What I’ll own up to in this blog has been long promised. I’ve hinted about it on numerous occasions, beat around copious bushes, and side skipped opportunities to come clean. I’ve battled against owning up until this morning when I woke in a panic. After passing another restless night, the second in as many days, I knew I couldn’t avoid it a moment longer.
Avoidance is just another name for resistance. And like procrastination, it can be a dangerous thing, especially when you have consciously asked to align with the greater good. The prolific and wise author Michael A. Singer writes, “If you are resisting something, you are feeding it. Any energy you fight, you are feeding. If you are pushing something away, you are inviting it to stay.”
In these last few years, I have relaxed into an odd way of living. Each and every day requires more surrender and despite waving quite a few white flags, I’m still running, seeking an escape route instead of facing my enemy – resistance. I blame it on my built in default setting, if you will. But now that I’m fully aware of what I’m doing, I owe it to myself to try to change it. Not an easy task for even the most stout of heart. In my case, I’ve been running and hiding my whole life – from myself.
When I started Redo 365 I pledged to be honest. I’ve not always been and needless to say, what I’ve failed to take responsibility for is troubling me. Not to be wrongly self-deprecating, I have indeed transformed and made a lot of progress. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, until the last couple of weeks. I guess some conditioning isn’t going to dissolve without a fight.
Looking at myself honestly isn’t easy. In fact, it’s very, very hard. Because I believe we are one, I also believe all the grotesque lives in the same house as the beautiful. We are both yin and yang. I have written about this before, though, and do not want to lose the plot of this post. I just wanted to highlight that we, all of us, have a dark heart, too. We have free will, happily, and many of us are making enlightened choices. Hurray. Lately, however, I’ve not been choosing wisely and want to kick myself in the arse because of it.
So what’s going on with me and why so solemn? Well, I’ve been wasting my time. In fact, I’ve wasted decades. I have found any number of foolish diversions and strayed simply to avoid becoming a better ‘me’. Now, looking back, those decisions are breaking my heart.
These last months, instead of staying on course with my book, I’ve played Solitaire or Candy Crush for an almost infinitesimal number of hours. I’ve lied to you about not having Muse around. I’ve just been lazy, allowing self-pity to rule the day and passing the time with digital cards and colourful screen figures. And there’s more. I have gone out to socialize in an attempt to dull the tinge of loneliness. I have tried to make friends, but I couldn’t do it without drinking. Paradox. I make friends who party but I do not want to spend my time that way, so, I’ve made new acquaintances I can’t socialize with. Get the picture? Still losing days and wasting my time. Oh, and by behaving this way, I can then beat myself up. Brilliant strategy, eh?
My habit is to run around in circles and then complain about my failures. Why? I do not know why except that perhaps, it all goes back to the beginning when it was easier to make up a story about why I didn’t do something than to actually do it. It was the perfect way to enforce and embed further a deep seated belief that I was a loathsome creature who was not good enough to succeed at something she wanted.
I think many of us face degrees of this. But that’s little comfort to me when many of us haven’t. I’ve wasted way too much time and there’s no going back for a do-over. Not now, not ever. So, here’s the plan because I have to get a handle on this. I am not going cold turkey on the games but will restrict them to after a productive and reasonably normal work day. (Even now I can feel the longing to split my computer screen and play a game. Grrr.) As for the booze, I left it behind last year which was a good thing. Going back to it has shown me that we don’t mix. I don’t do moderation! So, it is cold turkey on the alcohol with the mantra, “I love and treat my mind and body with respect.”
And that’s it. I’m sure some of you are disappointed. Do I hear Peggy Lee’s iconic, “Is That All There Is?” being sung? Others of you might be disappointed in me feeling I’ve let you down. I cannot control any reactions but do apologize for not ‘fessing up sooner. My only hope is to become a better person and I cannot do that if I’m dishonest.
My wish if for courage. I’m not a brave soul in any way but can hope to step up. Perhaps real courage isn’t brandishing a sword but facing our own flaws and failings? Maybe it is surrendering rather than fighting. Maybe it is in negotiating a peace accord with the critical voice in your head. Perhaps it is in trying to unwrap our masks so the world sees us. Maybe it is in throwing caution to the wind. I do not know except that I see courageous people everywhere because I believe that sometimes simply opening our eyes is the most courageous thing we can do.