Last night I went to a birthday party. It was outdoors and chilly, but a roaring fire kept us toasty. Luna lit up a cloudless sky while the host’s son entertained with his killer playlist. I enjoyed being in the fresh air and chatting with new friends. I boogied a little when no one was watching. I ate chocolate cake and a veggie burger. I drank Tonic Water with lemon. I felt happy.
Over the last few days, I’ve changed. It’s not immediately perceptible the way cutting all your hair off is so you’d not likely notice. This change is inside. I feel different. Is it the redo kicking in? Sure it is. And it is a good thing, Martha, a very good thing.
When I started Redo 365 I vowed to be honest. At the time I wasn’t certain what that entailed, but knew the promise had to be made so I’d not be spouting off and making stuff up all the time like tragic heroines typically do. I told you I’d work diligently behind the scenes to face the truth and bury that old victim image. That I’d chop away at blocks, take responsibility for myself, and deal with that whole unworthiness thang. Good news is, I’ve uncluttered a lot. I have to be patient cus after all, there’s six decades worth of shit to toss in that grave! However, here’s what I’ve realised lately and it’s pretty damn cool.
I understand the logic behind lessons, and they are important. In an effort to learn them, especially the big ones, I repeat the mantras, extol platitudes, and do my best to believe what I say. I get stuck on the doing. Of course, somethings are easier to learn and implement than others, but why is that, and does it matter? I can suggest the adage, “when the student is ready, the teacher appears” to the former question. As to the latter, all I have to say is, “You bet your sweet bippy it matters!
My life’s collage is one of loss, abandonment, lies, misunderstanding, and inconsistencies all before I could talk. Here’s what I did with that jumble. I kept adding to it. I made damn certain my life would continue on a similar trajectory. Why would any sane person do that? The answer is in the question.
So, poor me, you say? No! And not stupid me, sick me, silly me, fat me, ugly me, or any other “me” if it’s a put down. My life’s been fanfuckingtastic. You know why? Because I got to experience what’s it’s like to be nuts, to plummet into the abyss and hang out there. I know what it’s like to kick yourself so hard you bleed, to hate yourself so much you hurt yourself over and over and over again in countless ways. I know first-hand the ugliness of self-inflicted guilt and shame. I have wallowed in regret and self-pity. I have hurt people needlessly. I have lied, cheated, and blown off opportunities. And guess what? I can finally say, “thank you”. I am so grateful for each and every experience because I finally “get it”.
What do I get? I get that I can love every foible, every ugly, dark, stupid and mean bit of me because I am not just those things. That’s what has been escaping me. I couldn’t love the crap enough. I couldn’t see what it was showing me about the human condition, that we will not rid ourselves of pain until we stop inflicting it. And where does it start? With us. We have to stop hurting ourselves.
We are feeling beings. Our rational minds are amazing, but not at the expense of our emotions. We will go to extreme measures to heal a sick body but wobble at efforts to heal emotional wounds. We are getting better, but we’ve a long way to go. That’s okay. At least we’re trying.
As for me, I’ve realised I do not have to hold on to anything that isn’t in my best interest. Anything.
My wish tonight is an anonymous quote. “Happiness is a choice, and everything else is a matter of perspective.