Some of our emotional responses defy explanation. Instantaneous, and often uncontrolled, triggered by a word, a melody, a rainbow, or a million other possibilities, reactions run the gamut from laughter to tears, from anger to love, and everything in between. Some feelings stay with us in varying degrees like unwanted visitors, while others are fleeting and we wish they would stick around. Of course, in truth, emotions are neither unexplained nor uninvited. They are also controllable. There is always a reason for what we feel, and we do the inviting. We are also in control of our behaviour no matter what we ‘say’ to the contrary.
Yesterday I mentioned I’ve a talent for standing amidst the trees while longing for the forest. Nothing ever lives up to the dream for me and as much as I profess to be ‘in the moment’, it appears it’s more in the body. The mind does not completely reciprocate. Owning up to my responsibility about some reactive patterns shone a light on this habit of mine.
Months ago I actually commented out loud how disappointed I was by someone’s perspective. Wow. Quite the ego, eh? Mulling over my comment, I soon had to admit I regularly indict others in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I might have given up blaming my parents for this, that, or the other thing, but not so others. Blame is insidious. Anywho, after my highway crash I told someone how disappointed I was for losing control of the car, how I felt stupid. Not particularly helpful even if sort of understandable. But whatever the case, holding myself to impossible standards is a set up for failure. In spite of my belief that everything in my life has reason and purpose and that I am co-creating it all, I am not omniscient. There’s bound to be some surprises along the way. Likewise, judging anyone else based on my own desires is not constructive any more than holding myself to false expectations.
Over this past year, I have learned a lot and feel good about what I’ve accomplished. A lot of blocks have been moved, some dragons have become friends, and an abundant amount of salve has been applied to wounds. I speak differently, make an effort to refrain from negative thoughts, and am daily more aware. Still, stuff keeps coming up to remind, to challenge, to offer the opportunity to choose kindness, get brighter, and soften.
So, I’ve an idea percolating for the blog going forward. It might be a list of specifics I focus for 30 days, kind of thing. I’m just not sure. What I do know for sure is that the blog is not ready to go the way of the dodo.
Wishing tonight for unbridled forgiveness. One of those uninvited emotional reactions yesterday was triggered by a memory from my childhood that brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart. How do I forgive myself the pain I caused? I do not how to forgive except to try. So I wish tonight to throw caution to the wind and simply say I forgive myself. I’ll keep saying it in the hope that someday I will feel it. Must I ask for forgiveness for my inability to forgive? It cannot hurt.