Last night, I melted down. What does that mean exactly? Well, I don’t know, exactly. There is heat involved though not so much as to pulverize bone, it seems to increase in equal measure to the growing anxiety. And while today I’m “down”, hours ago it felt like an explosion was imminent. Of course, that would put me well and truly into the atmosphere with birds and planes and such, so not down but actually, up. Right. Enough. Straight up (or down), meltdown – one word – means exactly all of those things mentioned. Implode or ex, hot or cold, it matters not. When you focus on too many things, mulling them over and over with no resolution, a meltdown is well and truly inevitable.
I’m a cerebral type. Ah ha, stating the obvious to many of you while reminding myself that a mind is a terrible thing to waste and likewise a dangerous place to wander without a map. Think of it like this. I’m travelling to Brighton this weekend. Signs direct to numerous places – there are a lot of people crammed onto this tiny island – and figuring which road to turn onto at a roundabout can be fun. Okay, not so much fun as terrifying. Even if I studied a map prior to leaving, I’d not have another set of eyes to read those many signs. The GPS’ dulcet tone will advise ahead of time which road to take supplying peace of mind. A sweet bit of help on a 4 1/2 hour drive. Thinking a mind GPS needs making.
Once upon a time not that long ago, I travelled bravely into the unknown sans maps. I am speaking metaphorically here, but it applies. Indeed, I can be pitifully naïve still, clinging to what might be thought childish innocence. And yet, when warned against these tendencies, I cannot leave them behind. I have tried countless times only to return to them with relish. Why? They make me feel alive. They come easily. Yes, you could say I’m a dreamer, hehe. I also trust implicitly, not because nothing bad has ever happened, but because good things happen more. Am I therefore deluded?
Well, it matters not because as I grow in love of self, there comes with it a deepening respect for those pieces that fit snugly together making an authentic and unique ‘me’. For too long I struggled to make others happy, changing and redefining my persona on a regular basis. It wasn’t a good thing. Not at all. But by allowing me to be, well, I’m learning to know what happiness is. But what got me here? Hard work. A will to survive. A smidgen of patience, and a deep and abiding desire to be a better person. It’s still an uphill battle with a brain that is perpetually at odds.
Relief for an overactive cerebral type like me was always delivered via physical labour. Hard work, or play, quieted my mind and balanced me. Staying with yoga these past years when harder physical activities diminished has helped a lot. Still, the real balance comes with meditation. Movement is important, but is only a part. There is the option for aggressive and competitive tendencies to bubble up like me hearing negative self-speak when unable to stretch or bend where I think I should. Practice decreases this, but meditation makes no allowances for this. The practice lets me hold myself in light, accepting all of ‘me’ as the imperfectly perfect human I am.
To that end, I’m adding another session to my day. So far it’s been sketchy since a 4PM meditation time is challenging. My little brain is very busy at that hour. But that’s the purpose.
Meditating before bed helps calms me so falling asleep is quick. More important than sleep, however, is that I wake well. Those prone to depression need to wake well. Hence, sitting still with a focus on breathing when the world (and my brain) is all a flutter makes sense.
So I will wish for the desire to do what’s best for you today. Find something that brings you joy, makes you laugh, brings good feelings, then do more of it. It could be visiting seniors, playing tennis, or playing bridge. It does not matter, if you feel wonderful, do it. Try meditating, too. You know you want to. But whatever you do, know that the ‘thing’ is your essential nature dancing. Can’t you feel it, hear the rhythms? Are your feet tapping yet? Mine are.