Rough day in my head tumbling in a sea of apprehension. What’s coming up and causing this is the harsh reality of my current situation. When considering my present moment with burning questions of ‘what if?’ and ‘where do I go from here?’ fear rises like a tsunami. Before you know it, whoosh, I’m in the wave tossing and turning. That was today. Tonight, I’ve died and am in limbo. Blah.
These last five years I’ve spent singularly focussed on one thing. There was much wandering, drifting, hoping, and dreaming. The leap I took was one of faith and I couldn’t let go, but as a result, I ignored a few things. When we ignore, we resist and what we resist, persists.
The dream of moving here was not a mistake. And, at the 40,000 foot level, nothing I’ve ever done is a mistake. Have I been foolhardy in my singleness of purpose, however? Yes. I did not manage the practical aspects of life. I scraped by working a series of jobs, never making enough to support the lifestyle I was used to living. I had no permanent address, couched surfed and enjoyed being a drifter, if truth be told. But there were some balls of responsibility that I dropped along the way. In an effort to correct that, I addressed the biggest ball before I left Canada – or I tried.
Before leaving I contacted a professional who is an expert in what I needed help with. I left the issue with him confident everything would be worked out. All these months later, it’s not been resolved. Will it be? Probably. Is it a big deal? Not likely. Am I making more of it than I should? Yes. Worry serves no purpose at all. However, it serves as a really good reminder.
Clutter is more than just papers piled in a corner. Any mess we ignore only gets worse. Putting off dealing with anything we think difficult or frightening causes more damage than we realise. Yes, confronting is hard, but facing any fear is a good thing. And that’s my lesson today. I simply need to face my fears. If I’ve done something stupid, so be it. I’ll just have to be smarter next time. And yeah, the big thing, is to remember to ask for help. I seem to be needing a lot of help these days, but that’s okay.
Tonight’s wish is personal. I want to meet ‘him’. That’s all. He’s out there waiting to meet me. All I know is, it is time.