesmerized, or aroused. She was very beautiful, her limbs loose but controlled, a gentle determination in each movement. Her hips swayed. No one could have guessed her secret.
When she crawled into bed, her heart was light though her mood a bit dark. It had been a good run, yes? She had loved someone once and pretty sure she’d been loved in return. Her faults and blunders were plentiful but surely insignificant in the grand scheme and, she told her self she was reconciled as her eyes closed.
In the morning, her new life began.
My wish tonight is that each transition we face, in whatever form it comes, be accepted as an opportunity, a new day, a new life, a new beginning. Each incarnation can open us, or we can close ourselves. We always have a choice. This is a big wish because it asks us to embrace goodbyes, difficult options, and grave hardships. Too difficult? Not if we practice. With time we might just get better at it.