Well, I suppose a vlog would bring me full circle, but I don’t feel like attempting to explain my heart in verse tonight. My head is filled with memories and the ache of endings.
Those of you who know me via these posts or personally know I’m no stranger to death or goodbyes. Is that why I wander in my imagination? Perhaps. But I moved in there long before I attended my first funeral. Escape has always been a strength as far back as I can recall. True, escape speaks of dissatisfaction. Running away smacks of resistance and fear. Part of me is still running but not away anymore, rather too, although I’ve not a clear picture of that but am trying to draw one. Of course, I’ve never been good at drawing. I’ve mostly stepped one foot in front of the other all my life letting the chips fall where they may. Goals were what other people talked about and chased. I stayed in my head dreaming dreams. And yes, you’d think someone in the last stages of life would stop dreaming. Wonderfully, old habits die hard.
Recently someone challenged me stating I was too hard on myself, asking what could I have done that was so bad? Sometimes those questions are helpful. Maybe the words are offered as salve, but they’ve not ever helped me. Is honesty such an anomaly that it strikes fear in the listener? Perhaps.
I do talk too much. Less, than once upon a time, but nevertheless, still too much! And this year was about words and my use of them, how I speak about things and so on. Happily, I’ve let go a lot of dramatic speech which is a relief. But when I speak about myself, my missteps, regrets or faux pas’, I need to tell you all that it is not from a place of hatred or complacency. On the contrary, the work of facing the truth of myself is drawn from love. And the wounds I struggle to heal are deep, maybe timeless. And that’s the crux. Timeless.
I imagine myself floating with Jung in the grand collective unconscious, ruminating over enlightened thought and actions, avoiding absolutism while nudging those stultified. Okay, I’m no Jung, not even close, but I buy his theory and try to fly higher with the help of the high flyers who have gone before me. We all do, I think, in greater or lesser degrees. We are all tied together with all the pain, all the sorrows, and all the bliss. I’m trying to heal not only from this life. Follow me now?
It may sound freaky, but healing can take many lifetimes. The importance of forgiveness is key to letting go – hence healing. That’s all that really matters – the work of it.
So regardless of what another might think, it is necessary to stay true to the work you feel called to do. It is not important what you did or did not do. What matters is how you feel. If you feel you still need to heal, then keep forgiving yourself, keep turning your cheek. It is worthy work for you and billions of other souls, too.
I am wishing tonight for the magic of kind, unconditional thought bubbles. Today I celebrated my birthday alone with hundreds of others. Pictures of beautiful flowers covered my FB wall, and loving messages filled my senses. People thought of me with fondness. It felt transcendent and is the essence of kindness when delivered via a bubble of thought. Gotta love it! Thank you everyone.