I watched a fun true story movie called Eddie the Eagle last night. Ed Edwards’ life is the stuff of legends even if lately he’s got some challenges. I’ve a feeling he’ll be just fine. He’s resilient to say the least.
Anywho, the clouds have rolled in on this ‘day before the move’ day. I’m pretty ready. There isn’t much really, and since I’m used to moving solo but have help tomorrow, this’ll be a piece of cake! In the meantime, I’m back to searching the shops for a wardrobe. Our friend whose house we’re moving into has his own, but as is often the case here, there are no closets. He’s also a penchant for side tables and small chairs which are everywhere but useless for storing clothing. *sigh* Anywho, I passed up some nice ones (wardrobes) a few months ago so know they are out there and will work toward manifesting the perfect one.
The rhododendron and azalea are in full bloom at our new place. I must take some pictures of the view for you all. It’s very pretty. The cottage I’ll use to write in is lovely. I’m setting the intention to finish the book, or at least a draft of the book, while there. The kind and encouraging Universe is not nudging but shoving me to do so. I mean seriously, who gets offered her very own writing studio in an idyllic setting? This brings up a thought or five.
Are you a person who stands down? What I mean is this: Even when you want something, do you not speak up and allow another to take it? Here’s an example. You’ve saved up for a particular item. It’s a one of a kind thing say like a vintage car. Someone close to you like your kid, or your boyfriend, decides they want it and you quietly step aside so they can make the purchase. Have you done this? Recall any scenario you like where you felt overridden, or overrun by another’s desire or plan and failed to speak up for yourself, failed to articulate your dream, and so lost out. How does that memory make you feel?
Well, it makes me feel yukky. I’ve realized lately that this ‘standing down’ thing is a long time habit and has prevented many a dream from being fulfilled. It has become clear it is a part of the tragic heroine persona. As such, it must be dissolved. It has not served me well, it has not done me any favours. It comes from a place of lack and affirms those I’m “not” narratives like I’m not good enough, worthy enough, smart enough and so on. It erodes my shaky confidence in the blink of an eye putting me firmly in “Poor Me Town”. Well, it’s time to move out of there.
I suppose knowing how resignation feels is a good thing unless as in my case it becomes the fuel of self-denial. Denying yourself the luxury of sleeping in everyday so you can get up and meditate before work is beneficial. Denying yourself sleep when you need it with pronouncements like, “it’s a stoic act”, not so much. Learning to recognize the different behavioural patterns is critical when trying to redo yourself, don’t you think? Resigning myself, always doing ‘it’ to keep someone else happy, or stepping aside so someone else could do ‘it’, has left a bitter taste in my mouth. In years past I most often felt hard done by and pushed into letting someone else have what I wanted. I carry that remorse still. But I wasn’t pushed at all. I made a choice to be a tragic heroine instead of a doer.
So for today, I’m going to do a full on review and remember those times I stood down, stepped aside, went all passive. I’m going to allow the feelings to come and honestly assess how the memories make me feel. I can tell you, I blamed others a lot! I felt pressured and bullied when in fact, as mentioned, that was not the case. That was simply the story I ended up telling myself and other to justify my own choices. The fear that wells up when the opportunity to stand tall and walk into your dream is powerful. You’ll stand down if you choose fear. But stand up and confidently push the fear aside and you’ll soar like an eagle.
My wish today is for a renewal of confidence, the best capital “C” kind. It takes great courage to look at all your actions over a lifetime and own each and every choice. Here’s to the confidence needed to forgive yourself and let go of all blame. You, and only you, chose to stay in an abusive relationship, not apply for the job, not buy the car, or not show up. But hey, today’s the day, yes? Today you’re gonna hold your head up and say in a confident voice, “I can. I can write, move on, buy that car, apply for that job, and stand UP. I can be the eagle!”
Thanks Eddie, you’re an inspiration.