A lovely friend told me she quite liked me as I was when the re-do started. Remembering that makes me smile all these days and months later. I don’t see her regularly now, not like I did then, because I moved away. Hopefully, she’d still feel the same if we were close. That would be nice. But as nice as it would be, it’s not important. Not really, because the thing is, I like myself more now. That’s of critical importance. That’s what is different and it makes Re-do 365 a success. What does that mean to me? Well, it’s not easy to describe but I’ll try.
It would be wonderful to report that I am complete. That in the few and many days which make up a year, I’ve transformed into a light being, shedding skin, destructive habits and copious behaviours that no longer serve me, rendering me like the Mona Lisa, a thing of eternal and fixed perfection. Yes, it would be wonderful but of course, an unbridled lie.
What has happened, while not the stuff of the Louvre, is still quite remarkable. Getting real is hard work and in spite of knowing there is much more work to be done, I’m seeing such progress! Lately, however, I’ve a longing for fun. There is much to be serious about, but little I can do about it feeling stifled and stressed. And really, fun can make most things better.
I used to meanly judge people who had fun. I suppose it was because I didn’t know how to have it. Oh, I tried, but it was so frenetic, my idea of fun, that I’d scare people to death including myself sometimes. Eventually I stopped only to start justifying myself by talking trash about people who partied, took ski weeks, or threw great parties. Clearly, it was easier to do that than examine why I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, have a good time.
I realized a long time ago how destructive judging in that way is so it wasn’t really a part of this past year’s realigning. But habit’s that mimic it still exist so a purge was in order. And while my example about having fun might seem trite, judging anybody else’s successes, abilities, or failures, is not ever helpful. It’s a smoke screen preventing us doing the real work of self-examination with sights set on change.
What I learned this year was that the process of taking responsibility released me from my desire to judge. No, not completely. I’ve a ways to go, but I’m further along the road than I was a year ago – a lot further along!
I’ve also found that when the pain body reacts, there’s an opportunity and a lesson for me. Someone else’s behaviour might be many things the least of which being a type of behaviour I do not want to engage in, but reacting helps nothing. Now however, rather than beat myself up for not being kind, I forgive myself for creating a negative situation and put some love back into my space. I forgive myself further for wanting to rule the world my way and thinking I know what’s best for everyone. Hehe. That doesn’t mean I haven’t cut ties. Of course I have. Some of us do not make a pretty picture together so redrawing the canvas is a good thing. I can still love the original. I just won’t see it anymore.
And that leaves me wishing tonight for the ability to have fun. Real fun means letting your hair down. It’s a superb way to de-stress and unwind. Of course, what’s fun for one is not necessarily for another, so judging isn’t allowed. That’s no fun! Just open your heart, get out of your head, and go do something that makes you feel like a kid again. It’ll be fun. I’ve got my skipping rope.