My inability to write of late has me bewildered. Is it the weather? Fog and drizzle have blanketed this place for what seems like forever. Usually, I’m not a slave to weather so it’s not likely that. Is it the actual ‘place’ I’m currently holed up in then? Yes, it could be that. Perhaps this temporary abode simply lacks the particular kind of energy I require.
As if in answer to my question, I noticed a big shift when I went to town today. Its bustle had me feeling purposeful, which I’ve not been feeling for weeks. My heightened mood got me to realizing the differences between ‘town’ and ‘country’. Maybe I’m simply not cut out to tuck away in the forest. I feel lighter when I walk down the hill to the seaside and inhale its expansiveness, but there is also movement down by the shore. People are out playing with their dogs, walking about exploring, or just taking in the natural beauty. In other words, there’s something going on down “there”. There’s not much of anything going on up “here”. However, I am not ungrateful. Not at all. I am just observing stuff.
Every experience that ruffles us also offers a chance for real learning, an opportunity to see with new eyes. The disturbance brings lots of old and new feelings and often takes us to the edge. But that’s the point – you’ve got to stand on the edge and look around before you take the next step.
When I started Redo 365, my first post was a vlog bemoaning my perceived state of unworthiness. It forced me to make a promise to become accountable, take responsibility, and do whatever was necessary to peel away the layers so I could learn to love myself completely. I’m still peeling, of course, but the layers are fewer and much less heavy. Halleluiah!
The changes in me are not as evident to others, perhaps, and that is okay. Sure, it would be lovely, encouraging even, if everyone remarked about how different I was. But that just might defeat this inner journey. In the end, it is never what others perceive but only what you feel in your own body that matters. And today was no different when I noticed yet another layer to an old thought pattern that required some attention.
As mentioned, this process does get easier because you begin to see the real value in making a conscious effort to transform blocks impeding you. At my stage of life, many of those blocks are barely recognizable. They are strengthened through years of repetition, deeply entrenched and oh so subtle. Hence, the peeling I suppose. Anywho, I kind of had that icky stuck feeling again when I returned from town and decided I’d had enough of it. My days are not much different than they’ve been for a long time. Why am I feeling stuck? Action is required, I thought. I need to take action, but what exactly? And then came the revelation.
Despite some success at feeling better about myself, I realized much of my lack of worth stems from a self-constructed judgement about what is ‘right action’. Right action means behaving as others consider best. For example, I move on quickly, liking change. I am versed in minutia having few finely honed skills or in depth knowledge. You might call me a skimmer. Is that bad or wrong? Some would have me believe – no – wait a second… I have me believing I am mediocre as a result of these characteristics. I have bought that story about myself and subsequently come to own a feeling of mediocrity. Because I chose role models who behave differently than I, I put myself down. Ah ha!
Many, I believe, slip into the safety of old patterns more often than is realized. It’s the “devil we know”, yeah? And we repeat the platitudes over and over and over that assure us we must think, act, behave, speak, dance, or sing in a way different from the way that feels best to us. We reaffirm to our contradictory heads and pained hearts the story about the hardness of life. We echo to them tragic tales of unfairness, and point fingers at any number of monoliths we want to blame for our conditions. It’s seems easier to do that than stand up and take responsibility for whatever mess we find ourselves in. I guess what I am saying is it is always easier to remain small, sad, and less than. At least that is my story, my pattern. Do I need to remain a victim to that? No. Methinks not.
So today I gave myself a hug and told Frances she is okay in all her weakness and her strength, in all her failings and successes. Frances Ann Collins aka Frances Sullivan is a beautiful, starry thing filled with the blackest dark and the lightest light. She. Is. Magnificent. Yesterday and all the yesterdays before were steps, not to be ignored but cherished because I, Frances, am stepping them still.
And so are you.
We can tap into our deepest feelings and allow them to rumble. Neither you nor I lack worth – unless we say we do. None of us is mediocre – unless we believe it to be true. We can keep telling ourselves any story we want. But, here’s the thing, our feelings will tell us what is truth and what is real. The messages from our highest and best self are always rumbling and tumbling within our feelings.
I don’t feel good inside when telling myself I lack, I have failed, or that I am not worthy. I feel lousy and sick. But when holding myself in sacred arms, arms vibrating with compassion, OMG, I feel ecstatic! And that is where I want to stay, if only for a second. If a second is all I get, it is still enough to feel the feeling. Once I have felt it, I can find it again. And again. And again.
And so that is my wish today. I wish that you all find your “ecstatic”. Please, for a moment or five, however long it takes, close your eyes and feel yourself as the radiant being you are. See your sparkle, see your body illuminated. Do not waiver. Hold the vision for as long as you need to. Hold it until you feel your light. Are you weeping? I am. They are tears of joy. And it is “right action” indeed.
Shine on lovely ones.