Repeat and repeat…

WaterDo you ever have days when nothing seems right? In spite of sunny skies and warm breezes beckoning you stay locked up inside – inside your house and inside that busy mind that isn’t so much busy as blurry. So blurry that even though you know for certain you are not, you feel as if you’re dreaming. It’s not a good dream, but not horrible, either. It’s one of those ‘can’t put your finger on it’ dreams. You’re watching everyone and are fully aware they are right there with you laughing and talking, but you feel a bit numb, and a long way away from them. You want to reach out and touch them. You want them to reach inside and pull you out so you can be with them. But then they’re gone. Do you ever feel this way? Probably not. Sorry. Must sound a nutter, not to mention a broken record.

I’ve been here before. The way I’m feeling, the thoughts I have, are not new. In fact they are far too common. We all know what is said of those who repeat things expecting different results, yes? I don’t want to keep repeating this though so must ask questions. What exactly am I feeling? Why do I keep coming back to this place?

I know the answer to number two, but need to be more exacting about number one. Here goes.

  • I’m lonely. (Despite promises to get out and do things with others, I have not.) Check.
  • I’m exhausted. I’ve tons to do but lack the drive and motivation. (I did not plan on moving again until I was secure and somewhat solvent. I didn’t expect things to unfold as they have and although it’s all good, I’m just not coping well.) Check.
  • Money. (I’m not aligned yet so the doubt and yes, fear, adds to my exhaustion. Must catch myself and trust.) Check.

And of course, I keep returning to this place because I am not addressing the issues, not resolving them. Damn it! You’d think by now I’d be perfect!

So tonight I’m wishing for gratitude and a smidgen of courage. We all know how helpful and healing a grateful heart is so that part of the wish is a no brainer. The wish to be a bit more courageous, is not so self-explanatory. You see, we need to be a lion at times and let ourselves roar. Even when we’re hurting or in need? Indeed. It takes courage to admit we are vulnerable, that we need a hug or a hand to help us up. Bravery is exhibited by the person who gratefully accepts what comes, and who is willing to surrender to what is. I’ve got my white flag.

Until tomorrow…

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