It’s been a while. I hesitate to apologise for my failure to communicate because I do have a life a part from writing and am not sorry about that. Wait a second…that’s a lie. The high point of my day is writing and I’ve not much of a life beyond that. It is a joyful thing, a heart’s desire, and a driving force, my writing, so what the hell? Why have I not been doing what I like doing? Me thinks it has something to do with an old nemesis.
Today is unofficially Roald Dahl day. He is quoted as saying “A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.” I cannot boast such a belief. Writing is not a deeply honed skill or vocation from which I’ve managed a living. My imagination never conjured outlandishly glorious, if slightly terrifying, tales of childhood conflicts with the adult world. True enough, when younger, my daydreams were colourful, but I lacked the self-belief and determination to become a writer then. In point of fact, I lacked the determination to become anything. I simply let life happen to me. That’s what tragic heroines do, don’t they?
Most who fancy themselves artists struggle with self-esteem, yes? My natural inclinations and talents tended toward acting and singing. While I kept up the singing end of things, albeit moderately, I dropped the ball when it came to acting and, of course, it is a great regret of mine. Nevertheless, evolution plods along and now I find a passion for the written word reigniting. Once upon a time, I considered myself quite the wordsmith, poet, and story-teller if truth be told. Since I am no longer a tragic heroine and trying hard to carpe diem on the recent advice of a friend, the time seems right to forge ahead as a serious writer, except…
I’ve both vlogged and blogged about my nemesis often enough. Today she took a new form and I was able to see her clearly. Worthlessness is a cruel and relentless vixen whose presence and denigrating power I’ve not been able to shift despite my best effort. That written, I’m making progress.
When worthlessness skulks in your psyche, it feeds off stuff like enthusiasm, inspiration and passion. The more you get fired up with lovely ideas, the happier worthlessness is because it’s always hungry. Of course, you have to besmirch and malign those lovely ideas as the unworthy person typically does because only then can worthlessness chow down.
There could be tons of reasons why you feel worthless but none of them matter because mostly you just end up strengthening worthlessness by talking about why you feel unworthy. So here’s a plan. Stop it all. Drop it. How? I’ll tell you how.
Every time you want to do something you love doing but don’t because a little voice says, “You’re not really good enough to do that, you know” tell it to fuck off. That’s right, tell it to bugger the hell off and leave you alone because you are amazing, able, and apt and furthermore, you are going to do that very thing you love doing because you can. Say to worthlessness that you get the whole self-pitying, not good enough scenario, but while you might once have been BFFs, you are over the relationship and want a divorce. You’ll give it the low self-esteem, fear, and doubt and it can give you back your joie de vivre when it disappears from your life.
Is it really that easy? You bet it is. Oh sure, you might have to practice the mantra, but “fuck off” is easy enough to remember and it is worth all your efforts to ditch what keeps you dark. We all deserve to shine and be bright not all gloomy and hidden away feeling desperate, hopeless, unimportant and useless. What good are those feelings? Not very.
And so my friends, I wish tonight for more of all those things in your life that help you shine, that bring you joy, and open your heart to love. Maybe it is your new baby girl, or a twinkling star. Maybe it is a blossom in your garden, or the smile of a stranger. Look and see and know that you are the worthiest and most essential being. Perhaps you’ll write about it in a book. Wouldn’t that be a worthwhile thing to do? In the meantime, shine on!