I want to be something.
You already are… something.
What? What the hell am I?
Well, you’re a woman… (I interrupt. “You’re stunningly brilliant! How’d you figure that?”). Stop, I’m not finished! You’re a woman of many talents. You’re compassionate, generous, callously unthoughtful but working to correct that, and still kind of pretty despite the passage of lots, and lots, of years. You dress well…
Shit, that’s perfect. I’m kind, unthoughtful – and well done trying to slip that unflattering attribute past me by saying ‘unthoughtful’ instead of thoughtless – and, old!!! Fuckadoodledo. But, thankfully I can still dress myself!
I said dress “well”.
I heard you.
Okay. Enough. What do you want to be? And get real.
What, I can’t say I want to be a gold medal winning snow boarder, a twenty year old super model, or a Grand National winning jockey? Seriously, I could still do that last one! Okay, getting real, I want to be a writer – a famous writer. Wait, I want to be a novelist, a famous novelist. I am already a writer of sorts, just not famous. Oh, but mostly I want to be good. You know, a good person who is normal.
I don’t know. Nice is normal. Good is normal.
If I say so, yes.
Then be normal. Be nice. And start writing because you probably need to at least write a novel before becoming a famous novelist. Fingers to the keys, girlie. Write that novel! Write about being nice, and normal. Toss in some kind for good measure. You like kind. You’re big on kind.
I have to make a cup of tea, take a shower, do the laundry, and feel sorry for myself. When I’m done all that I’ll write it.
Why do you continue to make excuses like that? You jest, but in actual fact, you put all kinds of worries and woes between you and the work. This behaviour does not become you which might actually be more normal than you know. It’s not nice though. You’re not being kind either, by acting that way.
To be good, and to be sincerely kind means treating yourself that way. You’re not being good or kind to yourself when you behave irreverently about things that matter to you. When you belittle yourself and make excuses, you’re selling yourself short. I know you think you’re too old, washed up. But if you keep telling yourself that instead of living and doing, then guess what?
You say that a lot. Why do you think you’re tired?
I don’t know and don’t tell me it’s because I’m telling myself I am. I think there’s another reason, less obvious.
What do you think that’s less obvious?
I think I’m busy running away from a lot of things. Wait, no, I think I keep running toward things. Even now, as long in the tooth as I am, I am running toward… always running. I’d like to settle down a bit. Maybe have someplace to call mine again. But that winning lottery ticket hasn’t found its way to me yet, so rather than moving toward anything, I’m spinning my wheels
Ah, you do have answers when you ask yourself the right questions.
I’m so undisciplined. If only I would stick to a plan! Wait, I think I’ve figured that out, too. I make excuses so I don’t have to stick to a plan. Sticking to a plan would ensure a project was finished. It would mean walking my walk.
What about making a list. Small things you can take off the table, like that website. You told everybody it would be done a few days ago. Can you get it done? How would that feel?
Good, I think.
Good, and you want to feel good, yes?
What else is bothering you besides money?
Nothing, really. I just let that one issue drag everything into a stew.
So let’s deconstruct the stew.
Okay. I’m sure I can make a living with my writing, my research skills and my coaching that will secure me until the lottery win but that effort cuts into energy needed for my book writing. I can’t do it all by myself. I need help, I can see that now.
Then sit down for a second and be specific about the help you need and ask for it. Then you’ll just have to take one step at a time. There’s no other way. Getting help will remove some of the overwhelm you feel caught up in. And I think that once you can check some boxes off your list, you’ll get a bit of your energy back.
Okay but I’m not feeling any better right now. Usually I do after having a convo like this.
It’s because you’ve come back to the same place. That expression about being stuck is inaccurate. You are firstly energy (not that kind) which means you’re vibrating all the time. “Stuck” simply means you’re vibrating the same stuff over and over again. Change your actions or even thoughts, and you’ll get moving again.
That makes sense.
I do sometimes.
Now make your wish, go meditate, and try to sleep deeply. Tomorrow is a new day filled with hope and promise.
Okay, I’ll do that. I’m still feeling confused and, well, stuck even if it is an inaccurate description. So I’ll wish tonight for clarity. That’s a biggie. Even we crone women get messed up and wander off course. And it’s easy sometimes to get caught up in this craziness of living. Thing is, everything is of our own making. I’ve made myself homeless and without country. I’ve created my money concerns. Since I have, it means I can create something else, too. I can give myself a home and place and find abundance. Realizing that is clarity.
P.S. The conversation tonight was one I have often. It’s between the frightened silly woman and The Crone, or Wise Woman. She’s patient and gentle and takes care to balance all of our parts together. She helps us, especially as we age, be the best we can be.